DMSI 3.2 it's official

[mat422]

Man perception is such a weird thing. I was curious how I'm coming across to people nowadays so I did a little video journal. Let me just say that I appear completely different than how I envision myself in my head. But it's a really good thing because I appear way more confident and sexy. I take this as proof my mind has taken hold of the positive beliefs at a deeper level and what I'm dealing with is minor resistance to change. This makes me realize in the past I was changing, but my mind tried to convince me I hadn't.

I'm actually going on a business trip this week for my job to Dallas TX. I'm anxious but I've been doing my best to reduce that and it's actually been working. I can't tell you the amount of times in the past a situation like this would pop up and I literally was unable to sleep or relax. I have to dress up in a suit and tie and all that, so I was worried how professional I came across. But then I realized all this anxiety was based on what people thought of me and I reminded myself their opinions have no impact on my self worth. It's not solidified in my mind yet, but I feel like I'm getting closer to basically having this be my default state.

[mat422]

So things are going good. I've been meeting new people at the business I work at. But there's a ton of inside jokes about what's gone on in the business and I'm pretty much out of the loop. It is what it is. Got the "you're so quiet" comment again. That usually triggers some kind of downward spiral, but it didn't this time. I speak when I feel I can speak, sometimes I just don't see a window in a conversation so I just chill. I just generally don't talk a lot even among my friends and I'm done feeling bad about it. She did say it was ok though which was nice. First time anyone has acknowledged that being quiet isn't a bad thing. And I think it's just the vibe I give off now. It's no longer that awkward quiet. The worst is when people keep prying and try to "break" you out of your quietness. All they do is irritate you to the point where you just start pretending so they shut up. I don't really get that anymore and if I do I'm not going to reward their behavior with what they want.

I do like being social, but I have to be somewhat interested in the conversation or have a point of reference. Otherwise it feels like I'm butting in to get attention or approval and that just doesn't feel good. This has kind of been my whole life though, sort of just being a spectator. I can't really tell if it's still fear that holds me back or it's just who I am. I don't know if anyone can relate but sometimes I just straight up zone out if something doesn't catch my interest.

[mat422]

Goddamn, drunken ramble. I'm so tired of having trouble connecting with people. I let my insecurities get the best of me and disqualify people so I feel better about myself. My own insecurities make me appear aloof and like a jerk. I honestly hate how judgemental I am, all for the sake of preserving my self.

I get it, but it's so hard to break free from it. It's not just a matter of pushing and forcing. If anything I have to stop doing so much all the time. Just chill and be myself.

I don't know. Like I said, drunk. I just want to be myself. I want to stop overanalyzing conversations and trying to pick the perfect way to avoid being rejected. I've been getting irritated with people asking me why I'm so quiet, but it's true. There's a difference between being quiet out choice vs fear. And I can say with 100% certainty it's fear for me still. And I need to stop defending it.

[mat422]

These past few days I've been really anxious about appearing confident. But I realized that even if I appear confident it's pointless if it's just a facade. So when it comes to meeting people and interaction I'm better off not trying to manipulate my image in order to get a favorable outcome from people. On top of that I have to stop automatically assuming if I'm myself I'll immediately be rejected. It's almost like I prepare myself for the worst so it doesn't sting as much if it comes. But by doing so I cloud my mind with all these negative thoughts about myself.

So far DMSI has been projecting a confident image of myself to people, but I still screw up a bit when things are closer. I don't know how to describe it, but especially women. There's this expectation I put on myself to maintain that cool confident demeanor, but it's not solidified and it wavers which causes me to get too damn anxious about it.

[mat422]

I think the more healing I get into the more I realize how complex I am as a person. That's not an ego thing or a I'm special thing, it's just that I need to measure my progress based on what I deal with. After this trip to Dallas for my job I realized I'm very guarded. And in general people don't like that. Unfortunately people can't see my whole life story, they just get a snapshot. So I just come across as aloof and a jerk at times, unintentionally. It's just one of those things where I assume if I think hard enough or positively enough I can just stop doing it. But this is YEARS, years of conditioning myself to not be open with people. I do more damage trying to turn this stuff around in a day and criticizing myself when it doesn't work.

Here's the thing, when you have deep core fears about being open with people that have been with you for most of your life, it get confusing. I have a bad habit of giving people what they want. Doing this performance of someone who has opened up when really I haven't. It's like I project a false self that guards my real self. Sometimes it's easier to say screw it and isolate myself completely. That's how unrewarding interpersonal relationships can be for me at times. The fear overrides a lot of the enjoyment and what should be a natural human interaction turns into a job.

