Disconnect from negativity within

[Shannon]

In my experience, depression frequently stems from anger, frustration and/or hopelessness experienced on a subconscious level. These emotions are frequently felt but the person feels fear at expressing them consciously, and they get push down.

Depression from feeling powerless to improve a living situation that is frustrating or unhealthy for you is common. I went through it too. The solution is to make a change, break the cycle, move out on your own, and live your own life. To do that one must overcome fear and find a system of financial support that is sufficient.

Fear is the killer with that one though. It makes living in the rut you know too comfortable.

[mat422]

In my experience, depression frequently stems from anger, frustration and/or hopelessness experienced on a subconscious level. These emotions are frequently felt but the person feels fear at expressing them consciously, and they get push down.

Depression from feeling powerless to improve a living situation that is frustrating or unhealthy for you is common. I went through it too. The solution is to make a change, break the cycle, move out on your own, and live your own life. To do that one must overcome fear and find a system of financial support that is sufficient.

Fear is the killer with that one though. It makes living in the rut you know too comfortable.

Spot on as usual Shannon. Fear has definitely been the killer. I've got a job opportunity coming up so things are looking up. But getting a job is a huge step for me and that alone is gonna take all the strength I can muster to push through that one. I feel like I'm struggling to get by sometimes.

I'm most definitely experiencing anger, frustration, and hopelessness. Sometimes I just push them out of my head and try not to think about any of it and I feel better briefly. But I always feel deep down something tugging at me.

Today felt pretty bad. I think initially I have a day where I can push those feelings aside and get things done. But I can' keep it up for long.

[Shannon]

Pushing back the ocean is futile. You must either drain it, or move back. That is to say, deal with the cause, not the symptom.

You remind me so much of myself it's scary. When I was younger, I was terrified of everything. I was too scared to learn to drive, too scared to get a job, too scared period. I ended up having my mother take me to a shrink, who basically told me... just get a job.

Real slick, buddy, I knew that. What he didn't help me do was overcome the fear that was keeping me from getting a job and learning to drive. Primarily because he never asked me why I wasn't doing so, or why I was resisting. Duh.

I think maybe he didn't bother with me because there was no pill for fear at the time, and anything but prescribing pills is too much work for them these days in a lot of cases.

Anyway... the similarities are striking. Keep making progress. When you get the chance, try running OGSF or OF for 3-6 months. (I'm hoping you're not already, cause then I'd feel stupid. lol)

[mat422]

Pushing back the ocean is futile. You must either drain it, or move back. That is to say, deal with the cause, not the symptom.

You remind me so much of myself it's scary. When I was younger, I was terrified of everything. I was too scared to learn to drive, too scared to get a job, too scared period. I ended up having my mother take me to a shrink, who basically told me... just get a job.

Real slick, buddy, I knew that. What he didn't help me do was overcome the fear that was keeping me from getting a job and learning to drive. Primarily because he never asked me why I wasn't doing so, or why I was resisting. Duh.

I think maybe he didn't bother with me because there was no pill for fear at the time, and anything but prescribing pills is too much work for them these days in a lot of cases.

Anyway... the similarities are striking. Keep making progress. When you get the chance, try running OGSF or OF for 3-6 months. (I'm hoping you're not already, cause then I'd feel stupid. lol)

I was also afraid to learn to drive. I didn't get my license until I was 18. I also failed my first road test because I was just too nervous. My parents had to twist my arm to get me to go out and get a job. At least they pushed me, but I had anxiety every single day I went to that job. It really left a poor impression on me. I can't even go in that store anymore, it just brings back too many negative feelings and associations.

I also went to a shrink. He recommended a job. I told him I'm having issues with anxiety. You know what he said? Anxiety isn't real and I was just overreacting to the situation and being irrational.

Uh, maybe I should have started a new thread for what I've been doing. This has been one continuous run on journal. I've been through a lot of subs. That's my bad. You think I should start a new thread? I was trying not to clog up the forum with several different ones.

Anyway I went through overcome fear for 57 days. Then I switched over to overcome guilt shame and fear and I've been on that for 30 days now. To be honest I can't tell if the depression is being amplified by the sub or if I'd be having such a rough time without the subliminal.

