DMSI 3.2A and B: Time for Change

[findingme]

I'm in some battle, trying to see and NOT see what I'm thinking. Fears which have hijacked me for years I'm seeing, and I'm scared/not scared/scared/not scared looking at them. One of them is "say what is the RIGHT/SAFEST thing to say". I'm still held back from admitting fears since......... I've been "needing" acceptance. When I was young, I found it best to stay in my circle, do the right thing, and it met my needs. Here I am, feeling inept and incapable, so I try my damn best to not share that. Why? Because it's the (emotional) truth! And being truthful meant people didn't want to be around you. So, lying became my new safe way.

Maybe DMSI is challenging that. On UD, I was hit with, and was really liking, the honesty factor. I'd wondered if DMSI had elements of that, and I have reason to believe "yes". I'd heard Shannon mention the detox process, and emotional detox was an absolute gift.

I'm bringing this up since as I listen and change, my wants and needs morph too. I'd spent the day seeking out business ideas which "made me look good". I've also sabotaged myself not moving forward on anything today. A lot of fears have hung on my lies I've tried to hide behind, meaning if I'm successful but dishonest, I don't feel good. At this moment, I'm not sure what is true. Fears are most evident now, so I've held on from moving. My norms are being challenged.

Just reporting this. No closure yet. Still healing. And listening now.

[findingme]

I had a crappy day emotionally. I tried hybrid again last night. Not a good result. Didn't sleep until it ended. I've got US on now, 7 loops.

I have had this fear that I'm losing a system of relying on people, and it's uncomfortable. I felt quite small and powerless today. I've normally had some barrier around other men I work with, a fear-based imagined outside escape which is me making money from home, so it'll save me from having honest relationships. In contrast, I'm imagining me teaching again. I've had intuitions I should go that way, but not a steady want-to. I used to have a lot of terror of teaching full-time, so I never completed my schooling in it. Started it a few times, but fear hung on, never completing it. So, I sat in a bit of fear today around the guys. Regarding teaching, I was uncertain and at peace at the same time--who does that???

Then I came home, got on my computer to familiarize myself with the work at home avenues, a daily thing. Honestly, I'm doing in my own business what I've done on subliminals: always trying to steer away from succeeding. I've been in shiny object syndrome recently, have purchased a product or two...........but I'm not using them. All distractions. I'm wasting time, avoiding actual success, ignoring prior goals time after time.

While on A currently, things are being challenged and changed a little at a time. I've lived a way noone could succeed by avoiding relationships and commitments to complete goals, since success......would require more change. S***. I thought "why the hell would you want to do that?" That's me a lot right now. And it had me feeling low once I got home and began to see my normal habit of actually avoiding success.

I am here using DMSI now, to change me. Living like this has not been a public or known thing, and DMSI is allowing (no, making) me feel uncomfortable since denial keeps me from seeing that. And its chipping through. For me, moments of genuine sadness and regret are better than days and days of lying to myself. I'm not comfortable with me yet. So, for today, I'm running it. I have some control there. Done for now

[findingme]

A is working on me, and it's positive. I've felt insecure a bit around male coworkers since I've been childishly dependent on them, but today I felt a shift.

I worked with the combat veteran again, and early on, I felt that insecurity. But that feeling was right along a secure feeling, knowing I didn't need them like I'd been fearfully thinking (for months). It also wasn't a fear-based rejection or reaction. I just did not feel so "in need" of someone giving me some security. It came from within. I felt like I could actually believe in myself........which was a pleasant relief

This was BIG. I even wondered about staying on A longer. But probably not. B has its own drive, plus I've read there's still stuff clearing on B. I'll just keep on my A/B schedule.

Girl related: I did try to talk to a cashier when I got gas. She was in her routine, giving short responses, since people were behind me. And wow, I didn't take it personally. I wasn't in need of some validation, so I moved on mentally and emotionally, quite happy there were other women in the world. This is fun

[findingme]

I had an unusual thing happen this morning. I stopped to pick up a snack at my corner gas station before work (just after 5AM), and part of me is curious how my aura has increased doing 7 loops. Usually there are 2 or 3 women or girls on duty, as it's a busy place.