People always say to put myself out there more or open up. And it's just such useless advice. Every situation I go into, I strengthen that coping personality that deals with this stuff vs my actual self. The worst part is I've gotten so good at it, it provides this extra level of security that my mind immediately gravitates to. It's like ok you have two choices, put yourself in this potentially dangerous situation (not truly dangerous, but in my own mind it is) or use this pre-scripted self that may not win you friends but at least you know how it all works and what you can avoid. Every damn time it's the pre-scripted self.

It's not that I haven't grown or developed. I definitely have. But there's still something there. Something i'm clinging on to like a life raft. My self that I've cultivated and developed is fully present alone, but when I go out into the world it's not always there. Now that I think of it this might be the whole safeties thing. I have a bunch of pre-made routines in my head. I know how ridiculous that sounds, but when my anxiety was really bad creating scripts for myself was the only way I could function. I'm wondering if my mind is still clinging onto those scripts because they are the safer option and it's reluctant to go outside of them because they "work".

[Kol]

talking about hitting home. your last post struck something internally with me and I felt even panicky about the whole opening up. Its like you probed my mind with this, going straight in.

Keep going. you're not alone in this.

[Ruffian]

... The fear overrides a lot of the enjoyment and what should be a natural human interaction turns into a job.

...It's like ok you have two choices, put yourself in this potentially dangerous situation (not truly dangerous, but in my own mind it is)...

... Now that I think of it this might be the whole safeties thing. I have a bunch of pre-made routines in my head. I know how ridiculous that sounds, but when my anxiety was really bad creating scripts for myself was the only way I could function. I'm wondering if my mind is still clinging onto those scripts because they are the safer option and it's reluctant to go outside of them because they "work".

Hey Mat, here's a link to an article on magnesium L-threonate (MgT.)

The salient quote from this article for your consideration:

Overcoming Anxiety

"Animal studies demonstrate that MgT helps reduce fear-related memories, and prevents fear memories from becoming over-generalized—actions that contribute directly to reductions in anxiety.

While fear plays an important role in keeping us safe from real threats, persistent fearful memories from a specific traumatic occurrence, such as a car accident, can cause us to become anxious and even paralyzed into inactivity.

A supplement like MgT that can squelch fearful memories, while also helping our brains put them into context, represents a real step forward in addressing debilitating elements of brain aging."


Good luck!

[mat422]

Thanks Ruffian! I'll be looking into that more. A while back I researched magnesium supplementation but never went through with it.

---

You know, I've been doing some more thinking and my outlook on life is really negative. Sure there are some bad people in this world, but I can't let them ruin it for everyone else. Life to me has always been pain and struggle. Whenever positive things happen I always counter with some negative. Whenever I see uplifting possibilities I fill my head with what could possibly go wrong and how it can all fall apart. For some reason the negatives of this world seem more "real" to me. It's like it's not balanced in my head. The negative stuff hits me hard and the positive stuff doesn't seem to be as uplifting as it should be. I think I have to start practicing gratitude again and acknowledge all the great things and people in my life.

It sounds crazy but I fear good things happening in my life. Why? I don't really know. All I can think of is the fact that throughout my life I've experienced a lot of disappointment. Sometimes it's easier to stay with the crap you know vs getting your hopes up and being crushed. But I know this isn't right, I need to embrace all that life has to offer and stop being afraid of being happy.

[mat422]

Moving up to 5 loops tonight. I'll see what happens from here on out.

Yesterday was my night off. I kind of messed up and didn't get a lot of sleep. Today was hell for me. Both being tired and the sub feeling like it hit me a lot harder. I've noticed when I have a day off it's like my mind switches to full execution mode or at least it tries. A lot more resistance, a lot more anxiety, and this awful gut feeling of fear I get like I'm on the verge of dying. My main goal is just calming myself when this happens because it's really easy to get caught in a fear loop. But overall I'm working through it a lot better, it's just really eye opening to see how much irrational fear I have.

Right now I'm about to head to bed earlier than usual. I was going to push myself to work on my music more, but I've realized lately I haven't been taking care of myself well enough. I shouldn't be lazy with my music, but I have to remember my mental health comes first. And if I have a few days I don't get to it, that's ok. I really need to work on that as well. Whenever I miss a day to make music I start worrying that I'm running out of time and then the panic sets in that pushes me to obsess over the music too much and burn myself out.

