Disconnect from negativity within

[mat422]

Mat... you are so closely following in my footsteps it's scary. I had a lazy eye, and mine would switch off. I had surgery for it, and I was one of the first people in the world to get that kind of corrective surgery.

You also are doing something I have done a lot in the past, and that is trying to assume responsibility for everything, even if it's not yours. I used to get so upset because I thought I had to do everything perfectly, be perfect, be everything to everyone... and it was killing me. Then I had someone say to me, "Hey, Shannon, get over yourself. The world is not your responsibility. You're not perfect, and you never will be. And you cannot do a better job than the best you can do. Stop trying to be perfect, and be everything to everybody, and do everything perfectly. Perfection is a journey, not something you'll ever achieve in this life."

And when I truly understood that, and let go of that assumption of responsibility and demand for perfection... I let go of so much weight. I felt so free. And ever since, with an occasional exception when I forget myself, I have been so much happier.

So Mat... accept yourself. Let go of your insistence on always perfectionism. The world is not black and white, and nothing in it is either. All or nothing thinking always gets you in trouble.

I think you would do well using Overcoming Guilt, Shame and Fear, along with Forgive Yourself and Let It Go.

Shannon, your insights always help me out a lot. To me, I have so much trouble letting go of the perfection. I'm having serious deja vu here, and I've probably said this before. But I feel like the perfectionism is a result of just not ever feeling good enough. Like my whole life I would strive for perfection because at least then that idealistic self would be far away from the person I had so much trouble accepting. Underneath it all, I feel like the perfectionism is just covering up a really damaged part of my self. And my failures hurt so much more than I feel they should. Suddenly it's not me as a person or individual, it becomes fulfilling x y and z until I can really accept myself.

And looking at it all now, I'm sure that's where my social anxiety and depression stems from. Making sure that people don't catch a glimpse of the real me underneath it all which I'm terribly ashamed of. The one that makes mistakes and isn't perfect. It explains why I can't openly talk about my issues with anyone in my family or my friends, because to me it shatters that image of perfection which served as a mask. And keeping up that facade isn't natural and I just walk around with my inner self damaged every day.

Even with the subliminals, I got the wrong idea. It wasn't about self improvement. Self improvement would mean that I accept myself for where I am and just look to keep growing. It was always about getting a certain result before I could even consider accepting myself.

And after typing all this out my mind says "Ok now just let go of that perfectionism". And guess what? I'm having trouble, and now apparently that's my fault too. I'm in a viscous cycle. If I let go of perfectionism, then I'll never be perfect. But that idea of perfection is just to cover up my damaged self anyway. And the idea of perfection is stupid anyway, but man is it all screwed up in my head. I can't put into words how much frustration it gives me to think of this. Being a perfectionist by letting go of perfection in the most perfect way possible? Nonsense, utter nonsense. To my conscious mind at least.

Can I just drop the overcome fear sub and switch it out for Overcoming Guilt, Shame and Fear? Honestly now that a light bulb went off in my head I'm realizing that the overcome fear sub was driven by that perfectionism. I have to get to a place of self acceptance before I tackle anymore issues.

I guess I've kind of been suppressing some of these feelings and I thought depression was "just there" and didn't have roots in something. I'm definitely no longer going to seek medication. I think wanting the medication was just a way to further detach from the internal feelings of shame and guilt.

[Shannon]

You are not perfect. You'll never be perfect in this life. And nobody else is or will be either. In that you're no better or worse off than anyone else. In that, you are also no different than anyone else. And therefore, you have no reason to try to be perfect.

But as much as you understand that, it is a part of the personality type to strive for perfection, and that's okay. Just understand that you can only do your best, and then allow that to be okay.

You can switch to OGSF yes.

[mat422]

You are not perfect. You'll never be perfect in this life. And nobody else is or will be either. In that you're no better or worse off than anyone else. In that, you are also no different than anyone else. And therefore, you have no reason to try to be perfect.

But as much as you understand that, it is a part of the personality type to strive for perfection, and that's okay. Just understand that you can only do your best, and then allow that to be okay.

You can switch to OGSF yes.

Thanks Shannon. I've been feeling the weight of the world off my shoulders lately. Especially because I've had these emotions that I've been trying to ignore because I was trying so hard to be perfect and not affected by the negativity. But I'm doing what I can do and letting them run their course, even if that means a few days of not feeling so great. I think even opening up to myself has been a big step up. Now I'm not dealing with that constant threat of feeling like I've failed because of setting the bar too high.