I saw one woman who I'd smiled at recently since she seems to look out for the younger ones; I found that attractive since she's open about it and is confident as well.

Well, when I walked in, I went straight for what I came in for--a candy bar. The woman I spoke of said something loudly to a younger cashier, and it sticks with me. She said "(name?), you look really good this morning!" Being that is was only 5AM, I did not come in feeling too social, but I did look to see who she was talking to. It was a younger blond trying to stock some stuff behind the counter. Nothing came of that, I got my stuff and left, but I'm still flattered. Looking back, I wonder "did she do that for me?"

I've literally never had that happen. I'm kind of bummed, looking back, that I didn't do more in the situation. However, on a positive note, I'm seeing myself dismissing other "gifts" thrown my way. The positive is that I've never noticed this or cared that I missed it in the first place. A is scraping away my ignorance of these situations, and I'm humbled I was actually shown this.

No kidding, I'm still thinking "really? Nah..." But it happened. I'm used to thinking small of myself, but I think I had the celebrity effect going on. That along with some SE, and I'm feeling pretty grateful I'm using DMSI.

It seems DMSI is ramping up my sexual attraction towards women in general too, meaning I'm noticing and looking for women more. Most of my adult life I've diminished my attractions regularly, and I thought "that's just how it'll be", which just continued the cycle. I'm waking up though, and I'm seeing women left and right. Women are noticing me too. SE and the other subs in DMSI are having me feel good and not bad about my attractions, so (I've said it again and again) this is new to me. And really encouraging.

[findingme]

DMSI "A" has been digging into some old relational patterns. Letting go of old patterns is mentally desired but emotionally demanding.

I get on here, and as I write, I don't want to share me. I want to share something productive, something inspiring.........and that is funny since.....I've been in bed all day so far since this is my one down day. I'm actually hiding today....okay, I'm hiding from my mom again. The more I think of her, the more I'm disappointed in thinking she may have anything to give as a good model, emotionally.

She called me last night while I was playing a game with some friends, and in front of them, I said "letting that go to voicemail". I f****** tired of continual guilt trips, shame trips (which I give myself), so I said no. I'd kind of (if that's possible) thought I'd listen later. It's almost been 24 hours, and I've not listened. I'm going off repeat performances in my head, as I just don't want a guilt and shame based relationship anymore. I am getting SOOO tired of the emotional games they require and demand. I've got more exciting things to do than play "yes, I feel sh***, can you help distract me from it for a while?"

I'm tired of it with other people since I do it with myself still. DMSI is helping me see this, and it's hopeful since this sub has the tools to help me stop it with myself. That is enough of new challenge by itself; and me accepting it from others lately has been easy to see. I end up feeling it more when I put in effort to ignore it. "What you resist will persist", and it does so powerfully in my experience.

I love my mom, but I don't enjoy her lifestyle. Running from all change and pain is what I've followed most of my life. Hiding from it just creates MORE pain though. I'd not write this if I wasn't in regular awareness of it on DMSI.

I'm on my off day today. I'll restart B tomorrow. I've both read and experienced the melancholy on A and the hyperdrive on B. Shannon was wise to have us start on B, for there is a definite difference.

[findingme]

I fought from playing no subs on my off day yesterday, but I finally turned OGSF off around 1, and this morning I'm seeing a difference mentally. I did dream, and it tied into some fears I've carried for a while.

The fears of being gay have been with me since I work with only guys, and over the last almost 3 years some have asked why I wasn't with anybody. I have never had a good answer. Then, recently one driver has been snubbing me, so the fears of being perceived as weird or gay have surfaced.

