I had a sudden change of plans, and I went with it. One of the guys I meet on Saturday nights texted me while I was showering. He said his FIL is in hospice, so he's staying to be alongside his wife.
Before this, I'd considered doing some EMDR here at home. But I realized I could do it after. I stayed home, doing some EMDR. And I'm glad I have this.
The first things I noticed was my bed I'm lying on, as I've had bodily fears when lying down in years past. And some old thoughts (months or years back) began showing up, harmlessly. I'm running the software, and my normal defenses/denials began falling away, like in minutes. I had flashes of feeling young and feeling I could love myself.
I stayed running it knowing some painful things hide, and some old beliefs had. I imagined my brother shaming me for seeking to heal, him saying I didn't deserve this. This is key here, for since I was a normal suck-up, he was my main authority figure growing up. His words meant the most to me. I kept going with the EMDR.
Now, In the preparation, the guide asks what you wish to focus on. I'd began without any prepping (to not sabotage success), but I did a session worksheet after on my laptop here. I focused on my brother shaming and scaring me. One starts with a stress scale from 1-10, and it was a 7 when I wrote it. It's maybe a 3 now.
And doing EMDR is not stress-free. I've hidden from truth and change for years, and my sudden tears while doing it (normal for me) are me facing my resistance. Grief is me letting go what I've held to tightly.
Edit: In fact, I noticed I was crying MUCH louder than I normally do, like I normally feel shame when crying. My noise almost scared me since I have neighbors in adjacent rooms. And I RARELY make noise when crying. Change is happening.
I will do some more.
Before this, I'd considered doing some EMDR here at home. But I realized I could do it after. I stayed home, doing some EMDR. And I'm glad I have this.
The first things I noticed was my bed I'm lying on, as I've had bodily fears when lying down in years past. And some old thoughts (months or years back) began showing up, harmlessly. I'm running the software, and my normal defenses/denials began falling away, like in minutes. I had flashes of feeling young and feeling I could love myself.
I stayed running it knowing some painful things hide, and some old beliefs had. I imagined my brother shaming me for seeking to heal, him saying I didn't deserve this. This is key here, for since I was a normal suck-up, he was my main authority figure growing up. His words meant the most to me. I kept going with the EMDR.
Now, In the preparation, the guide asks what you wish to focus on. I'd began without any prepping (to not sabotage success), but I did a session worksheet after on my laptop here. I focused on my brother shaming and scaring me. One starts with a stress scale from 1-10, and it was a 7 when I wrote it. It's maybe a 3 now.
And doing EMDR is not stress-free. I've hidden from truth and change for years, and my sudden tears while doing it (normal for me) are me facing my resistance. Grief is me letting go what I've held to tightly.
Edit: In fact, I noticed I was crying MUCH louder than I normally do, like I normally feel shame when crying. My noise almost scared me since I have neighbors in adjacent rooms. And I RARELY make noise when crying. Change is happening.
I will do some more.
I want to be FREE!