[Sean]

Shannon, tell me more about the lazy eye correction. I, too, have a lazy eye from bruising during birth. I'd like to correct it so I can see better (I lose stereoscopy when I'm tired due to the lid droop and the eye turning out)

[mat422]

Listened to overcome fear guilt and shame last night. Still not sure if what I figured out today was a result of that or my switch in thinking these past few days.

Anyway. I don't think anyone ever told me it was ok to have fears as a kid. I mean every kid growing up is different, everyone tends to want to see the perfect mold of extroverted outgoing brave kids. Sometimes it just doesn't work out that way. I've realized that it's less about the fear for me, and more about what the fear means. In this case, I've always felt defective for not being able to measure up to a lot of other kids around me. So every time I've had fear triggered in my life it brought on feelings of shame and guilt for being that way. And I look at why I want fear gone from my life and realized that fear causes me to think of myself as less of a person. And it's a very bad cycle. They feed into each other and cause a loop that makes it almost impossible to escape out of.

I'm gonna say something I absolutely hate saying, but it's the truth. I care too much what people think about me. I've said in the past that I don't really care, but the truth is I do. Deep down I guess I'm terrified of what others think, but I think that's because I don't feel good about myself in the first place. So any further attention that could possibly be brought on myself just adds more fuel to the fire. And thinking about it, it's really only worrying about possible negative things they may say. And even then it's not exactly what they say to me, it's what I say to myself when that happens.

So what this all means to me is, my really harsh approach to getting better was actually doing the opposite. The more I got upset that I was afraid, the more I wanted to beat it, and the only reason I wanted to beat it is because I felt like less of a person for experiencing all of it and having trouble with it. Now I'm coming from a place of thinking that it's unfortunate that I'm afflicted with these fears, but I'm doing my best to get better and it's ok if some days I have trouble.

I think the most important thing I realized is that healing all of this has to start with me showing compassion for myself. That's what I was missing in the past and it stunted my own personal growth.

[Shannon]

Shannon, tell me more about the lazy eye correction. I, too, have a lazy eye from bruising during birth. I'd like to correct it so I can see better (I lose stereoscopy when I'm tired due to the lid droop and the eye turning out)

I had surgery for it at Bascom Palmer Eye Institute in Miami when I was 8 years old. I remember the doctor who performed the surgery was Doctor Flynn. I remember having an OBE during the surgery... and I remember not much else.

But if you want to have surgery to correct it, maybe see an eye doctor and ask.

[Shannon]

Listened to overcome fear guilt and shame last night. Still not sure if what I figured out today was a result of that or my switch in thinking these past few days.

Anyway. I don't think anyone ever told me it was ok to have fears as a kid. I mean every kid growing up is different, everyone tends to want to see the perfect mold of extroverted outgoing brave kids. Sometimes it just doesn't work out that way. I've realized that it's less about the fear for me, and more about what the fear means. In this case, I've always felt defective for not being able to measure up to a lot of other kids around me. So every time I've had fear triggered in my life it brought on feelings of shame and guilt for being that way. And I look at why I want fear gone from my life and realized that fear causes me to think of myself as less of a person. And it's a very bad cycle. They feed into each other and cause a loop that makes it almost impossible to escape out of.

I'm gonna say something I absolutely hate saying, but it's the truth. I care too much what people think about me. I've said in the past that I don't really care, but the truth is I do. Deep down I guess I'm terrified of what others think, but I think that's because I don't feel good about myself in the first place. So any further attention that could possibly be brought on myself just adds more fuel to the fire. And thinking about it, it's really only worrying about possible negative things they may say. And even then it's not exactly what they say to me, it's what I say to myself when that happens.

So what this all means to me is, my really harsh approach to getting better was actually doing the opposite. The more I got upset that I was afraid, the more I wanted to beat it, and the only reason I wanted to beat it is because I felt like less of a person for experiencing all of it and having trouble with it. Now I'm coming from a place of thinking that it's unfortunate that I'm afflicted with these fears, but I'm doing my best to get better and it's ok if some days I have trouble.

I think the most important thing I realized is that healing all of this has to start with me showing compassion for myself. That's what I was missing in the past and it stunted my own personal growth.