But something happened last night, and my dream ended up pointing at my root. Last night, I'd gone shopping for food, and a lane was open with no cashier. I looked around, and a young cashier saw me and jumped in his lane. He asked how I was. I said, trying to be understanding of his late work hours, that I was glad I was not at work now. He responded that yeah, it was Sunday, but it did give him some hours. I shared I'd worked for the company right after high school. He shared he was going to going to school soon to be a pharmacy tech, which was positive on his part. He quickly shared he was uncertain if going to school for training was the best idea vs. applying with another local chain where they'd train him on site. This struggle made perfect sense to me, so I responded agreeing with him. He genuinely appreciated me hearing his dilemna, as we were both present and not distracted. He genuinely thanked me before I left. That felt good.

Based on what I wrote 2 paragraphs up, I felt scared a little. He'd just opened up, and I validated his concerns. Nothing strange, at all. No unusual feelings. It was just a safe conversation. I had a good interaction with a guy out of high school seeking a smart direction in life currently. It's something I can relate with.

Came home, ate, and went to bed finally. In my dream, I realized I'd not really connected much with guys due to that fear I'd be hurt if I wanted to depend on them. This fear has grown and stayed. But also in my dream, I also feared connecting with women. My guards weren't up, so it just flowed. I'd married thinking my wife would show me how to be a man. My mom never married or dated, so this was my training: women just make it happen, not men. However, a shaming by myself and others made me not open myself up to my wife, who was very emotionally distant. She was no help. Well, in my dream, I was attracted to women for the safety I thought they'd bring in my life. This is how I was trained to appreciate women--what they could do for me. My fear and pain was not nearly as strong as it used to be, and I saw, in part, where I've been stuck. I've been afraid to do a relationship again since "that's all I know". I've equated me being in a committed relationship with me being a user.

That's what I discovered. Sex is advertised like "it's my RIGHT!", and to me, that's using people, in my thinking anyway. I'm staying on DMSI, sharing honestly. A is just pointing out an obstacle. Thank *** for H/C.

[findingme]

It hurts writing this, as I've not been asking for help lately while on the sub. I've been going with the "I'm supposed to not ask for help since nobody walks my walk" mode. I'm not confident doing this now.

I've been "trying" to look good here, meaning some challenges have come up, some have stayed up, but DMSI is changing my wants and reactions, and those very changes I'm feeling and fearing consequences of. I'm not people-pleasing NEARLY as much as I've done most of my life, and I am insecure.

2 females in my family stand out, and I'm scared a bit. First there's my mom. I've lied to her (and myself) for years now, saying what she wanted to hear, not what I've always been thinking. I've not called her in 2 weeks (well, she called me), and she called Sunday night after me not visiting her in 2 weeks with no communication. Her voicemail was her blaming herself pitifully for me not coming over, saying repeatedly "I DO love you", implying I thought she hated me, and she was wooing me back. She pleaded that I call her. I've not done so. Am I right? I'm sick of me playing the game of "let's NOT be honest today!" She's 78, yet acts like a vulnerable 8 year old seeking some acceptance and love. She has no friends since she's home 24/7. And her children, those who are honest, don't interact with her much at all.

I'm kind of scared I'll regret ignoring her someday since this could be me.
I wish it was simple, but in truth, my distance is actually a revenge and also a emotional safeguard for me. I get drained even thinking of visiting her, since I hide "me" from her. Exhausting. And I'm tired of taking care of her emotions. I did so my entire life, even when I was living out of the area. Like I felt indebted to saving her emotionally. I even considered dropping out of college in my 3rd year to ease my conscience. To save my momma. To come home and rescue her. When I got into Al-Anon (for families/friends of alcoholics) that same year in college, I felt sane again. But so far on DMSI, I've not made any changes or commitments with my mom, except I don't wish to babysit her emotions. It's just an internal rejection of this "norm".

Geesss. I've not aired that to anybody recently, myself included. She's my biggest hangup emotionally.