Oh one more thing. Shannon how was the relationship between your mom and your dad growing up? My parents have drifted apart over the years. It started fairly early though, when I was in my teens. They didn't divorce because staying together was necessary because of financial reasons. My dad was very bad at controlling his emotions and had outbursts, but my mom was always incredibly hard on him and they'd go at it, neither one of them acting like adults. Both of them are humans, obviously, but both of them are incredibly short tempered. I felt like I was very often a mediator when things got out of control because nobody in my house wanted to control that anger and work things out calmly.

[Shannon]

My mother and father separated when I was 3 months old. I went with mom.

I am starting to have a hard time taking psychological professionals seriously when I am told straight faced by them that I need to get a job, instead of getting help overcoming the fear keeping me from getting a job, hearing that from you, hearing doctorates tell me there's no such thing as a subconscious mind, and having you tell me "anxiety isn't real".

What effects do you think you've seen from OF and OGFS?

[Sean]

Hey man, stuff I've been listening to recently ties anxiety to a lack of confidence, and says that we gain confidence by making decisions and exercising courage. You can start small, and just start doing things. Anything. Take small risks, and even when they fail, you gain confidence.

I'm interested in both your comments on this, Shannon and Mat.

[mat422]

My mother and father separated when I was 3 months old. I went with mom.

I am starting to have a hard time taking psychological professionals seriously when I am told straight faced by them that I need to get a job, instead of getting help overcoming the fear keeping me from getting a job, hearing that from you, hearing doctorates tell me there's no such thing as a subconscious mind, and having you tell me "anxiety isn't real".

What effects do you think you've seen from OF and OGFS?

Like any profession there's always some bad apples. Some psychological professionals have huge egos, I'm sure of it. Know it alls who like submissive personalities and they try to shove their agenda onto them. When a person doesn't agree with what they are saying they get agitated. That was my experience at least, this guy listened to me, but he didn't really listen if you know what I mean.

From OF and OGFS, it's definitely been a bit hard to get an accurate measure for what's happened. But a big one is I've always felt I've struggled somewhat in life and I never really expressed that. I always tried to stuff it down thinking I was strong for pushing past it instead of letting it affect me. But deep down it ate away at me and made things worse than if I was just honest with how I felt. Over the past few days I think I purged a lot of shame and guilt about expressing how I feel. I realized not only did I consciously suppress negative emotions at times, but I did it subconsciously as well. I'm pretty sure I built this defense mechanism as early as 13 years old. There's always been this difficulty in life that I never shared with anyone and I felt guilty and ashamed for feeling that way. Everything just always felt like my fault.

Fear has been reducing, slowly, but it's definitely reducing. I've noticed that sometimes when I listen to the sub at night though intense emotions are brought up in me. And one night I let those emotion do what they had to do. It felt like a terrible feeling all throughout my body and I just wanted to get away from it, but I stayed with it. And then slowly those feelings past.

Some days I wake up and I feel incapable of doing anything. I need the whole day to process what's going on and let it pass. I really don't know if that's the sub or if it's been an ongoing thing in my life. All I know is that for years I've been pushing everything down because I was afraid of what might come up.

Hey man, stuff I've been listening to recently ties anxiety to a lack of confidence, and says that we gain confidence by making decisions and exercising courage. You can start small, and just start doing things. Anything. Take small risks, and even when they fail, you gain confidence.

I'm interested in both your comments on this, Shannon and Mat.

I think the key really is to start small. You have to recognize where you are, see your limitations, and work to move past them. If you set out with a huge goal that's overwhelming it seems like everything works against you. I think what's even more important is that when you take those small risks you should be internalizing a positive experience of moving past the fear and not just focusing on the fear itself. Fear tends to breed more fear, the perspective has to shift, otherwise it's like more conditioning for the fear.

I like to talk about analogies for some reason, it helps give a better picture. Let's say there's this snake in a box and someone tells you to stick your hand in it and tells you it won't bite as an experiment. You may still be afraid, but you stick it in anyway. A couple minutes pass and the snake doesn't bite. But then without warning it bites you anyway. So you might feel betrayed or feel like that safety was just an illusion and now you really can't trust a snake. So let's say one more time you put your hand in that box, this time with a snake that's defanged. This one really can't hurt you. Would you still have fear? I feel like I would, just by association of past events.

[Sean]

Mat, I see your analogy, and I agree: start small, and exercise what courage you can as often as you can, to build up what is needed to reduce the anxiety until it is defeated.

[Shannon]

Mat, last night I went to a birthday party. This party was for a friend of mine, one of my models, who is shall we say very highly sought after by men. She and I are just friends. I choose that path because it means she respects me, unlike the herd who is always nipping at her heels for attention and sex.