Your growth and achievements make me proud to be able to watch you grow. You're always trying, and you don't give up. And in refusing to give up, you always make progress, even if it's not all at once. So nice to see someone who cares enough to make the difference, even for themselves. Keep going.

[mat422]

Listened to overcome fear guilt and shame last night. Still not sure if what I figured out today was a result of that or my switch in thinking these past few days.

Anyway. I don't think anyone ever told me it was ok to have fears as a kid. I mean every kid growing up is different, everyone tends to want to see the perfect mold of extroverted outgoing brave kids. Sometimes it just doesn't work out that way. I've realized that it's less about the fear for me, and more about what the fear means. In this case, I've always felt defective for not being able to measure up to a lot of other kids around me. So every time I've had fear triggered in my life it brought on feelings of shame and guilt for being that way. And I look at why I want fear gone from my life and realized that fear causes me to think of myself as less of a person. And it's a very bad cycle. They feed into each other and cause a loop that makes it almost impossible to escape out of.

I'm gonna say something I absolutely hate saying, but it's the truth. I care too much what people think about me. I've said in the past that I don't really care, but the truth is I do. Deep down I guess I'm terrified of what others think, but I think that's because I don't feel good about myself in the first place. So any further attention that could possibly be brought on myself just adds more fuel to the fire. And thinking about it, it's really only worrying about possible negative things they may say. And even then it's not exactly what they say to me, it's what I say to myself when that happens.

So what this all means to me is, my really harsh approach to getting better was actually doing the opposite. The more I got upset that I was afraid, the more I wanted to beat it, and the only reason I wanted to beat it is because I felt like less of a person for experiencing all of it and having trouble with it. Now I'm coming from a place of thinking that it's unfortunate that I'm afflicted with these fears, but I'm doing my best to get better and it's ok if some days I have trouble.

I think the most important thing I realized is that healing all of this has to start with me showing compassion for myself. That's what I was missing in the past and it stunted my own personal growth.

Your growth and achievements make me proud to be able to watch you grow. You're always trying, and you don't give up. And in refusing to give up, you always make progress, even if it's not all at once. So nice to see someone who cares enough to make the difference, even for themselves. Keep going.

Thanks Shannon it means a lot. Especially when I've got my days where things seem a little dark. I've had my moments where it's hard to see past the way things are, but I realized they are going to happen and it's best not to beat myself up over them like I did in the past.

I know you said at one time that I set the bar too high for myself. I remember reading that and agreeing with it, but not really getting it. Now I really get it, I was being so unrealistic with my expectations and feeling like if I wasn't at that point I wasn't good enough. Honestly that bar was at an impossible level of perfection, I'd throw away my whole life trying to achieve that and still never reach it.

[mat422]

Over the past few days I've been really careful not to suppress anything and kind of let it all work itself out. I realized that some of my anxiety was that fear of slipping up and "not doing it right" with regards to managing my emotions. I just realized I never really managed my emotions, I thought I did and I was so great at controlling everything. Being so critical about my emotional state was very taxing, and even more so I think there was a lot of guilt associated with expressing these emotions. This goes back to the idea of perfection. I wanted to be impervious to everything and I thought I could just wave it away. I became very disconnected from my emotions, and anytime a bad feeling leaked through I felt bad about myself.

And the other thing is I've learned that you can't just flip a switch in your brain and feel better. It's more like a dimmer switch and every day you change a little more until eventually it's all the way up and you are better. That's important for me to remember because it prevents me from blaming myself if I get stuck on a certain day. But hey, maybe that belief will change in time and I'll be able to just learn to flip that switch immediately. Anything is possible, but I'm not going to pressure myself to get there faster than I actually can.

Oh and one more thing. The more I focused on not being negative, the more my focus was on the negative. The interesting thing is when you stop caring so much about it, it tends to lose more of its power over you. It's not so much ignoring the problem, more like having the mentality of your mind working things out so long as you don't mess with the process. Basically learning to let go and to stop controlling so much. Something I was guilty of a lot was being overly controlling. Which I believe goes back to the perfectionist mentality.

All in all, I like how this sub is making me feel more liberated. If I could make an analogy it would be like prior to this I was attempting to paddle upstream. But now I kind of let it take me where it needs to go and from there go along with it. Just makes me think maybe finding a path in life is more about letting go and having the opportunities open up to you instead of being focused on one possibility and being blind to all the other things that could unfold.