The second female on my mind is not nearly so negative. In fact, it may actually be positive. Really. It concerns my 13 year old daughter. Pre-DMSI (7 loops), I'd text or FB message my daughter every 3-4 days, similarly to how my mom would call or text me. Gawd.....I'd do a "thinking of you" or "I love you" which, just like my mom's messages, had the undertone of "would you PLEASE respond?!!!"

But I've not felt guilty since.....I've not been doing that for weeks. I've not been planting unspoken expectations, trying to have her care for ME emotionally. That's why this is positive with her. I know I think I "should" know who I should be to her, but I don't. And honestly, I'm not worried about it. Me not depending on her is a very, very good thing. And a great benefit of DMSI. Me NOT depending on her is fabulous! Thanks Shannon!

I just realized something monumental. I'd shared about Al-Anon above, and I began thinking of meetings. "Should I go back? Why would I go?" I've not been to any 12 step meeting in almost 2 months, and I went to multiple groups multiple times per week for YEARS. But what came up while thinking about that was.........I withdrew........EXACTLY like with my mom........ since I put on my "I'll take care of YOU, not me" mask to EVERY even somewhat attractive woman in the room. I think.....I always did this. It made me feel needed, wanted, important. Loved.

And if I didn't do this, I feared not being loved. So me being loved and appreciated was always dependent on me "performing" for them via overhonest shares most of the time (I do similarly here .) Over time, I got sick of performing, so I just quit going. It's why I've not gone back too. "Putting on my show" was all I knew, and I know it's a lie now.

Major sidenote: This is EXACTLY why I've not been dating, searching, or seeking out a girlfriend. GDammit, this is why! :@ I've felt shame, I'd disregarded my attractions, and minimized, minimized, minimized them all. I've been handcuffed to this.....how the HELL do I get out?!!! Will DMSI free me? This angers me :@

DMSI is healing me more than anything else I've done.


So......recently, I've been becoming aware of these many facades and performances I've put on. I've just not known "who" to be, so I've not gone to church or meetings in months.. I've imagined, and have done so at times, just fallen into that caretaking role and would just play it around others. I am not comfortable doing this at this time (!!!!)

I'm unsure exactly who I am right now, or even who I can be since a lot of old comfy lies were in my roles. Surprisingly, even though I'm on B now (began last night), I never thought of this clearly while on A. I felt sadness a moment ago, and that made me realize I'd not had tears while on A. Maybe it just needed time to process, since me letting go of old roles seems what I'm (actually) fighting letting go of. This is me right now.

[mat422]

Sounds like really good progress man. When we get a glimpse behind the curtain so to speak that's a sign we're moving beyond what holds us back.

That whole thing with your mom really sucks. But she's an adult and you're an adult. After a certain age we should all learn to take care of our emotional needs. I'd imagine she gets rather defensive if you bring this up?

[findingme]

Sounds like really good progress man. When we get a glimpse behind the curtain so to speak that's a sign we're moving beyond what holds us back.

That whole thing with your mom really sucks. But she's an adult and you're an adult. After a certain age we should all learn to take care of our emotional needs. I'd imagine she gets rather defensive if you bring this up?

Defensive? Yes, if I bring it up. Presently, I'm still ignoring her. A call yesterday, 2 since I last listened, and I've not listened to her messages at all in 3 days or so. I think I'm really pissing her off, and I'll go on and admit I'm proud of myself for that. Out of some internal change, I'm breaking free from nothing changing. "Nothing changes" is her survival stance, and I learned it too. I've been in situations I didn't, or never, liked but I feared upsetting somebody. I swallowed and digested the "nothing changes" stance myself, and in great part, that's why I'm with IML--since I get in my own way subconsciously. Whether its relationships, money, ambition, whatever--I've sabotaged change a 1000 times.

I'll give a clearer example. Change involves possible pain, mostly imagined, and forgiving myself for making changes is something E2 and other subs have helped me with. I broke my own lifelong survival rules, and feeling hurt is normal. The victim mindset would rise, and E2 nailed it again. For when change actually happens, I've been scared and I imagined I was helpless. Informing myself consciously and using subs subconsciously has become........more like my new survival rules. For now I know the truth.

