Ok, I went for a walk in my neighborhood. I went since it was quiet and still sprinkling lightly.
First off, and I feel nervous about sharing, but it's been tied up in my brain: I turned the corner, and some landscaper guy was trimming the lawn. I felt nervous around him, and it began in me when I saw him. I felt tense, unsure why, even wondering "am I gay or something? Is that what I'm terrified of?" I continued on, wondering "am I?" It wasn't comfortable for me at all. I've never had sexual attractions towards men, but "A" seems to be working on something.
Well, 30 seconds later--literally--2 cars are backing out of a driveway. I saw the first, likely the mom, and she waved at me, and I waved back! No idea who she is. The second car had 2 teenage girls, way too young. But I felt my sexual attraction rise up. I could feel it. I was attracted to girls. Whew............
With this though, my tension broke, and I immediately began crying hard, while I was walking. Maybe a minute or so. Clearing tears.
Turned the block again. 2 more landscapers out. I felt tense again, but they were 200 feet away. My thoughts quickly figured this out: I've thought I should give in to men if they wanted to abuse me. I did this with my brother when young to receive his love--and he raped me. I had really believed this :-(
I kept going, knowing now why I lock up sometimes around some men. I see my head boss tomorrow. I emotionally freeze when he's around. He's like dynamite with a smoking wick every day. A miserable abuser. I hope I tell him to f*** off. Maybe. No plans. Just sick of being abused, and he's the only male in my life I tolerate it from. Really GD tired of it.
Moving on, I had a strange (for me) desire creep up in me when I saw this middle-aged blond woman outside reading on her porch. It was pure sexual desire. I barely looked at her once I got near, but my mind began planning/seeing me walking up to her to acknowledge the sexual tension I felt. But nothing happened. It was all imagined. I've just never planned something like that so quickly. It was a first.
I'll be starting on B tonight, and I'm wondering--TID? I noticed a LOT on that walk.
First off, and I feel nervous about sharing, but it's been tied up in my brain: I turned the corner, and some landscaper guy was trimming the lawn. I felt nervous around him, and it began in me when I saw him. I felt tense, unsure why, even wondering "am I gay or something? Is that what I'm terrified of?" I continued on, wondering "am I?" It wasn't comfortable for me at all. I've never had sexual attractions towards men, but "A" seems to be working on something.
Well, 30 seconds later--literally--2 cars are backing out of a driveway. I saw the first, likely the mom, and she waved at me, and I waved back! No idea who she is. The second car had 2 teenage girls, way too young. But I felt my sexual attraction rise up. I could feel it. I was attracted to girls. Whew............
With this though, my tension broke, and I immediately began crying hard, while I was walking. Maybe a minute or so. Clearing tears.
Turned the block again. 2 more landscapers out. I felt tense again, but they were 200 feet away. My thoughts quickly figured this out: I've thought I should give in to men if they wanted to abuse me. I did this with my brother when young to receive his love--and he raped me. I had really believed this :-(
I kept going, knowing now why I lock up sometimes around some men. I see my head boss tomorrow. I emotionally freeze when he's around. He's like dynamite with a smoking wick every day. A miserable abuser. I hope I tell him to f*** off. Maybe. No plans. Just sick of being abused, and he's the only male in my life I tolerate it from. Really GD tired of it.
Moving on, I had a strange (for me) desire creep up in me when I saw this middle-aged blond woman outside reading on her porch. It was pure sexual desire. I barely looked at her once I got near, but my mind began planning/seeing me walking up to her to acknowledge the sexual tension I felt. But nothing happened. It was all imagined. I've just never planned something like that so quickly. It was a first.
I'll be starting on B tonight, and I'm wondering--TID? I noticed a LOT on that walk.
I want to be FREE!