[mat422]

I think I'm just gonna put in another journal entry because I just feel like it lol. I don't know, at this point in my life I'm so confused with everything. It's that transition period I think. Either that or it's this sub pulling apart the knots in my mind that have held me back.

Winter has been incredibly depressing here. I'm pretty sure I suffer from seasonal affective disorder. I'm going to a holistic doctor soon, get my blood drawn, see what they have to say about vitamins and such. But even during the summer or spring, things were kind of bleak looking. Just in winter it's amplified more. I don't know how some people live in this kind of weather 24/7, I can't stand it.

The other day I was doing laundry and putting stuff away. And I just had this terrible feeling. I had to stop what I was doing and just lay there for a couple of minutes. It was like this overwhelming feeling where I just needed things to stop. It's like I need to do something, but at the same time there is just no energy for it. Just on days like that, it's this feeling of wanting to escape somehow, but you don't have an answer.

But something I realized. I was looking at old childhood pictures of myself and I was a really vibrant kid. My mom also had a natal chart reading done for me when I was younger. I don't know how accurate it was, or if this lady knew what she was talking about. But she essentially said I was going to be incredibly outgoing and balanced, very strong and able to bounce back emotionally. Meh, some of those people just say things to flatter individuals with their readings, but what got me was her saying I was more outgoing business oriented in the future. Obviously things can change, but I wonder if my true nature has been covered up. She did also say that my ego could be very easily damaged, water sign or something, very sensitive.

I'm not really gonna base my life off of an astrology reading, especially because I can't know the validity of it. But it was interesting to hear about it. It just made me realize maybe I've been assuming I'm a certain way when I've really just had my nature twisted around and messed up because of negative beliefs and life experience. It's just important to remember to always be open to anything that changes, and to understand that expectations aren't always correct. Basically what that boils down to is, focusing on self growth and developing into the person who I am, and not someone else who I think I should be.

[Subeternal]

I think I'm just gonna put in another journal entry because I just feel like it lol. I don't know, at this point in my life I'm so confused with everything. It's that transition period I think. Either that or it's this sub pulling apart the knots in my mind that have held me back.

Winter has been incredibly depressing here. I'm pretty sure I suffer from seasonal affective disorder. I'm going to a holistic doctor soon, get my blood drawn, see what they have to say about vitamins and such. But even during the summer or spring, things were kind of bleak looking. Just in winter it's amplified more. I don't know how some people live in this kind of weather 24/7, I can't stand it.

The other day I was doing laundry and putting stuff away. And I just had this terrible feeling. I had to stop what I was doing and just lay there for a couple of minutes. It was like this overwhelming feeling where I just needed things to stop. It's like I need to do something, but at the same time there is just no energy for it. Just on days like that, it's this feeling of wanting to escape somehow, but you don't have an answer.

But something I realized. I was looking at old childhood pictures of myself and I was a really vibrant kid. My mom also had a natal chart reading done for me when I was younger. I don't know how accurate it was, or if this lady knew what she was talking about. But she essentially said I was going to be incredibly outgoing and balanced, very strong and able to bounce back emotionally. Meh, some of those people just say things to flatter individuals with their readings, but what got me was her saying I was more outgoing business oriented in the future. Obviously things can change, but I wonder if my true nature has been covered up. She did also say that my ego could be very easily damaged, water sign or something, very sensitive.

I'm not really gonna base my life off of an astrology reading, especially because I can't know the validity of it. But it was interesting to hear about it. It just made me realize maybe I've been assuming I'm a certain way when I've really just had my nature twisted around and messed up because of negative beliefs and life experience. It's just important to remember to always be open to anything that changes, and to understand that expectations aren't always correct. Basically what that boils down to is, focusing on self growth and developing into the person who I am, and not someone else who I think I should be.

I have no idea how accurate your natal chart is but in my experience even one done mainly with birth place, time of birth, and date of birth can be quite insightful.

Problem with people in general with astrology is that they "expect" everything to be absolutely exact. Most things in the world we measure are never exact and most views of the world and the things in it are "subjective" in nature.

Not trying to sell astrology to you but for me it helps me assess strengths and weaknesses in my character and talents/motivations in life. Some good things dont apply to me and some bad things in it dont apply to me either. I wouldnt plan my life around astrology. It would be too much at that point.

