DMSI 3.2A and B: Time for Change

[findingme]

I've not bought DMSI yet. I will in 2 weeks and begin the "A" side to allow me time off Universal Detox. I'm writing now since I'm noticing things happening; it's strange, but real: TID. TID is having sub related stuff happen, like an aura, even though I'm not using the sub yet.

I was in a store after work Friday night, and one girl was ringing up my stuff. I then noticed this other cashier next to her, a cute blond with a nice butt. I looked for eye contact, but she never gave it. However, I noticed her smiling. She was squirming her legs, and this caught my attention. She was acting aroused, right there, and I still looked for eye contact to confirm. She never looked my way. The cashier servicing me finished up, and I left. It stuck in my head.

I then went to another store, was serviced by another hot cashier, me wondering "what else could happen with this?". She had on way too much makeup (it screamed "needy" to me), so I avoided eye contact with her after my initial hello. It was her curt "bye" when I finished that makes me report it. I know I'll have to deal with rejecting some giving me attention, and I thought of that in there.

I recently asked if anyone else had similar experiences with TID, and Shannon responded to me.

I did. For 7 weeks before deciding not to do DMSI 3.2 at the last minute. I experienced it as a result of solidly being in the downstream of the probability line in which I did use it, until just a day or so before I could have used it. That was rather eye-opening. Especially since my girlfriend was the one who was pointing it out to me in the beginning, and she didn't even know TID was a thing.

I also had it before actually doing 3.1.

I'll report anything which happens to me before I start DMSI. DMSI will be a game changer.

[findingme]

Me: I'm mid 40's, in decent shape physically, divorced 2014, and I've not dated anyone since that time.

I just took a walk in my neighborhood after staying inside all day. I remembered really liking walking 10-20 years ago, for it fed me and balanced me mentally most times.

I'm sharing since I felt something real while walking. I've lived in this community about 15 years, as me and my ex-wife's old house is a quarter mile away. She lives in Kentucky now, but my present housing was a real gift being so close to still see my daughter, who's 13 now.

On that note, I broke every man role there was when seeing my ex, as I just did not know. I'd give her full body rubdowns with oil and everything, I'd be all aroused, but we never had sex after our 3 year separation. I honestly, though weakly, expected her to initiate sex. I'm reading John Alexander's "How To Become an Alpha Male", and I had no idea. No idea at all. I know now, and I will decide better next time. I'm embarrassed to admit that. This is what happened. It's my history.

Which brings me closer to sharing what I actually knew while walking. I had this "little boy" identity during our last years of marriage, pre-separation. I walked by a woman's house we knew, a peer. I remember her hitting on me one day while she and I were alone outside. She inserted the "MILF" word, I realized where she was going...........but no. She has a frame and personality similar to my ex's, and I realized (while walking today) that I already had one woman angry with me non-stop. Why would I want 2? I realized I felt hostage to the f***ed up relationship I was in, and out of submissiveness to that, I declined the woman's offer.

And I began my last paragraph saying I had a "little boy" identity. I held to that. That used to be my place of safety, no responsibility, and peace (since I took as little responsibility as possible in my marriage). I'd been raised by a controlling woman, and I expected my wife to do just the same. F***ed up for adult males. That's why me hiding in immaturity was ....... (ugg) safer.

I have no idea how many tendrils that has hooked on to me. I was looking at AM for a number of months, and for personal, professional, and sexual reasons, I began digging into it--me thinking "only some guys do AM, those who are worthy". No s***. I thought I'd just have to play a part.

But upon reading AM experiences, some ideas and beliefs changed. I decided I would buy and use AM to help me to, essentially, grow up. Those "how to be a male" instructions were never received by me.

But I'm starting DMSI. ????? I asked Shannon if I should go on to DMSI or AM a year ago, and he advised DMSI. I was scared, terrified really, for I was still heavily in that "little boy" mentality. I hung on tightly.
I'm starting DMSI due to the advanced clearing and healing tech in it. I've done E2, UD, SE, and now LTU, and I've still got shit under my hood. UD opened my eyes the very most, as on it I realized I was "hanging on" to old shit, for decades. I wish this wasn't true, but I'm not living much differently than my mom living 15 miles away. She has no friends, only calls family, and nurses her life's conditions with alcohol. I'm younger, but I don't call people, hang out with 2 guys who ...... like being stuck too, hide with porn, fapping, and caffeine, so I'm living this pattern myself. I'm doing (what I've seen done).

So, me hanging on to old stuff is what my life's been about. Survival. Hiding misery from others. Hating on myself when taking time to be aware of it.

