05-01-2018, 04:20 PM
I will share this. I was afraid to post it, so I PM'd another member about it today. But I'm writing it to keep a good record of my doubts and concerns before starting DMSI.
In short, my main boss walked up to me today and told me he'd be posting a position that he'd like me to apply for. He said he'd tell me when he did. I had been imagining the prior 24 hours him offering me one position which 2 others have had very bad experience with, since this same manager oversees it. He's very, very controlling, NY style. "No fussing, just do the job!" His proposal was for a position not under his direct management, and I didn't react since..... he's not usually nice.
Maybe it's self sabotage on my part, but I seriously gave MYSELF the runaround emotionally.
Could I do this confidently?
Was I just scared he'd reject me if I said no?
Was I being honest to myself?
Would I hide or escape since his "power" scares me?
Would I have integrity and not play revenge games--to gain some sense of control (passive aggressiveness)?
Would I be a total weasel, acting like a small child around him?
Would I ever say "no" to him?
Self doubt, self doubt, and more self doubt. Uggghhhh....
During this mindgame I had with myself, I became drawn back towards running AM6. It focuses on personal responsiblity, keeping my word, etc.
While DMSI (in my scared thoughts) was all about getting laid.
I imagined AM6 as the mature thing to do. DMSI I related to the immaturity I saw in myself (Screw it all! I'll get LAID!!!)
Partway through the day, though seriously wanting validation on my integrity, I remembered: men often go long periods without deep healing on AM6. It requires multiple 6 month runs.
Damn. I decided to check a user's journals who's done both AM and now DMSI 3.2. When I got home, I found he'd asked the very same questions. But.......... men had come on saying they'd gotten some very quick healing of old stuff on DMSI (3.1).
I still crave validation of myself, I'm running E2 here while writing, and due to the healing, I'm going to go with DMSI.
I really need to feel ok with myself right now. Maybe......E2 is digging something up (??). I do need validation--and E2 has specific modules focused on this. I need this.
In short, my main boss walked up to me today and told me he'd be posting a position that he'd like me to apply for. He said he'd tell me when he did. I had been imagining the prior 24 hours him offering me one position which 2 others have had very bad experience with, since this same manager oversees it. He's very, very controlling, NY style. "No fussing, just do the job!" His proposal was for a position not under his direct management, and I didn't react since..... he's not usually nice.
Maybe it's self sabotage on my part, but I seriously gave MYSELF the runaround emotionally.
Could I do this confidently?
Was I just scared he'd reject me if I said no?
Was I being honest to myself?
Would I hide or escape since his "power" scares me?
Would I have integrity and not play revenge games--to gain some sense of control (passive aggressiveness)?
Would I be a total weasel, acting like a small child around him?
Would I ever say "no" to him?
Self doubt, self doubt, and more self doubt. Uggghhhh....
During this mindgame I had with myself, I became drawn back towards running AM6. It focuses on personal responsiblity, keeping my word, etc.
While DMSI (in my scared thoughts) was all about getting laid.
I imagined AM6 as the mature thing to do. DMSI I related to the immaturity I saw in myself (Screw it all! I'll get LAID!!!)
Partway through the day, though seriously wanting validation on my integrity, I remembered: men often go long periods without deep healing on AM6. It requires multiple 6 month runs.
Damn. I decided to check a user's journals who's done both AM and now DMSI 3.2. When I got home, I found he'd asked the very same questions. But.......... men had come on saying they'd gotten some very quick healing of old stuff on DMSI (3.1).
I still crave validation of myself, I'm running E2 here while writing, and due to the healing, I'm going to go with DMSI.
I really need to feel ok with myself right now. Maybe......E2 is digging something up (??). I do need validation--and E2 has specific modules focused on this. I need this.
I want to be FREE!