No kidding: I'd just finished this post, and my mom calls. I ignored it. Tenacious she is.

[Shannon]

Change is the only constant in the universe.

[findingme]

Change is the only constant in the universe.

Absolutely.

[findingme]

Regarding change, a major way I've avoided it is by not telling anyone my thoughts and actions. Isolating, for me, enabled the "I'm not going to change" lifestyle.

So, I'm writing. No major dreams. As I checked my thread for replies, I felt sad. Sad I was going through change since not changing means I don't have painful feelings. Sad I was letting yesterday (or yesterdays) go. And even today, after months of sub usage, change still feels brand new.

Reminds me emotionally of the 4th, two days ago. I did march and play trumpet for the women's club. My daughter and ex were both there. My daughter was beautiful. I was also given a great gift. After the parade, most members returned to the clubhouse, which is only a block away from our parade ending point. I walked up, seeking some person to chat with, but the beer was out. I realized it wasn't a good place to seek a healthy discussion :-). I turned around, deciding to take a walk instead. My daughter was by her mom's car since she had done the same as I had. I invited her to join me. No plan, just walking. She joined me.

It was good to hear her. All the "I don't like the bodily changes" discussions, relational changes, she just spit it out (she's 13). I felt honored and proud since I didn't need anything from her personally. She wanted to connect with someone, and I was willing. They're in town until Saturday. I have fears of asking her out since I'm low on funds since rent is due.........I should just call her.

(Why am I scared?) I'm thinking "I won't have enough" if she wants to do something. Change equals: sharing the truth. (What if she rejects me?) Those are worst-case, imagined fears. Letting that go still feels new.

I'll text her, to start. This is on my mind, so I thought I'd share it.

[findingme]

I'm open for imput. I made a choice recently to stop DMSI, and I'm asking to see what I'm not seeing. The tension lies in "changing".

About a week back, I listened to E2 instead of DMSI for one night since I feel much less tension in myself and in my relationships while on it. The following day, I worked with a coworker who's notorious for a bad mood, and with only one night of E2, we talked and even laughed a lot of the next day. I know, from my perspective, if bait is around to take on a bad mood, I can drift towards it. However, I was the non-bitchy talker finding good things in my day, and it made the workday a very memorable one. I normally expect to be pissed by the end of the day when I've worked with this guy, but not that day. This same guy said he'd request to work with me the next day if at all possible--a first in my 3 years here.

I did 7 loops of B the next night. I slept well, feeling slightly tense the next morning. I worked with the combat vet doing our busy route, and I shared how I'd been pulling away from my mom, hadn't responded to her numerous calls, and he spoke up. In short, he's a black man with many family members, and he gave me specific warnings that that wasn't good.

I heard him, yet I still held on to what I know now as.....anger. My only known separation tool from my mom seems to be abandonment (I wish this weren't true, but it is)..... since she only knows what SHE needs. Noone else knows or loves her since she allows noone close, nor will she trust anyone.

(Do I do this too? I must. Dannggg)

Well, even while he and I were talking and working, she called in the cavalry: my brother, who NEVER calls me, called. I checked the voicemail; I was right. I told my coworker, and it led him to kindly let me know of relatives who had done similarly. How they'd burned bridges, losing all trust from family members as well. It did make me think.

Since starting DMSI, a part of me had been maturing, wondering "why am I such a small child around my own mom?" I realized....it was all she was comfortable with. Maturity seemed to scare her and remind her that she was.....still a small child herself .... Writing that, I'm wondering "is this her, or is this me?" I only know from my own lenses, so...it's me. I'm talking about myself, not her. Knowing and owning my own weaknesses has been frightening most of my life.

Anyway, I was pushing my mom away by ignoring her. She's been no help in growing up. So, more reason to steer clear. Also, a strong current of resentment has been the anchor for my stance. Why couldn't my own mom help with dealing with real life? I'm ANGRY she hides. I'm hurt and feel alone in the growing up process. GDammit, she's NO help! This pisses me off!!

