Disconnect from negativity within

[mat422]

So the initial uplift I had faded somewhat. I couldn't hold onto that state forever, but that's ok and it doesn't signify any failure on my part. I realized that, in my current situation, I'm going to have days where I'm not feeling too good. I can't force myself to snap out of it, that's not how I feel it works. I'm better off just letting it pass and doing my best to keep moving forward.

I think the most important thing I learned was to be removed from the negative emotions. I understood that in the past, but somewhere along the way I lost it. I recognize the negativity isn't me, it's just a passing thing. I don't try to push it away and I don't give it any more attention, I just let it be there and pass. I've been starting to meditate again, but very short durations or however long I feel like it. Just sitting peacefully and letting whatever comes up be there without doing anything helps remind me that things do come to pass if you don't hold onto them.

And it just got me thinking how I tend to think forward progress is more linear, but it's really got dips and spikes, so I have to remember that. But I think a critical thing I'm now working on is to not take the failure so harshly. I made brownies the other night and I noticed while I was reading the directions I was so intent on not screwing up anything like adding too much water or something. So I stopped myself and said even if the brownies came out less than good it's not the end of the world. That's when I realized how out of control my anxiety can be some times, worried about screwing up brownies. I'm starting to wonder if some of that is due to my childhood. I was always very careful about not making a mistake in the house otherwise my dad could fly off the handle and start yelling. But it was never a constant thing, he just didn't deal with stress well and bottled it all up, so one thing could just set him off. I just always feel like there are huge consequences if I screw something up, when realistically there isn't.

[Sean]

I think the most important thing I learned was to be removed from the negative emotions. I understood that in the past, but somewhere along the way I lost it. I recognize the negativity isn't me, it's just a passing thing. I don't try to push it away and I don't give it any more attention, I just let it be there and pass. I've been starting to meditate again, but very short durations or however long I feel like it. Just sitting peacefully and letting whatever comes up be there without doing anything helps remind me that things do come to pass if you don't hold onto them.

This is pure gold right here. Good job, Mat!

[Shannon]

Mat... consider running Ultra Success.

[mat422]

Mat... consider running Ultra Success.

I hadn't considered ultra success, I'm looking at it now and it does seem like I would benefit from it a lot.

I've just got a question for you Shannon. Having ran the ASC sub for about 3 months now, I feel more confident for sure. But I feel like confidence isn't the be all end all as far as negative beliefs go. I'm just curious if it's possible that separate issues could be perceived as low confidence, but really are a separate issue that needs to be addressed in a specific manner.

And I believe my confidence has improved a lot, mostly because I'm able to tackle things head on despite my anxiety at times. That to me is the biggest sign of confidence, being able to push past the fear. But I still feel like I just have all this untapped potential and I've yet to find what it is that unlocks it.

I'm starting to wonder if removing fear is less important than just building up my positive beliefs to crush it. So for example the disconnect from negativity within, if I try to remove that negativity, but some other beliefs are clinging onto it then it would be hard to remove. But if I worked with those negative beliefs and became overall more positive and installed new ones maybe that negativity wouldn't need to be held onto as much and wouldn't have as much power.

[mat422]

I've been through several stages of dealing with social anxiety. When I was younger I'd just tell myself that it was just anxiety. I was just super anxious around people and it was irrational and it had nothing to do with my own self esteem or fear. I was treating the anxiety as some entity that attached itself to me. A few years later I started getting into meditation and understanding that I was hesitant to be honest with myself about how I feel. I recognized that I did have a fear of being hurt, that my anxiety was related to the fear I felt, and that overall I felt very emotionally vulnerable and I felt weak. Now I'm seeing that maybe the fear is there because I'm worried people are going to see how much I struggle with even being ok with myself.

I think I'm starting to get closer to the root of my issues. I guess at the deepest core of my being I feel broken or ashamed of myself. I used to think that I felt that way because of dealing with social anxiety. But maybe I've had it backwards all these years. Maybe I have the social anxiety because I'm ashamed of myself for reasons unknown to me. Maybe I just have deep deep self esteem issues and the reason I have the anxiety is because I don't want people looking at me and seeing that. And to take it one step further maybe the anxiety has been creating a loop that further erodes my own self esteem.

