I look forward to that mindset Zane. In fact, I was thinking of it on my ride home (I'd read your post while at work). Something I'd not admitted here was I've been on E2 this last week. I'd done it to ready myself for more intense clearings on DMSI, and the mindset on E2 is very...well, it's more like seeking to fix what's broken. I'd written about emotional junk with my brother--and E2 brought that up. And I'm healing/digging stuff up, for sure.
And I realized something today. It all made sense since I've been reading DMSI user's journals, and I got something today. Matt422 made a comment of how he'd had expectations of how his DMSI run should go, how he should feel, and he realized........he was getting in his own way. I could relate since I've been on E2 again, have done 3 or 4 runs in the last year BUT I used to have a set of expectations: "just this much fear, this much anger, some sadness (and ONLY when convenient), and shame........ugh". Something like that. Since I'd spent years in 12 step rooms, I'd done the exact same thing there: "so much of this, so much of that, and if it becomes too much...HIDE!"
I realized I'm not holding on to any big emotional fortress like I was on my first run. I'm not really thinking about E2. I've been thinking about DMSI, so the brother feelings came up, others have come up, and changes are being felt. In fact, yesterday while on the back of our truck doing pickups, I was in a bad mood. I was projecting my brother onto my coworker in my head, and I was miserable. And around 2:30, while going through a neighborhood, a 2 foot tall little girl was standing underneath a tree, and she excitedly waved at me. Since she was so happy and excited to see me, I quickly waved back. Her parents were right there, we kept moving, but I even turned around and waved again at her and her 3 foot tall sister. I began crying seconds after this happened. I'm a 40 something adult male riding on the back of a garbage truck, and I started crying. Something is healing in me. I used to love playing with my daughter when she was young; it made me miss my childhood. And that was the high of my day. It was a release--having been so angry, hurt, and sad thinking on my brother.
This awareness of letting DMSI do its thing (without my controlling everything) is actually a gift.
I have some fears as I wrote that......but I am listening to E2 right now. I'll not project on the future.
And I realized something today. It all made sense since I've been reading DMSI user's journals, and I got something today. Matt422 made a comment of how he'd had expectations of how his DMSI run should go, how he should feel, and he realized........he was getting in his own way. I could relate since I've been on E2 again, have done 3 or 4 runs in the last year BUT I used to have a set of expectations: "just this much fear, this much anger, some sadness (and ONLY when convenient), and shame........ugh". Something like that. Since I'd spent years in 12 step rooms, I'd done the exact same thing there: "so much of this, so much of that, and if it becomes too much...HIDE!"
I realized I'm not holding on to any big emotional fortress like I was on my first run. I'm not really thinking about E2. I've been thinking about DMSI, so the brother feelings came up, others have come up, and changes are being felt. In fact, yesterday while on the back of our truck doing pickups, I was in a bad mood. I was projecting my brother onto my coworker in my head, and I was miserable. And around 2:30, while going through a neighborhood, a 2 foot tall little girl was standing underneath a tree, and she excitedly waved at me. Since she was so happy and excited to see me, I quickly waved back. Her parents were right there, we kept moving, but I even turned around and waved again at her and her 3 foot tall sister. I began crying seconds after this happened. I'm a 40 something adult male riding on the back of a garbage truck, and I started crying. Something is healing in me. I used to love playing with my daughter when she was young; it made me miss my childhood. And that was the high of my day. It was a release--having been so angry, hurt, and sad thinking on my brother.
This awareness of letting DMSI do its thing (without my controlling everything) is actually a gift.
I have some fears as I wrote that......but I am listening to E2 right now. I'll not project on the future.
I want to be FREE!
