04-28-2018, 07:02 PM
I'm unsure how much I'm actually looking for girl's attention, but I had a few moments today seeing women while shopping which really stick with me.
For one, eye contact is something I rarely hold with women. I was in WalMart today, and I quickly caught the eye of a beautiful girl in her 20's in the checkout line. I held the stare for about 3 seconds, looking right into her. I was walking quickly already, I saw she was with a guy I assumed was her boyfriend, I looked back at her, but held the stare only a second longer.
I was the one who looked away, and I'll share why. She--she was beautiful. No question there. It was her boyfriend which made me turn away. I was eyeing her sexually and wished to communicate that by my look. Her boyfriend, a tall, linky dude, seemed very socially awkward (which I understand)--but our eyes never met. Something connected inside me quickly to not disgrace/disrespect him, and this is why I turned away.
I think some of the guys I work with are affecting me morally. Yes, they are. Sure, some are untrustworthy, and every business has them. But one guy, a guy with 3 prison sentences under his belt, has a very high standard for how to respect himself and others. And no, it's not Rule 4 stuff either. He's a guy who if he says he'll do something, he will. His integrity is enviable (by me), and I cherish the times I get to work with him. He doesn't act to impress people, and that impresses me more. I see him as a model for being a decent, honorable man. And wishing to honor the linky dude is why I turned away.......for she was hot. I did know I'd stopped my gaze, and I felt ok with myself on the bro side of things after that. E2 must be doing something in me I'm not seeing. I am feeling things though.
I also went back to Walmart tonight to get some stuff I knew I'd need this week. While at the self-checkout, I rung up some carb cleaner, which prompted over a young cashier since it has stuff in it people use to make drugs--seriously. The cashier was NOT a hottie, but she held a conversation with me for almost 5 minutes about drugs being made these days--and I only picked up 4 items. I shared how one of my friends is in Narcotics Anonymous and shared a quick story, and she quickly opened up saying she'd been addicted to pain meds for many years and was 4 years clean. She was like "I don't even know you but..." It was honoring that she was so honest. It was very brave of her. Very brave.
These were good experiences for today. My mind has been "on the lookout" for pretty girls, and the experience earlier today helps me be more at peace with myself. This is something I will definitely hold on to.
For one, eye contact is something I rarely hold with women. I was in WalMart today, and I quickly caught the eye of a beautiful girl in her 20's in the checkout line. I held the stare for about 3 seconds, looking right into her. I was walking quickly already, I saw she was with a guy I assumed was her boyfriend, I looked back at her, but held the stare only a second longer.
I was the one who looked away, and I'll share why. She--she was beautiful. No question there. It was her boyfriend which made me turn away. I was eyeing her sexually and wished to communicate that by my look. Her boyfriend, a tall, linky dude, seemed very socially awkward (which I understand)--but our eyes never met. Something connected inside me quickly to not disgrace/disrespect him, and this is why I turned away.
I think some of the guys I work with are affecting me morally. Yes, they are. Sure, some are untrustworthy, and every business has them. But one guy, a guy with 3 prison sentences under his belt, has a very high standard for how to respect himself and others. And no, it's not Rule 4 stuff either. He's a guy who if he says he'll do something, he will. His integrity is enviable (by me), and I cherish the times I get to work with him. He doesn't act to impress people, and that impresses me more. I see him as a model for being a decent, honorable man. And wishing to honor the linky dude is why I turned away.......for she was hot. I did know I'd stopped my gaze, and I felt ok with myself on the bro side of things after that. E2 must be doing something in me I'm not seeing. I am feeling things though.
I also went back to Walmart tonight to get some stuff I knew I'd need this week. While at the self-checkout, I rung up some carb cleaner, which prompted over a young cashier since it has stuff in it people use to make drugs--seriously. The cashier was NOT a hottie, but she held a conversation with me for almost 5 minutes about drugs being made these days--and I only picked up 4 items. I shared how one of my friends is in Narcotics Anonymous and shared a quick story, and she quickly opened up saying she'd been addicted to pain meds for many years and was 4 years clean. She was like "I don't even know you but..." It was honoring that she was so honest. It was very brave of her. Very brave.
These were good experiences for today. My mind has been "on the lookout" for pretty girls, and the experience earlier today helps me be more at peace with myself. This is something I will definitely hold on to.
I want to be FREE!