I just remembered something else. While walking, I had a peace and sense of responsibility. I realize NOW that's why I enjoy going to work. If I'm home alone, like I've been today, I can s*** all over myself. Like Shannon's signature says, failure is the easiest way. Not cleaning my place, eating like s***, and ignoring "life" and relationships makes me truly enjoy going to work somedays. Excuses to hide aren't allowed there, and I feel GOOD when helping myself and others on the job.

Anti-procrastination, self care (diet improvements), and extrovert training are in DMSI (I think), as people have reported this, so DMSI is looking attractive. DMSI offers some hope for improvement for many parts of life.

That's why I'm starting on DMSI. I've still got 2 weeks before beginning it.

[Voytek]

They say the best you can say to a woman is "No!".

Thank you for sharing your story, I can't wait to hear more from you, mate. Good luck!

[findingme]

Thanks man. I'm glad I found out about IML last year, for I'd not be here if I hadn't. :-)

[findingme]

This may not relate to DMSI, but AM, were I on it. I've not used either yet.

I was clocking out of work, and 3 guys from a department I'd worked with these last 2 years were talking. One of them I'd seen at one of our stops last Monday (7 days ago), and I'd not thought of it.

Well, the driver I'd seen last Monday, who's from the Dominican Republic, came over to me talking fast (poor English), and he insisted I knew what he began ranting about. He was saying I should have done something differently last Monday--but I have no idea what. He'd held a grudge for 7 days without saying anything to me.

I was tired. It felt similar to a drunk guy coming up believing I read minds, so he ranted thinking I understood why. I didn't. He wanted to rant. I wanted peace, so I just smiled at him, hoping he'd get my IDGAF attitude.

This bothered me AFTER it went down only since another worker had come in the room, witnessed it, and remarked about it after the guy left.

I asked "what would you have done?"

He said "I'd have ARGUED with him! Noone would talk to me like that!"

I said I was tired, and I was waiting for him to shut up.

He replied, sensing it, "you really didn't GAF".

I didn't. Not then.

I appreciated his honesty. I left to go home. The last guy's remark DID make sense, and my anger grew on the drive home. I'd treated the ranting guy like I wanted him to be my friend. I let him beat me up in 30 seconds of ranting while I wished (connecting to my childhood now) to "make sure he still loved me". That's why I was "nice". I was afraid he'd leave me and not "love me".

I know a major hurt I've carried for decades involves my one brother leaving me/abandoning me while we were teens. He was the only one I leaned on, and he left. He moved in with a worker's family never to return home. My mom was the only one home with me after he left, and we never spoke about this. Never.

I'm not sure if DMSI will or will not use this is as a healing focus. I thought I'd share it since I'm kind of expecting more to come up. I've had more sensitivity to this in recent weeks.

[Zane]

I had this thinking.. "To me it was as if I wanted people to not leave me or hate me. Infact I thought if I stay suppressed then they will become my friend".. This has now gone.. Well almost. Havnt tested it yet.. But I don't feel like I need to make everyone happy.. Fuck them!

[findingme]

I look forward to that mindset Zane. In fact, I was thinking of it on my ride home (I'd read your post while at work). Something I'd not admitted here was I've been on E2 this last week. I'd done it to ready myself for more intense clearings on DMSI, and the mindset on E2 is very...well, it's more like seeking to fix what's broken. I'd written about emotional junk with my brother--and E2 brought that up. And I'm healing/digging stuff up, for sure.

And I realized something today. It all made sense since I've been reading DMSI user's journals, and I got something today. Matt422 made a comment of how he'd had expectations of how his DMSI run should go, how he should feel, and he realized........he was getting in his own way. I could relate since I've been on E2 again, have done 3 or 4 runs in the last year BUT I used to have a set of expectations: "just this much fear, this much anger, some sadness (and ONLY when convenient), and shame........ugh". Something like that. Since I'd spent years in 12 step rooms, I'd done the exact same thing there: "so much of this, so much of that, and if it becomes too much...HIDE!"

I realized I'm not holding on to any big emotional fortress like I was on my first run. I'm not really thinking about E2. I've been thinking about DMSI, so the brother feelings came up, others have come up, and changes are being felt. In fact, yesterday while on the back of our truck doing pickups, I was in a bad mood. I was projecting my brother onto my coworker in my head, and I was miserable. And around 2:30, while going through a neighborhood, a 2 foot tall little girl was standing underneath a tree, and she excitedly waved at me. Since she was so happy and excited to see me, I quickly waved back. Her parents were right there, we kept moving, but I even turned around and waved again at her and her 3 foot tall sister. I began crying seconds after this happened. I'm a 40 something adult male riding on the back of a garbage truck, and I started crying. Something is healing in me. I used to love playing with my daughter when she was young; it made me miss my childhood. And that was the high of my day. It was a release--having been so angry, hurt, and sad thinking on my brother.

