03-27-2019, 10:58 AM
I've spent the last month experimenting, and the result was an emotional living hell. I've pulled myself out of a mental and emotional shit storm. Finally! I'm not sure what I'll do going forward, but my days on DMSI are likely limited. I may or may not use 3.3.2. I haven't decided (more on that later).
My mistake was pushing 3.3.1. I switched from using ultrasonic, exclusively, to hybrid. That was challenging, but I just had to push things. I stopped taking SASRB days, and pushed the loops to 9 or 10 some days. Anxiety and fear became constant, and I spiraled into a deep depression. I only dug myself out by utilizing PSTEC and EFT. My other option was to switch to E2 (which is how I dealt w/ post 3.2 anxiety issues), but I didn't want to switch subs. Since I'm the primary caregiver for my children most of the time, I had to so something - fast. Motivation was zero, tolerance for light and noise zero (yelling kids, full-of-energy, anyone?), didn't want to post, didn't want to talk to anyone, didn't want to go anywhere, couldn't sleep well without melatonin & benedryl (diphenhydramine) or doxylamine. I was a mess.
To speed things along, I thought I needed to supplement aminos to increase my serotonin. L-theanine wasn't touching my anxiety, and made the depression worse still. I then added l-tryptophan, thinking that would help. It did the opposite, and cause a near psychotic-break. Sounds dramatic - felt real. Desperate to counteract that mistake (l-tryptophan for serotonin/l-theanine for anxiety), I did more clearing with PSTEC and EFT, and intuited that I should try NALT - N-acetyl-l-tyrosine. Just 200mg washed me over with instant relief. Now I'm normalized, have motivation, have patience for the energy and noise of my children, and I'm not in any hurry to muck that up again. Things could be better still, but I'm not at the edge of losing my ever-livin'-mind anymore.
During all that mess, I started dowsing with my pendulum again, and it led me back to 3.3.0, at 1 loop per day. In the past, I used the pendulum on 3.1, and it increased results for me. Alas, that, too (1 loop on 3.3.0), was barely manageable - until I started the low dose l-tyrosine. Things are now manageable, thank goodness, and the only thing I notice is that my eyelid started twitching again (which was absent on 3.3.1). But, on the other hand, external IOIs have returned, libido returned and increased, and my wife has started vying harder for sexual attention. I experimented with 5 loops, ultrasonic, on speaker the other night, and yesterday I felt fine. I also had very sexual dreams (that included women seducing me for sex). Dream recall was completely absent on 3.3.1. Multiple positive sign posts on 3.3.0 vs. 3.3.1, for whatever reason.
Through all of this, I have more appreciation for my wife and family. Given the choice for otherwise, I wouldn't want it. I don't know if just being insanely miserable woke me up - just wanting to feel normal and happy again, or what. So potentially, I'm on the doorstep of full execution, but in reality - I don't actually want to be presented with the choice of having sex with anyone else. I just want to be happy with my family. My sex life with my wife is much improved, and I don't have to worry about being turned down by her anymore. That's all I really wanted. After this, I don't even want to explore any reasons for being attracted to my SIL. I probably always will find her attractive, but that doesn't bother me anymore. It is what it is. I'm sure the intensity of it will ebb and flow throughout my life, but I don't even want to figure it out, anymore. I choose my wife and my family. I'm not going to do anything stupid to jeopardize that.
That all said, it may be time to move on to something else. It'd be nice to run a version of DMSI and get to the point of execution and say, "No thanks," to some random attractive lady that tries to seduce me for sex - just so I can say that there were changes made that finally got me there - to that seemingly impossible experience where I flawlessly execute without fear or misery. But it doesn't look like we're going to get there. So I'll keep an eye on USLM4, USM, and E3 journals and see what I want to do in the meantime. If 3.3.2 or 3.4 comes out, I'll think about it, but really, it's time to put my family and our collective happiness first.
My mistake was pushing 3.3.1. I switched from using ultrasonic, exclusively, to hybrid. That was challenging, but I just had to push things. I stopped taking SASRB days, and pushed the loops to 9 or 10 some days. Anxiety and fear became constant, and I spiraled into a deep depression. I only dug myself out by utilizing PSTEC and EFT. My other option was to switch to E2 (which is how I dealt w/ post 3.2 anxiety issues), but I didn't want to switch subs. Since I'm the primary caregiver for my children most of the time, I had to so something - fast. Motivation was zero, tolerance for light and noise zero (yelling kids, full-of-energy, anyone?), didn't want to post, didn't want to talk to anyone, didn't want to go anywhere, couldn't sleep well without melatonin & benedryl (diphenhydramine) or doxylamine. I was a mess.
To speed things along, I thought I needed to supplement aminos to increase my serotonin. L-theanine wasn't touching my anxiety, and made the depression worse still. I then added l-tryptophan, thinking that would help. It did the opposite, and cause a near psychotic-break. Sounds dramatic - felt real. Desperate to counteract that mistake (l-tryptophan for serotonin/l-theanine for anxiety), I did more clearing with PSTEC and EFT, and intuited that I should try NALT - N-acetyl-l-tyrosine. Just 200mg washed me over with instant relief. Now I'm normalized, have motivation, have patience for the energy and noise of my children, and I'm not in any hurry to muck that up again. Things could be better still, but I'm not at the edge of losing my ever-livin'-mind anymore.
During all that mess, I started dowsing with my pendulum again, and it led me back to 3.3.0, at 1 loop per day. In the past, I used the pendulum on 3.1, and it increased results for me. Alas, that, too (1 loop on 3.3.0), was barely manageable - until I started the low dose l-tyrosine. Things are now manageable, thank goodness, and the only thing I notice is that my eyelid started twitching again (which was absent on 3.3.1). But, on the other hand, external IOIs have returned, libido returned and increased, and my wife has started vying harder for sexual attention. I experimented with 5 loops, ultrasonic, on speaker the other night, and yesterday I felt fine. I also had very sexual dreams (that included women seducing me for sex). Dream recall was completely absent on 3.3.1. Multiple positive sign posts on 3.3.0 vs. 3.3.1, for whatever reason.
Through all of this, I have more appreciation for my wife and family. Given the choice for otherwise, I wouldn't want it. I don't know if just being insanely miserable woke me up - just wanting to feel normal and happy again, or what. So potentially, I'm on the doorstep of full execution, but in reality - I don't actually want to be presented with the choice of having sex with anyone else. I just want to be happy with my family. My sex life with my wife is much improved, and I don't have to worry about being turned down by her anymore. That's all I really wanted. After this, I don't even want to explore any reasons for being attracted to my SIL. I probably always will find her attractive, but that doesn't bother me anymore. It is what it is. I'm sure the intensity of it will ebb and flow throughout my life, but I don't even want to figure it out, anymore. I choose my wife and my family. I'm not going to do anything stupid to jeopardize that.
That all said, it may be time to move on to something else. It'd be nice to run a version of DMSI and get to the point of execution and say, "No thanks," to some random attractive lady that tries to seduce me for sex - just so I can say that there were changes made that finally got me there - to that seemingly impossible experience where I flawlessly execute without fear or misery. But it doesn't look like we're going to get there. So I'll keep an eye on USLM4, USM, and E3 journals and see what I want to do in the meantime. If 3.3.2 or 3.4 comes out, I'll think about it, but really, it's time to put my family and our collective happiness first.
