07-10-2018, 03:34 PM
I'm open for imput. I made a choice recently to stop DMSI, and I'm asking to see what I'm not seeing. The tension lies in "changing".
About a week back, I listened to E2 instead of DMSI for one night since I feel much less tension in myself and in my relationships while on it. The following day, I worked with a coworker who's notorious for a bad mood, and with only one night of E2, we talked and even laughed a lot of the next day. I know, from my perspective, if bait is around to take on a bad mood, I can drift towards it. However, I was the non-bitchy talker finding good things in my day, and it made the workday a very memorable one. I normally expect to be pissed by the end of the day when I've worked with this guy, but not that day. This same guy said he'd request to work with me the next day if at all possible--a first in my 3 years here.
I did 7 loops of B the next night. I slept well, feeling slightly tense the next morning. I worked with the combat vet doing our busy route, and I shared how I'd been pulling away from my mom, hadn't responded to her numerous calls, and he spoke up. In short, he's a black man with many family members, and he gave me specific warnings that that wasn't good.
I heard him, yet I still held on to what I know now as.....anger. My only known separation tool from my mom seems to be abandonment (I wish this weren't true, but it is)..... since she only knows what SHE needs. Noone else knows or loves her since she allows noone close, nor will she trust anyone.
(Do I do this too? I must. Dannggg)
Well, even while he and I were talking and working, she called in the cavalry: my brother, who NEVER calls me, called. I checked the voicemail; I was right. I told my coworker, and it led him to kindly let me know of relatives who had done similarly. How they'd burned bridges, losing all trust from family members as well. It did make me think.
Since starting DMSI, a part of me had been maturing, wondering "why am I such a small child around my own mom?" I realized....it was all she was comfortable with. Maturity seemed to scare her and remind her that she was.....still a small child herself .... Writing that, I'm wondering "is this her, or is this me?" I only know from my own lenses, so...it's me. I'm talking about myself, not her. Knowing and owning my own weaknesses has been frightening most of my life.
Anyway, I was pushing my mom away by ignoring her. She's been no help in growing up. So, more reason to steer clear. Also, a strong current of resentment has been the anchor for my stance. Why couldn't my own mom help with dealing with real life? I'm ANGRY she hides. I'm hurt and feel alone in the growing up process. GDammit, she's NO help! This pisses me off!!
_________________________________________________________
I've spent my life trying to bury that rage, that unexpressed truth...the reality I've not wanted to know. Not know at all. "I don't want to know" has come out of me more lately, and this shows when s*** is hitting the fan emotionally. I've hidden from those feelings and facts as a lifestyle, even while in 12 step meetings (my social norm for many years).
And DMSI is not some bad thing; it's not about that. I have had little to no guidance on growing up and separating from Mom. I've actually held on to the tether keeping me tied to her, hoping (insanely) that she'd fill that guidance role some day, that she'd be more mature some day. DMSI DID pull up feelings of emotional strength, that which is foreign to me. It said strongly "why DO I need her guidance? She's not changing" (Tears came with that statement, for I've done....what she's taught me. I've followed in her footsteps of not changing.) I'd just like some understanding and experience doing the "OPPOSITE". My mom never grew up herself. And...like me...she's not wanted to feel all alone being there. My experience is........it's a living hell. Noone except the most sick and manipulative live there. It became victims and perpetrators living off of each other.....a living hell.
I'm seeking outside help and perspectives, here in this forum. I got on DMSI for its healing properties........but I'm sure I am not the only one challenged by the message to "grow up". E2 is comfortable most days. I can hold up resistance to it and not have my world shaken, but DMSI is scary since it fights back (my understanding is it's not mild when a message needs to be heard).
I'm not even sure how alone (or not) I am.
My understanding last week was I'd get back on E2 to save my relationships. DMSI, with mixed feelings, said "HELL NO!!" to emotional stupidity. My mom doesn't want to grow.........damn......I'm seeing me as much as I'm seeing her. I've fought growing myself since it meant taking care of everyone else and NOT ME. My reaction, even now, is isolation. I'm using E2 since it allows and trains one to live in a self-healing way. With E2 (past and present) I've both given and received once I finally began to believe I had value.
I've contacted (texted only) my mom, but said I wasn't ready to talk. A mixture of anger and fear surfaces when thinking of speaking to her; lies are my norm, or silence.
Am I making the best decisions?
Am I focusing on her so I'm not focusing on me? (oh no....this may be true)
Am I avoiding change?
Would more DMSI help? Would a different rotation help?
On that last sentence, I'll share I actually LIKED being on A. It didn't blow up relationships or emotional hide-outs; it just scraped off BS in my life, similar to UD's effects. I found it gentler and desirable to be on.