I went to this birthday party and got there almost fully 2 hours late because I had to attend my grandfather's birthday party first, and at 88, he's apparently starting to forget things - such as, "I have to attend another birthday party tonight, Grandpa, so we can't go shopping on the way home from your birthday dinner." Said 5 minutes before he asked me to stop at Wal Mart after we spend 2 hours more than I had out of respect for the fact that it's his birthday and he's the patriarch of my family.

A year ago, going to Vanessa's birthday party was nerve wracking for me, because I didn't know many people there. She has a lot of friends who run in different circles than I do. The only way I made it through last time was to have my camera in my hand, because I didn't know how else to deal with my social anxiety back then.

Being late has always made things much worse. So scary, in fact, that I usually would find or invent any excuse not to go. It was sheer terror for me. Last night, I had it cross my mind like a flash in a pan that maybe I shouldn't go because I was late. But it was just that: a flash in the pan thought, and it didn't go any further than that. I went.

And I walked in, empty handed, because I knew she'd be drunk off her ass by the time I walked in, and I knew that just my being there at her party meant more to her than the tea I bought her as a gift. I left the tea in the car, and I'll probably deliver than in a couple days, when she's no longer hung over.

I also walked in knowing I would be the only person in the entire bar who wasn't drinking and/or stoned. I knew I was dressed differently than everyone else. I knew I would stand out like a frog on a stove top. I knew I wouldn't really have anything in common with any of her other friends, and not much to talk about with them. But I went anyway.

And I stayed from the time I got there until the bar closed, at which time she wanted me to go to the after party, where I stayed another hour, until I was being beset on all sides by allergens. Then I left.

Through it all, I was not just calm, but I was enjoying myself. I didn't feel the need or desire to drink, and nobody tried to push me into drinking, as I had expected. Instead, they all came to talk to me, every last one, over the course of the night. And you know what? They loved me. I had all the guys qualifying themselves to me, some of them all night long... one or two so much so that I wanted to just throw them in the bonfire and be done with it. And I had birthday girl giving me compliments and treating me with respect, and the other women present were all giving indicators of interest through the evening - even, to my huge surprise, most of the lesbians.

When I cared to be, I was the center of attention - naturally, shy of birthday girl who was damned near having a lesbian 69 on the bar most of the night.

And there was no judgement of the fact that I didn't drink, or smoke, or get stoned. People were in fact largely intimidated by me. Me, who was soft spoken and let people come to me all night to talk. Why would they be intimidated? Because my very presence was so powerful, so calm, so centered, steady and strong that they didn't know what to make of me. They'd never encountered anyone so in control and so powerfully present before. I had as good a time or better than anyone else there, without alcohol, cigarettes or pot. That contrast in and of itself was enough to make some of them intimidated, I think.

There was a guy there who reminded me a lot of myself just a few years ago. Out of place, inexperienced socially, no idea how to socialize comfortably, too drunk, annoying everyone without even knowing it (and certainly not purposefully trying to) and completely clueless. So socially anxious that even though he needed alcohol and weed to be able to socialize, I knew what he was going through, and I had to hand it to him for having the courage through all that to even show up.

That was me at one time. Hell, even one year ago I needed a camera in my hand to feel like I could hide behind.

Not last night. By the end of the night, everyone loved me, and everyone was glad I had come and wishing I would stay longer. And, I had a good time, and spent a total of... $3.50. Including the bartender's tip. Damned expensive glass of coke, that was.

I tell you this story, Mat, because you are walking in my footsteps, and because I want to show you what is in store for you. Keep pushing. Keep walking in my footsteps. Some day in the not too distant future, you'll be saying these same things to someone else, who is walking in your own footsteps.

[mat422]

Mat, I see your analogy, and I agree: start small, and exercise what courage you can as often as you can, to build up what is needed to reduce the anxiety until it is defeated.

Will do Sean. Thanks for the reminder. Sometimes I fall off a bit and just need to hear it from someone else.

Shannon, thanks a lot. It's really nice to hear it from someone that moved past it all. Especially when a lot of advice out there emphasizes coping the rest of your life with it and not really solving it. You really do get it though and this story just helped give me hope for my own future. These days I need every last bit of hope I can get, especially because of my long history of struggling with these things.

I think I'm going to start a new thread for the OFGS sub so things are less cluttered in here and people don't get confused.

[Sean]

Mat, you're on your way to happiness, comfort, and healing.