05-26-2018, 08:35 PM
Thank you very much Wharrgarbl. Those were very kind words.
I'm torn on writing now, but your words inspire me. I just have to put it out there now.
I'd done 2 loops the last 2 days, and I think it may be affecting me negatively. I've been quieter at work, I've not been feeling stuff like I usually do, and being honest, I see myself running from interactions when it's all small talk. A major part of my motivation to listen to my coworker's life yesterday was "he is not pretending at ALL". There was no ability on his part to put up a front. I wasn't required to discern the truth, and this made listening very easy for me.
In short, I'm seeing and feeling a major LACK of desire to make room for BS and small-talk. Even pretending to accept it feels like it's sucking the life out of me.
An example happened today at work. Habitually I've worked with one very lively guy, and I've often boosted my ego by being his "yes man". My focus was often "I don't want to be abandoned". I'm feeling uncomfortable now when trying to be a yes-man again. Part of me is stubbornly resisting to do so. So, feeling unsure and fearful around men (from changing my norm) makes me go silent. I did this today. This evening I also saw my 2 guy friends, we played our game, and I was more withdrawn than usual. But one still promotes a lot of his own BS, and he consistently avoids seeing what it does to his relationships. I, myself, became silently irritated and began tuning him out. Lies, which they are, just drain me.
Being quiet also allows me to hear and feel my own thoughts, not anyone else's. Maybe I'm uncomfortable since.....wow, just saw this.......my old survival mask was me lying to me. When I've seen it in others lately, I get annoyed, and I usually turn quiet. I shut my mouth so I don't encourage more of it.
I see and feel I'm resisting something. I'm tired now, so I'm not figuring it out at this moment.
I'm torn on writing now, but your words inspire me. I just have to put it out there now.
I'd done 2 loops the last 2 days, and I think it may be affecting me negatively. I've been quieter at work, I've not been feeling stuff like I usually do, and being honest, I see myself running from interactions when it's all small talk. A major part of my motivation to listen to my coworker's life yesterday was "he is not pretending at ALL". There was no ability on his part to put up a front. I wasn't required to discern the truth, and this made listening very easy for me.
In short, I'm seeing and feeling a major LACK of desire to make room for BS and small-talk. Even pretending to accept it feels like it's sucking the life out of me.
An example happened today at work. Habitually I've worked with one very lively guy, and I've often boosted my ego by being his "yes man". My focus was often "I don't want to be abandoned". I'm feeling uncomfortable now when trying to be a yes-man again. Part of me is stubbornly resisting to do so. So, feeling unsure and fearful around men (from changing my norm) makes me go silent. I did this today. This evening I also saw my 2 guy friends, we played our game, and I was more withdrawn than usual. But one still promotes a lot of his own BS, and he consistently avoids seeing what it does to his relationships. I, myself, became silently irritated and began tuning him out. Lies, which they are, just drain me.
Being quiet also allows me to hear and feel my own thoughts, not anyone else's. Maybe I'm uncomfortable since.....wow, just saw this.......my old survival mask was me lying to me. When I've seen it in others lately, I get annoyed, and I usually turn quiet. I shut my mouth so I don't encourage more of it.
I see and feel I'm resisting something. I'm tired now, so I'm not figuring it out at this moment.
I want to be FREE!