This awareness of letting DMSI do its thing (without my controlling everything) is actually a gift.

I have some fears as I wrote that......but I am listening to E2 right now. I'll not project on the future.

[findingme]

DMSI update: I'd planned on starting DMSI next Friday, but the boss cancelled our normal Saturday work shift due to some mishap. That would have been the extra I needed to pick up DMSI next week. I'll have to start in 2 weeks since I have some bills due this coming week. I'll also note it in my title when I start.

ION: While waking up this morning, still dreamy, I remembered a guy in my 12-step rooms about 5 years back. I respected this guy so much that I felt awkward hugging his very innocent and trusting girlfriend. I resumed E2 last night after seeing it'd be another week for DMSI, and I realized I'd blocked him out of my mind, like so many others.

I've known this, and forgot it. I do this . . . whenever I feel very overwhelmed. Whenever I fear getting hurt or hurting others. We used to talk on the phone in the mornings when it was relaxed. He never scared me directly or even accidentally. He is 10-15 years my senior, so I felt safe talking to him. A note here is he wasn't one who went deep into himself seeking answers to problems. He looked at real life, and he learned constantly.

I blocked him out since while feeling safe around him, my walls began dropping. I'd feel young, like 13 or so. I remember trying to control my feelings and memories since so many pointed back....to my brother leaving me at that age. Self blame was all I had, I knew its pain, so I accepted it without questioning. It felt familiar. Predictable. Known. But painful as all heck. So much that I wanted to retaliate (fight back) on innocent or unknowing people. All this pain was pointed at me, but since my vision was on getting it out of ME, I greatly feared hurting him or his innocent girlfriend. I wanted their simple life, simple outlook, and determination to overcome the daily struggles together as a willing couple (I was separated from my wife at the time). I ousted myself from the relationship since I thought my thoughts and emotions were bad. The safe thing to do (I thought) was run away. I felt shame imagining that, greatly so. But the imagined pain of hurting them was greater.........so I retreated. I've done that my whole life. Well, as much as I've held my pain inside.....absolutely.

Wow.

[findingme]

I'm unsure how much I'm actually looking for girl's attention, but I had a few moments today seeing women while shopping which really stick with me.

For one, eye contact is something I rarely hold with women. I was in WalMart today, and I quickly caught the eye of a beautiful girl in her 20's in the checkout line. I held the stare for about 3 seconds, looking right into her. I was walking quickly already, I saw she was with a guy I assumed was her boyfriend, I looked back at her, but held the stare only a second longer.

I was the one who looked away, and I'll share why. She--she was beautiful. No question there. It was her boyfriend which made me turn away. I was eyeing her sexually and wished to communicate that by my look. Her boyfriend, a tall, linky dude, seemed very socially awkward (which I understand)--but our eyes never met. Something connected inside me quickly to not disgrace/disrespect him, and this is why I turned away.

I think some of the guys I work with are affecting me morally. Yes, they are. Sure, some are untrustworthy, and every business has them. But one guy, a guy with 3 prison sentences under his belt, has a very high standard for how to respect himself and others. And no, it's not Rule 4 stuff either. He's a guy who if he says he'll do something, he will. His integrity is enviable (by me), and I cherish the times I get to work with him. He doesn't act to impress people, and that impresses me more. I see him as a model for being a decent, honorable man. And wishing to honor the linky dude is why I turned away.......for she was hot. I did know I'd stopped my gaze, and I felt ok with myself on the bro side of things after that. E2 must be doing something in me I'm not seeing. I am feeling things though.

I also went back to Walmart tonight to get some stuff I knew I'd need this week. While at the self-checkout, I rung up some carb cleaner, which prompted over a young cashier since it has stuff in it people use to make drugs--seriously. The cashier was NOT a hottie, but she held a conversation with me for almost 5 minutes about drugs being made these days--and I only picked up 4 items. I shared how one of my friends is in Narcotics Anonymous and shared a quick story, and she quickly opened up saying she'd been addicted to pain meds for many years and was 4 years clean. She was like "I don't even know you but..." It was honoring that she was so honest. It was very brave of her. Very brave.

These were good experiences for today. My mind has been "on the lookout" for pretty girls, and the experience earlier today helps me be more at peace with myself. This is something I will definitely hold on to.

