02-15-2017, 03:05 AM
This burns slightly, but there's nothing for I but to own up.
I've been an ass. There I said it. My coach lambasted me the other day for having turned into a spectator, and becoming at effect rather than at cause in my life. After moping about feeling sorry for myself, and then having the above exchange with Chaos, and some stuff go wrong at work, it clicked.
Below is a small cautionary tale on happiness and feeling good versus being at home in the struggle, and having solid fundamentals in terms of action taking.
The last 6 months have felt great, fell in love (didn't think it was possible), moved in with girlfriend, got promoted, again, having fun and enjoying life, travelling, meeting really cool fun people, having fascinating conversations, and great ideas.
But
This has all been happening to me, and I've been taking few and at best cosmetic or unfocussed actions in the direction of my longer term goals...enrolling for courses on top of work which are easy or which I've done nothing on, going to the gym or yoga intensely for a week then flopping, coasting at work with a level of expertise which allows me to jack my ego off as 'the guy who knows the answer', but has meant I've not grown much, and now have become weaker in action taking and resilience.
Confidence is great, not battering myself over every mishap or negative event is great, but complacency and confusing feeling good with doing good...catastrophic. To a point it was understandable, happiness has mostly been something distant and unperceivable for me, so it was natural that a good run could result in this.
My Coach sat me down and noted in all my language, I was communicating as a spectator, everything an opinion, a theory, and not related to an action, no commitment, no failures, no tangible successes, not even a stated mission or learning points and then he laid a massive smack down on me. It took a few days before I could say to him 'shit, I got it', ironically (since I accused Chaos of this) I was too butt hurt to accept it and my childhood victim complex, that everyone was out to do me down and get me, set in. Now I realise I have to take 100% responsibility for absolutely everything in my life in order to be at cause, and that shit doesn't happen, without the active application of will to something larger than you think you are.
To Chaos, if you're interested in what happened from my side in the above exchange; I incorrectly inferred form three data points; (you having a go at frosted in one thread, something you said to Sarge after I opined, admittedly uselessly, on his situation, and you having a go at the person above) that you were defensive about DMSI.
I hadn't read your journal, or understood your story or tone and accused you of being defensive - after that I got annoyed because you called me a white knght (when I didn't even think the person was a woman, though that's not important here.), after this I myself became smug and condescending.
Anyway. time to move on now. I'm not going to post much now as my work is relatively sensitive and that's where I want to achieve the most.
I've been an ass. There I said it. My coach lambasted me the other day for having turned into a spectator, and becoming at effect rather than at cause in my life. After moping about feeling sorry for myself, and then having the above exchange with Chaos, and some stuff go wrong at work, it clicked.
Below is a small cautionary tale on happiness and feeling good versus being at home in the struggle, and having solid fundamentals in terms of action taking.
The last 6 months have felt great, fell in love (didn't think it was possible), moved in with girlfriend, got promoted, again, having fun and enjoying life, travelling, meeting really cool fun people, having fascinating conversations, and great ideas.
But
This has all been happening to me, and I've been taking few and at best cosmetic or unfocussed actions in the direction of my longer term goals...enrolling for courses on top of work which are easy or which I've done nothing on, going to the gym or yoga intensely for a week then flopping, coasting at work with a level of expertise which allows me to jack my ego off as 'the guy who knows the answer', but has meant I've not grown much, and now have become weaker in action taking and resilience.
Confidence is great, not battering myself over every mishap or negative event is great, but complacency and confusing feeling good with doing good...catastrophic. To a point it was understandable, happiness has mostly been something distant and unperceivable for me, so it was natural that a good run could result in this.
My Coach sat me down and noted in all my language, I was communicating as a spectator, everything an opinion, a theory, and not related to an action, no commitment, no failures, no tangible successes, not even a stated mission or learning points and then he laid a massive smack down on me. It took a few days before I could say to him 'shit, I got it', ironically (since I accused Chaos of this) I was too butt hurt to accept it and my childhood victim complex, that everyone was out to do me down and get me, set in. Now I realise I have to take 100% responsibility for absolutely everything in my life in order to be at cause, and that shit doesn't happen, without the active application of will to something larger than you think you are.
To Chaos, if you're interested in what happened from my side in the above exchange; I incorrectly inferred form three data points; (you having a go at frosted in one thread, something you said to Sarge after I opined, admittedly uselessly, on his situation, and you having a go at the person above) that you were defensive about DMSI.
I hadn't read your journal, or understood your story or tone and accused you of being defensive - after that I got annoyed because you called me a white knght (when I didn't even think the person was a woman, though that's not important here.), after this I myself became smug and condescending.
Anyway. time to move on now. I'm not going to post much now as my work is relatively sensitive and that's where I want to achieve the most.
Your task is not to seek for Love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.
