06-18-2012, 02:13 PM
Another update, but this is gonna be more on theory or some of my difficulties becoming more of an alpha male.
Growing up as a kid I was sensitive, there was no doubt. I don't know what it is about little kids, but they tend to sniff out insecurity in others and then bully them for it. So there was no doubt my childhood wasn't the easiest. To boot I was a smart kid, so I got picked on for that as well.
Anyway at home I didn't always feel safe as a kid either. My dad had some anger issues, which at times led to me getting the belt to my behind. I don't remember why I angered him, all I remember is that he got very angry very easily. So as a role model, I don't think I took after him. Instead I feel like I was closer to my mom.
I'm not entirely certain, but I feel like I have some internalized form of misandry due to having a bad association with my father and I guess men in general. It's really only speculation, but as I grew older I still remained sensitive and being surrounded by guys that were major jerks didn't help matters.
So embarking on my alpha journey I didn't want to become the very thing that had caused me a lot of pain. I've noticed that the more masculine I get it kind of causes me anxiety.
Like I said it's all speculation and theory, but I just feel that a lot of the ways I was raised didn't result in a positive image of being a male. I feel like I've internalized that whole "men are dogs" attitude feminists seem to have and it made me think I was different than all the other guys growing up and they didn't know how to treat women right. Man was I wrong.
Also I feel like I grew up in a sexually repressed household. I remember one time I was making out with this girl up in my room when I was around 16 and my mom told me to leave my door open. It's like sex wasn't welcome and I was wrong for thinking of having sex with a girl. Quite literally I feel like I've internalized that sex makes me a bad person due to my mom's disapproval of it.
Growing up as a kid I was sensitive, there was no doubt. I don't know what it is about little kids, but they tend to sniff out insecurity in others and then bully them for it. So there was no doubt my childhood wasn't the easiest. To boot I was a smart kid, so I got picked on for that as well.
Anyway at home I didn't always feel safe as a kid either. My dad had some anger issues, which at times led to me getting the belt to my behind. I don't remember why I angered him, all I remember is that he got very angry very easily. So as a role model, I don't think I took after him. Instead I feel like I was closer to my mom.
I'm not entirely certain, but I feel like I have some internalized form of misandry due to having a bad association with my father and I guess men in general. It's really only speculation, but as I grew older I still remained sensitive and being surrounded by guys that were major jerks didn't help matters.
So embarking on my alpha journey I didn't want to become the very thing that had caused me a lot of pain. I've noticed that the more masculine I get it kind of causes me anxiety.
Like I said it's all speculation and theory, but I just feel that a lot of the ways I was raised didn't result in a positive image of being a male. I feel like I've internalized that whole "men are dogs" attitude feminists seem to have and it made me think I was different than all the other guys growing up and they didn't know how to treat women right. Man was I wrong.
Also I feel like I grew up in a sexually repressed household. I remember one time I was making out with this girl up in my room when I was around 16 and my mom told me to leave my door open. It's like sex wasn't welcome and I was wrong for thinking of having sex with a girl. Quite literally I feel like I've internalized that sex makes me a bad person due to my mom's disapproval of it.