[findingme]

I will share this. I was afraid to post it, so I PM'd another member about it today. But I'm writing it to keep a good record of my doubts and concerns before starting DMSI.

In short, my main boss walked up to me today and told me he'd be posting a position that he'd like me to apply for. He said he'd tell me when he did. I had been imagining the prior 24 hours him offering me one position which 2 others have had very bad experience with, since this same manager oversees it. He's very, very controlling, NY style. "No fussing, just do the job!" His proposal was for a position not under his direct management, and I didn't react since..... he's not usually nice.

Maybe it's self sabotage on my part, but I seriously gave MYSELF the runaround emotionally.
Could I do this confidently?
Was I just scared he'd reject me if I said no?
Was I being honest to myself?
Would I hide or escape since his "power" scares me?
Would I have integrity and not play revenge games--to gain some sense of control (passive aggressiveness)?
Would I be a total weasel, acting like a small child around him?
Would I ever say "no" to him?

Self doubt, self doubt, and more self doubt. Uggghhhh....

During this mindgame I had with myself, I became drawn back towards running AM6. It focuses on personal responsiblity, keeping my word, etc.
While DMSI (in my scared thoughts) was all about getting laid.

I imagined AM6 as the mature thing to do. DMSI I related to the immaturity I saw in myself (Screw it all! I'll get LAID!!!)

Partway through the day, though seriously wanting validation on my integrity, I remembered: men often go long periods without deep healing on AM6. It requires multiple 6 month runs.

Damn. I decided to check a user's journals who's done both AM and now DMSI 3.2. When I got home, I found he'd asked the very same questions. But.......... men had come on saying they'd gotten some very quick healing of old stuff on DMSI (3.1).

I still crave validation of myself, I'm running E2 here while writing, and due to the healing, I'm going to go with DMSI.

I really need to feel ok with myself right now. Maybe......E2 is digging something up (??). I do need validation--and E2 has specific modules focused on this. I need this.

[Voytek]

Mate, could you kindly put in short, what's your main issues you're expecting to solve by means of DMSI, please? What are your general expectations towards DMSI?

Thanks

[findingme]

Thanks Voytek. I'd been thinking of this knowing I'd not communicated it in this thread.

The short story (kind of): I was raised without a father and my mom has always been an active alcoholic. She re-married once shortly (to a coc addict), had my sister, but she never dated or married anyone after that. I grew up thinking I could make her happy, and that affected me more obviously in my teens. No sexual incest, but emotional incest.

I felt powerless growing up, and I still have that "I want to save you Mom" thinking......right along with "I'll fail anyway." I was married for 10 years, have been divorced 4 years now, and I, too, have not dated anyone. I'm still tied emotionally to my mom. Agggggg.... Shame and helplessness are tied there.

For DMSI directly, I'm hoping I'll be able to break through/grieve through it (Universal Detox got me into some of my inner truths, and grieving is something I had NOT done. I did a bit while using UD)

What I'm hoping it'll touch is my brother related issues as well. I was without a father, but my middle brother was my rock. As we got into our teens, he changed, as he NEEDED to feel like a man. Drugs, skipping school, stealing, etc., became his life.

I was hit since.......he raped me one day in a fit of rage. My mom walked in, he stopped, and he left. I've felt the pain of his leaving much, much heavier than the rape, me blaming myself a lot. My mind's blocked the specific memory of it, but I lost the only one I turned to. And it was just me home now to "rescue" mom. F***ed up thinking there; such is abuse :-(

If I wanted one thing healed, I would say abandonment. That is the base of my pain .

When I finished E2 (my first run) last year, I considered AM6. I was scared of DMSI, me being in church a lot. I asked "AM6 or DMSI?" Shannon advised DMSI since AM6 uses E1 technology. I've looked at AM6 again......... but want and need to heal. I have some fear. For I've held this in a very long time, and I'm unsure when I'll stop crying. But I'm looking at DMSI for this healing.

[Zane]

One thing I can tell u is that I am much more less dependent on my middle bro ever since I started DMSI. I feel as if I don't need his help to do anything.. The only thing stopping is the lack of energy and motivation. U can say that Intention is there but the will to do is not there...

I was also raped when I was like 10.. Didn't knew what it was but that dude fucked me real bad. Didn't tell that to anyone.. I even had dreams about that guy when I was on different subs...But with time and subs every thing heals.

If u wanna save others then you gotta save urself first. Only then will u have the strength to save others

[Superman]

I really do hope this sub heals you guys, or helps you benefit in some way