_________________________________________________________


I've spent my life trying to bury that rage, that unexpressed truth...the reality I've not wanted to know. Not know at all. "I don't want to know" has come out of me more lately, and this shows when s*** is hitting the fan emotionally. I've hidden from those feelings and facts as a lifestyle, even while in 12 step meetings (my social norm for many years).

And DMSI is not some bad thing; it's not about that. I have had little to no guidance on growing up and separating from Mom. I've actually held on to the tether keeping me tied to her, hoping (insanely) that she'd fill that guidance role some day, that she'd be more mature some day. DMSI DID pull up feelings of emotional strength, that which is foreign to me. It said strongly "why DO I need her guidance? She's not changing" (Tears came with that statement, for I've done....what she's taught me. I've followed in her footsteps of not changing.) I'd just like some understanding and experience doing the "OPPOSITE". My mom never grew up herself. And...like me...she's not wanted to feel all alone being there. My experience is........it's a living hell. Noone except the most sick and manipulative live there. It became victims and perpetrators living off of each other.....a living hell.

I'm seeking outside help and perspectives, here in this forum. I got on DMSI for its healing properties........but I'm sure I am not the only one challenged by the message to "grow up". E2 is comfortable most days. I can hold up resistance to it and not have my world shaken, but DMSI is scary since it fights back (my understanding is it's not mild when a message needs to be heard).

I'm not even sure how alone (or not) I am.

My understanding last week was I'd get back on E2 to save my relationships. DMSI, with mixed feelings, said "HELL NO!!" to emotional stupidity. My mom doesn't want to grow.........damn......I'm seeing me as much as I'm seeing her. I've fought growing myself since it meant taking care of everyone else and NOT ME. My reaction, even now, is isolation. I'm using E2 since it allows and trains one to live in a self-healing way. With E2 (past and present) I've both given and received once I finally began to believe I had value.

I've contacted (texted only) my mom, but said I wasn't ready to talk. A mixture of anger and fear surfaces when thinking of speaking to her; lies are my norm, or silence.

Am I making the best decisions?

Am I focusing on her so I'm not focusing on me? (oh no....this may be true)

Am I avoiding change?

Would more DMSI help? Would a different rotation help?

On that last sentence, I'll share I actually LIKED being on A. It didn't blow up relationships or emotional hide-outs; it just scraped off BS in my life, similar to UD's effects. I found it gentler and desirable to be on.

Thanks for reading this. I spit up, but I was honest, meaning scared of changing, and scared of staying the same. Done. (No, really)

[findingme]

I'll add on another recent positive experience.

Last Saturday was a mandatory work day. While me and my coworker were picking up stuff missed around town, we ended up in my own neighborhood where I live.

Now, I'd texted my daughter the day before seeking to know if she wanted to go out. No reply. I got a little miffed, but.......I realized I was acting and feeling like a small child. I'd considered some angry blast back....... No. I wouldn't do that. She may leave, but tearing her down would only hurt her and our relationship. I let it go.

Thank ***.

Saturday morning, she texted me while we were in my own neighborhood (me and my coworker still in our work truck). She'd come by my place, gone in, seen I wasn't at home, and texted me saying she wanted to see me before she left. She even texted twice, back to back. In 5 minutes, we drove right up to where she was standing. I got out of my dirty work vest, came up to her, and hugged her . I held on since, like the last time I'd hugged her, she didn't want to let go, nor me to. She shared she didn't want to go back (to Kentucky), and that she wished she could live down here. She spit out a lot of stuff, and I can see SHE isn't living by lies to herself, which is GREAT.

I hugged her about a dozen times in 15 minutes, as I was reading her to say "I just want to be loved". It was gentle, loving, caring, and responsible. I felt good. And bad......my place is only one bedroom; no match for an introverted teenager needing plenty of "safe space". But I felt GOOD that she really wanted to see ME. Being a dad feels awesome sometimes :-).