And just typing this out I felt a bit of an emotional release. And I've realized I've been expending so much energy in trying to get rid of my anxiety without addressing how I really felt inside and being honest with myself. And the self help positive thinking movement probably made me feel worse. I feel like lately negative feelings have become something to be ashamed of. As if you just need to think more positively and ignore the negative. But those negative feelings are important, they are like a flag telling you something is wrong and you should take a deeper look. If I'm completely honest, no I guess I don't feel good about myself and I do have issues that I feel are unresolved. And even more trying to counter those negative feelings with positive thinking makes me feel worse, it's like my mind takes the exact opposite.

I guess what I'm trying to say is there's a fine line between wallowing in self pity and being completely ignorant of the issues you face. It takes a certain amount of honesty to be able to grow, first you have to be aware of what it is that plagues you.

That being said I'm thinking of running the remove negativity within sub again. I was thinking about the self esteem sub but it's only 3G. Or maybe alpha 2011 I should give another run through. I just need something to get to the root of these issues.

Decided to run remove negativity within. I'm gonna hold off on alpha until I can scrape together enough cash to buy 5.0. Maybe after remove negativity within I'll run the fear sub too. But for now I feel like the deeper issues that need to be tackled right now are related to negativity I'm still subconsciously holding onto.

[mat422]

One night, I know the general consensus is that results from subliminals take more than that, but I think removing negativity is a different type.

Overall I've just been fed up with the persistent negativity inside of me. And even the first time I ran this sub, I was very reluctant to allow those emotions to purge from my body. I don't know how my subconscious deals with this stuff. Whether I feel bad for a day or two, or a week, then it purges or within the hour. I can't possibly know, all I know is I have to just let it run it's course of action.

I'm the type of person that uses their thoughts to distance themselves from their emotions. I think the thing is that I want to believe that all problems can be solved in a rational manner. Sometimes it's better to just shut off the thinking and just go with what you feel and let it do what it has to do.

The one thing I always constantly feel is that I chose this for myself and it's my fault. And I always felt that the only reason I had a need to try so hard to be positive is because the negativity is always weighing me down. At this point I feel like it's a parasite attached to me and doesn't want to separate from me.

I know something is off. I've known for a while now. Slowly the subs are helping me fix that. I've said it before but there is a huge difference between getting something intellectually vs actually feeling it. Once you feel it, you know that's your reality now. But until you truly experience it, it just seems like a vague concept.

Overall I try to get to the root of my issues intellectually. Maybe I'm just thinking about it too much. Maybe I do feel bad and I just need to get rid of that negativity, I don't need to know how it came about or hold onto it as a form of self identity. I guess the frustration of it all is what gets to me and I never felt comfortable having an outlet for those emotions and maybe that's exactly what I need to do instead of thinking about the why behind it. I really don't know, all I can do is just keep trying to grow and learn along the way.

I might run ultra success alongside this sub though or maybe happiness and joy. Just seems like a good idea to fill the space where the negativity used to occupy.

[Sean]

Mat, I think you are overthinking, again.

Are you holding on too tightly to something? Is there a fear of letting go?

[mat422]

Mat, I think you are overthinking, again.

Are you holding on too tightly to something? Is there a fear of letting go?

I'm trying to dial down the thinking. But my mind has a tendency to go into overdrive trying to find a solution.

I don't know if I'm holding on to something or not. I'm pretty sure I'm just dealing with a lot of anxiety right now. So maybe I'm weaving stories to rationalize that anxiety. Maybe I should start listening to the overcome fear sub instead.

But it's like I said, something feels wrong and I don't really have an idea of how to fix it other than working on my subconscious. I feel like I burned myself out and I don't have the energy to keep pushing right now.

Thinking about it now I think I'm just gonna move onto the overcome fear sub. I feel like fear is just whats been eroding my self esteem over the years. And even if my self esteem could use a boost, I'd be better off addressing fear first. Because even just removing that fear would open up opportunities to actually allow myself to change. And the more I've been thinking about it, the more I realized that the fear was just contributing to a lot of my deluded thinking about myself. I'm not a bad person, I don't dislike myself, and I realize the only time I really get down on myself is when the fear dictates my life. I think my biggest fear is just getting hurt by others. Childish sounding, very much. Especially when an adult has all the tools to take experiential evidence and re-frame their behavior. But I guess that's not the only fear. My life lately feels like I'm just suffocating in fear, that stems from my social anxiety making it seem like I'll never win. A lot of that fear just turns into depression when I feel frustrated about being unable to change my situation. I've made improvements, that's for sure. I'm committed to always growing. But I don't want to live a life of coping, I need permanent change. The way I see things I want a major rewriting of my subconscious so I don't have to think about how to behave or constantly be on the verge of slipping up and falling into depression again. I'm gonna change, I've done it before and I keep doing it, I just have to keep at it.