You seem very introspective like myself so it should be easy to see what things in any measurement device apply to you and also those that dont also.

[mat422]

I think I'm just gonna put in another journal entry because I just feel like it lol. I don't know, at this point in my life I'm so confused with everything. It's that transition period I think. Either that or it's this sub pulling apart the knots in my mind that have held me back.

Winter has been incredibly depressing here. I'm pretty sure I suffer from seasonal affective disorder. I'm going to a holistic doctor soon, get my blood drawn, see what they have to say about vitamins and such. But even during the summer or spring, things were kind of bleak looking. Just in winter it's amplified more. I don't know how some people live in this kind of weather 24/7, I can't stand it.

The other day I was doing laundry and putting stuff away. And I just had this terrible feeling. I had to stop what I was doing and just lay there for a couple of minutes. It was like this overwhelming feeling where I just needed things to stop. It's like I need to do something, but at the same time there is just no energy for it. Just on days like that, it's this feeling of wanting to escape somehow, but you don't have an answer.

But something I realized. I was looking at old childhood pictures of myself and I was a really vibrant kid. My mom also had a natal chart reading done for me when I was younger. I don't know how accurate it was, or if this lady knew what she was talking about. But she essentially said I was going to be incredibly outgoing and balanced, very strong and able to bounce back emotionally. Meh, some of those people just say things to flatter individuals with their readings, but what got me was her saying I was more outgoing business oriented in the future. Obviously things can change, but I wonder if my true nature has been covered up. She did also say that my ego could be very easily damaged, water sign or something, very sensitive.

I'm not really gonna base my life off of an astrology reading, especially because I can't know the validity of it. But it was interesting to hear about it. It just made me realize maybe I've been assuming I'm a certain way when I've really just had my nature twisted around and messed up because of negative beliefs and life experience. It's just important to remember to always be open to anything that changes, and to understand that expectations aren't always correct. Basically what that boils down to is, focusing on self growth and developing into the person who I am, and not someone else who I think I should be.

I have no idea how accurate your natal chart is but in my experience even one done mainly with birth place, time of birth, and date of birth can be quite insightful.

Problem with people in general with astrology is that they "expect" everything to be absolutely exact. Most things in the world we measure are never exact and most views of the world and the things in it are "subjective" in nature.

Not trying to sell astrology to you but for me it helps me assess strengths and weaknesses in my character and talents/motivations in life. Some good things dont apply to me and some bad things in it dont apply to me either. I wouldnt plan my life around astrology. It would be too much at that point.

You seem very introspective like myself so it should be easy to see what things in any measurement device apply to you and also those that dont also.

I'm going to review it again some day. It's a recording of a conversation between the woman and my mom, so it's not super straightforward, but it touches upon everything. I'm sure I'll be able to pull something out of it that I'd find useful.

[Shannon]

I suggest you make a sincere study of natal astrology for yourself, Mat. I believe you'll find it extremely useful for understanding yourself and others better. Don't rely on what someone else said about your chart without knowing for certain they know what they're talking about. You have no idea whether or not they had a clue what they were talking about, and you shouldn't judge astrology based on the lacking awareness of it's less skilled students.

[mat422]

I suggest you make a sincere study of natal astrology for yourself, Mat. I believe you'll find it extremely useful for understanding yourself and others better. Don't rely on what someone else said about your chart without knowing for certain they know what they're talking about. You have no idea whether or not they had a clue what they were talking about, and you shouldn't judge astrology based on the lacking awareness of it's less skilled students.

I'm actually quite interested in it. There's a lot of people that just parrot others and say it's just vague meanings and not really an indication of anything. But everyone seems to go by those horoscopes and think that's the extent of astrology. I'm very disappointed when science becomes this huge juggernaut that just wants to bulldoze everything and people start to believe in what they are told instead of finding out for themselves. Anyway, definitely not judging astrology itself, more so judging the individual presenting the chart to me.

From what I understand when the natal chart was made, everything was precise as possible, including time of birth. But as far as the person reading the chart, I couldn't know. All I know is when I heard everything she was talking about it seemed to be the polar opposite of how I felt about everything. But at the same time, I've always felt that I have this type of personality that's been distorted over the years due to the negative beliefs. So to understand who I truly am underneath it all has been quite a journey and I feel like I haven't even scraped the surface yet.