05-03-2018, 04:03 PM
Regarding DMSI doing a "ton of other things", I had an encounter last night while walking into a dollar store.
I've known this woman for decades now (from 12 step meetings I'd see her in), so this--for me--was a first. I saw her, she noticed me, and she approached me. I called her by name, though she didn't seem to remember mine. What I realized was I usually don't stay talking with people I haven't shared much with.
But I stayed talking with her for 20 minutes (just outside the store's entrance), and I finally made the suggestion that we go inside to shop. I was tired, having driven there right from work. She prompted a lot of our conversation: money, taking care of ourselves, etc. I'm not attracted to her in any way really, but she was sweet. And lonely. So I stayed and talked. It was innocent. She did say "you look like you're taking care of yourself" about 15 minutes in. Had I been attracted, I might of shot it back to her. I wasn't thinking like that. Damn............ I was relating almost like I do with my mom---wish it weren't true. But I was following her lead to stay present in the conversation.
I've just never had any experience like that--for I wished to be PRESENT. I was.
And today--another DMSI realization. Maybe it was TID since I'm not on DMSI yet (starting 5/11/18), but I realized I'm often held back by fear in discussions with men. I was riding with my coworker, we were exchanging thoughts and ideas about different topics, and I had a realization that "if this wall of fear dropped, I might share my OWN thoughts". For I mostly just react to guy's (or gal's) statements.
Maybe it's the Anxiety Relief that's in it. I own ARA, ran it a few nights 2 months back, and my mind was OPEN most of the following days immediately after. Without fear, I'll say my thoughts around other people. Most imagined stress is from thinking I'll say what I really don't want to. And I think me saying FUBAR stuff is all self sabotage. Me throwing in dynamite makes "it" the immediate focus, not me--so it keeps me "safe". I've done it enough times to just keep my mouth shut.
I look forward to DMSI, for many reasons. For being honest with myself, and being honest with....everyone else. There will be lots of "firsts".
I've known this woman for decades now (from 12 step meetings I'd see her in), so this--for me--was a first. I saw her, she noticed me, and she approached me. I called her by name, though she didn't seem to remember mine. What I realized was I usually don't stay talking with people I haven't shared much with.
But I stayed talking with her for 20 minutes (just outside the store's entrance), and I finally made the suggestion that we go inside to shop. I was tired, having driven there right from work. She prompted a lot of our conversation: money, taking care of ourselves, etc. I'm not attracted to her in any way really, but she was sweet. And lonely. So I stayed and talked. It was innocent. She did say "you look like you're taking care of yourself" about 15 minutes in. Had I been attracted, I might of shot it back to her. I wasn't thinking like that. Damn............ I was relating almost like I do with my mom---wish it weren't true. But I was following her lead to stay present in the conversation.
I've just never had any experience like that--for I wished to be PRESENT. I was.
And today--another DMSI realization. Maybe it was TID since I'm not on DMSI yet (starting 5/11/18), but I realized I'm often held back by fear in discussions with men. I was riding with my coworker, we were exchanging thoughts and ideas about different topics, and I had a realization that "if this wall of fear dropped, I might share my OWN thoughts". For I mostly just react to guy's (or gal's) statements.
Maybe it's the Anxiety Relief that's in it. I own ARA, ran it a few nights 2 months back, and my mind was OPEN most of the following days immediately after. Without fear, I'll say my thoughts around other people. Most imagined stress is from thinking I'll say what I really don't want to. And I think me saying FUBAR stuff is all self sabotage. Me throwing in dynamite makes "it" the immediate focus, not me--so it keeps me "safe". I've done it enough times to just keep my mouth shut.
I look forward to DMSI, for many reasons. For being honest with myself, and being honest with....everyone else. There will be lots of "firsts".
I want to be FREE!