[mat422]

First thing I've noticed, a lot of anger coming up. A lot of things I feel the need to express but don't. It's like I've just told myself over the years that what I feel isn't important. I think a consequence of being different when I didn't fit in, I blamed myself for a lot of stuff. I got angry with the way things are but I stuffed it down and called myself stupid for not being able to just put it aside and be like everyone else.

I think what it is is years of struggling with depression and anxiety too. A lot of people don't get it. It's not just anxiety attacks or being sad for the day. It's destructive. It weaved this convoluted web that systematically messed up every area of my life. So when I was struggling nobody saw how deep this all went except me. And even then I just criticized myself for being weak.

I'm kind of just feeling now that I have my own struggles and they deserve to be acknowledged. I may not have grown up in the worst circumstances, but it still sucked for me and I'm done holding it in. I guess I still struggle with a lot of shame surrounding emotional stuff. Like I should feel bad if I'm sad or angry, just a wall of shame over everyday human emotions. It's been suffocating.

[mat422]

I'm feeling really sad now. I find myself thinking about things not too long ago that felt better. But looking to the past for happiness never works and it's important to remind myself the present moment is what I make of it. Maybe it's the freedom I miss the most. I've tried my best to be a responsible adult, but honest to god I don't understand how people do this and not feel miserable in some way. I know some people don't have a choice and it's either work or be homeless, but still.

Maybe this is a piece of me longing for the safety of past days when I didn't have too many responsibilities or felt the pressure of possibly making mistakes. Maybe I still haven't moved beyond my core fears and I've just been coping with life. Most of my days feel like an internal battle between what I have to do vs what I want to do. As much as I've tried to coach myself through stuff, it all feels like a big bandaid. Like I've learned to actively fight off a part of myself that's afraid and push past things, but in the end I'm still afraid and if I don't stay vigilant I'll slip up and give in to that fear in my weaker moments.

It's just been hard. It's felt like I've just been trying to hype myself up and push myself through all this. But in the back of my head I'm thinking "I can't do this anymore". And not in a way where I don't believe in myself. More like in the fed up way, like completely exhausted of what my life has become. Now that I think of it, maybe all that pushing isn't really pushing. Maybe it's avoidance and resistance towards what DMSI is pushing me towards. It does feel like every day I'm trying to run from something or avoid an internal pressure to do something. I feel like part of me knows what has to be done but I'm too afraid to do it. So I just stay in the comfort zone way too much. My goddamn miserable comfort zone that has been anything but comfortable lately.

[Shannon]

And that's when growth happens.

[mat422]

I'm getting there. Slowly but surely. Today about half my day I found myself in the familiar sensations of resistance. But then towards the later half of the day I felt like I started tapping into what needs to be healed more.

But what's interesting is how this healing feels. It's not the usual stuff where I get upset, angry, sad, or any other range of emotions. It's very physical, with specific locations on my body. The solar plexus, my throat, and my chest. It feels like each of these areas is being addressed in a purely physical manner to diminish the effects of anxiety and sympathetic nervous system responses. I've left the realm of the incessant mind chatter that tends to spawn from those sensations and it feels like I've moved to addressing them directly.

Thinking about it more, fear is such a strong factor in all of this. Just getting to the point where you're able to accept new beliefs is dependent on your immediate reaction to them. Fear is like a flag for me that makes me avoid whatever I've been exposed to. In order to be more receptive to the new mindset I'm cultivating, I have to first remove my fear based reaction to it. And since fear is nothing more than a physical manifestation of the nervous system it makes sense that at least some part of my subconscious mind would have the ability to directly minimize the impact of fear. I think this is where I've been hitting a wall. The non-stop programming running in my head that kept my body in a fight or flight state so it just outright started refusing everything.

[LionKing]

Fear is like a flag for me that makes me avoid whatever I've been exposed to.

Just yesterday I was thinking that it's possible that I've trained myself to recognize the feeling of fear and then quickly go into some sort of releasing or monitoring or avoidance mode with respect to it, and that it's holding me back quite a lot. Because I think where there's fear, there's also a drive (motivation) to do that thing that is also scary. I don't know if that'd be a parallel thing or if it's a sequence, but I think the fear can get all the attention and then the more subtle drive gets overlooked and disposed of with the releasing or avoidance. So I'm trying to tale fear as a sign that I want to go that way.