[mat422]

So running overcome fear has me feeling pretty good. I honestly didn't expect it to affect me this fast, but I did honestly want to rid myself of that fear.

So results so far. I'm able to speak without second guessing or intensely analyzing what I said. I'm starting to realize just where the fear had affected me and I didn't even realize it. My anxiety levels have dropped, I no longer feel that feeling of being suffocated by fear. This alone has given me a lot more relaxation. I've been feeling a lot better, I'm sure because the fear is being replaced like what the sub says.

Looking back, I really felt it, like a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. It was just this overwhelming sense of dread and worry. At times it made my life unbearable, I couldn't think straight and I felt paralyzed.

Also I realized that fear held me back in ways that I honestly never thought of. I ran the ASC sub before this, I feel like I was cultivating a way more confident personality, I really felt it. But I had fear associated with actually being that confident. So it's like the fear was blocking a part of me that I wanted, but the fear kept telling me "no if you do that something bad will happen". That's the interesting thing about fear for me at least. The fear, when I had it full force, really made me feel like it was bad to be doing what I was doing. But now that I feel like I'm above the fear so to speak it all just seems so irrational. I honestly can't think of why the fear was there, it just was and it just stunted my growth severely. It's one of those things where it only makes sense once you don't have the problem anymore. It's like, why was I afraid of becoming more confident again? I can't understand it at all, the fear was just so incredibly illogical, no wonder I had such a hard time with it.

And one more example. I had this weird problem where I couldn't listen to multiple genres of music otherwise I felt bad. In hindsight this could have been a very mild form of OCD. I never felt really free to choose what I wanted to listen to, it was more based on what I had been listening to and sticking to that type of genre. Anyway since running this sub that's disappeared, I can just listen to whatever I feel like without worrying. In general I feel my obsessive tendencies have decreased a lot because the driving force behind those was fear, if I don't do x y and z something bad's gonna happen. But it doesn't, that was just the fear speaking.

It's only been about 2 days. I'm really liking the direction of this sub. I feel like it's really getting to the heart of the issue I've been wrestling with for a while now. I feel like my mind knows exactly what fear is because I've been struggling with it, so destroying it is something I'm happy to do. It seems like such a simple solution, just killing fear at the roots, I honestly thought it seemed too simplistic. But I guess judging it from the conscious mind perspective is the wrong way to go about it. Maybe this is exactly what my subconscious needed to hear.

[MD81]

Good decision Mat. OF was surprisingly smooth for myself as well - and very well balanced. You will definitely love your journey through this. The other thing with OF I have seen is that it enhances the previously used sub effects pretty nicely as well.

Looking forward to your updates.

[Patti]

I am so using this sub after the smoking one!

[Shannon]

I am really pleased with the results you guys are getting from OF. I actually was afraid to release it, lol, because it used some new scripting conventions and while nothing would have gone bad if they hadn't worked, I was afraid (hee hee!) that they wouldn't. Since there was no down side I did it anyway... and apparently it works beautifully. I used the same conventions in OEFW, which is coming along beautifully with success.

Hmmm... Unlimited Success. Possible successor to Ultra Success... I get ideas at the strangest moments.

[Benjamin]

Wow awesome Matt, from reading some of your posts and the results so far tells me that OF will help me alot too when I use it.

This part especially stood out to me..

So it's like the fear was blocking a part of me that I wanted, but the fear kept telling me "no if you do that something bad will happen".

Awesome, I remember my parents when I was younger with everything I did they would always be like 'be careful' and point out every little thing that could go wrong.

Your post makes me want to use it earlier!

I feel like it's really getting to the heart of the issue I've been wrestling with for a while now. I feel like my mind knows exactly what fear is because I've been struggling with it, so destroying it is something I'm happy to do.

And this, I really identify with that. Good luck with OF!

-Ben

[Shannon]

Ben, OF will be in AYIW next release, too.