Thanks for reading this. I spit up, but I was honest, meaning scared of changing, and scared of staying the same. Done. (No, really)
About a week back, I listened to E2 instead of DMSI for one night since I feel much less tension in myself and in my relationships while on it. The following day, I worked with a coworker who's notorious for a bad mood, and with only one night of E2, we talked and even laughed a lot of the next day. I know, from my perspective, if bait is around to take on a bad mood, I can drift towards it. However, I was the non-bitchy talker finding good things in my day, and it made the workday a very memorable one. I normally expect to be pissed by the end of the day when I've worked with this guy, but not that day. This same guy said he'd request to work with me the next day if at all possible--a first in my 3 years here.
I did 7 loops of B the next night. I slept well, feeling slightly tense the next morning. I worked with the combat vet doing our busy route, and I shared how I'd been pulling away from my mom, hadn't responded to her numerous calls, and he spoke up. In short, he's a black man with many family members, and he gave me specific warnings that that wasn't good.
I heard him, yet I still held on to what I know now as.....anger. My only known separation tool from my mom seems to be abandonment (I wish this weren't true, but it is)..... since she only knows what SHE needs. Noone else knows or loves her since she allows noone close, nor will she trust anyone.
(Do I do this too? I must. Dannggg)
Well, even while he and I were talking and working, she called in the cavalry: my brother, who NEVER calls me, called. I checked the voicemail; I was right. I told my coworker, and it led him to kindly let me know of relatives who had done similarly. How they'd burned bridges, losing all trust from family members as well. It did make me think.
Since starting DMSI, a part of me had been maturing, wondering "why am I such a small child around my own mom?" I realized....it was all she was comfortable with. Maturity seemed to scare her and remind her that she was.....still a small child herself .... Writing that, I'm wondering "is this her, or is this me?" I only know from my own lenses, so...it's me. I'm talking about myself, not her. Knowing and owning my own weaknesses has been frightening most of my life.
Anyway, I was pushing my mom away by ignoring her. She's been no help in growing up. So, more reason to steer clear. Also, a strong current of resentment has been the anchor for my stance. Why couldn't my own mom help with dealing with real life? I'm ANGRY she hides. I'm hurt and feel alone in the growing up process. GDammit, she's NO help! This pisses me off!!
_________________________________________________________
I've spent my life trying to bury that rage, that unexpressed truth...the reality I've not wanted to know. Not know at all. "I don't want to know" has come out of me more lately, and this shows when s*** is hitting the fan emotionally. I've hidden from those feelings and facts as a lifestyle, even while in 12 step meetings (my social norm for many years).
And DMSI is not some bad thing; it's not about that. I have had little to no guidance on growing up and separating from Mom. I've actually held on to the tether keeping me tied to her, hoping (insanely) that she'd fill that guidance role some day, that she'd be more mature some day. DMSI DID pull up feelings of emotional strength, that which is foreign to me. It said strongly "why DO I need her guidance? She's not changing" (Tears came with that statement, for I've done....what she's taught me. I've followed in her footsteps of not changing.) I'd just like some understanding and experience doing the "OPPOSITE". My mom never grew up herself. And...like me...she's not wanted to feel all alone being there. My experience is........it's a living hell. Noone except the most sick and manipulative live there. It became victims and perpetrators living off of each other.....a living hell.
I'm seeking outside help and perspectives, here in this forum. I got on DMSI for its healing properties........but I'm sure I am not the only one challenged by the message to "grow up". E2 is comfortable most days. I can hold up resistance to it and not have my world shaken, but DMSI is scary since it fights back (my understanding is it's not mild when a message needs to be heard).
I'm not even sure how alone (or not) I am.
My understanding last week was I'd get back on E2 to save my relationships. DMSI, with mixed feelings, said "HELL NO!!" to emotional stupidity. My mom doesn't want to grow.........damn......I'm seeing me as much as I'm seeing her. I've fought growing myself since it meant taking care of everyone else and NOT ME. My reaction, even now, is isolation. I'm using E2 since it allows and trains one to live in a self-healing way. With E2 (past and present) I've both given and received once I finally began to believe I had value.
I've contacted (texted only) my mom, but said I wasn't ready to talk. A mixture of anger and fear surfaces when thinking of speaking to her; lies are my norm, or silence.
Am I making the best decisions?
Am I focusing on her so I'm not focusing on me? (oh no....this may be true)
Am I avoiding change?
Would more DMSI help? Would a different rotation help?
On that last sentence, I'll share I actually LIKED being on A. It didn't blow up relationships or emotional hide-outs; it just scraped off BS in my life, similar to UD's effects. I found it gentler and desirable to be on.
Thanks for reading this. I spit up, but I was honest, meaning scared of changing, and scared of staying the same. Done. (No, really)
I want to be FREE!
