DMSI 3.2 it's official

[mat422]

I'm getting hit with massive feelings of hopelessness. I'm also experiencing a lot of anger. Usually when the anger comes up I do my best to let it go, but now I've realized I can use it to help me keep pushing further with DMSI.

What I'm really pissed about is the fact that I keep stepping on my own toes as far as improving my own life goes. Normally in life you have challenges, I get that. But me, I seem to have challenges and I have to constantly fight to not self sabotage myself. It's really exhausting, always has been. I feel like 75% of my energy just goes into making sure I don't do something stupid that will ruin my life or set me back. Then 25% percent of that energy is left over for achieving what I actually want.

But I've been consciously forcing myself to attempt to execute the script. I find when I do it all this fear comes up. I also notice that I need 100% focus to not get my subconscious to pull back and hide again. Which is really annoying because I have other stuff I need to do and once I'm not focusing anymore my subconscious just goes back to its usual nonsense. I hit a point today where I felt the aura massively, crazy body heat, incredibly aroused, and this feeling of pressure in my chest. My mind was flashing with images of hot girls wanting me. But then I lost it. I can't maintain it. It's like I can push and push and reach a certain point, but I snap back like a rubber band. I'm going to keep trying, I want to push past that point and have it become automatic behavior. But so far I'm not sure if I'm making progress and each time I push I get closer. Or if it's more like I just keep hitting the same roadblock and ending up where I started.

Also wanted to comment on sleepiness. Seems like my excessive tiredness was really just resistance. I've started snapping myself out of it. I'm convinced my mind is reverting to old habits when I was a kid. When I couldn't face stuff or was struggling with a lot of fear I'd just sleep. That was my bodies reaction to overwhelming situations.

[mat422]

Ok upon further reconsideration I think it is my conscious mind resisting. The sleepiness seems to knock it out so the subconscious has more influence. So maybe not a bad thing after all.

I have no idea if my subconscious is executing 100% or not. But it seems like I have this block where I am receiving the instructions from my subconscious but I'm refusing to execute. What's been messing me up is I keep expecting the subconscious to do everything and my attempts to get the conscious mind out of the way are really just me refusing to follow instructions and avoiding. All in the hopes that something or someone will come along and make the changes for me.

I've just been really running in circles here thinking it's some deep subconscious fear preventing me when actuality I just haven't been consciously allowing the changes.

[mat422]

Debating if I'm going to run A or keep going with B. I was pretty insistent at the start that healing doesn't do much, but I'm gonna have to eat those words now. Had a moment today where I realized my compulsive need to get things right stems mostly from fear. And it's a fear I developed in childhood because of my dad. I wasn't the quickest on my feet as a kid and I was always a bit clumsy. So when my dad asked me to do something and I didn't get it right he'd get sort of frustrated and impatient. That happened a lot. Eventually I realized if I tried really hard to do everything right I wouldn't upset my dad. I don't blame him for anything, this was all me internalizing this survival pattern. But man if it didn't wreck my life.

So that being said, I don't know if this was B pushing me towards this realization or it's the future effects of A healing childhood memories and emotions.

That's about it for now. One more thing though. It's an older track but I just started getting into this artist.



There's a lot of snobbery surrounding music and I was afraid to expand from what I knew as far as music goes. And because I was really into music production there's a lot of elitists jerks on forums who wave their opinions around like fact. But anyway I never would have listened to this kind of stuff a year ago. But she's a really good producer, not just in a technical sense but just doing her own thing and being unique. In a way I still think I'm held back by the opinions of others on some level because life shouldn't be this anxiety filled when trying to explore different things. I guess it goes back to getting stuff wrong as a kid. Except trying to get everything right pretty much just kills my self expression and who I am as a person.

[mat422]

Just unloading some thoughts. I've been thinking about the whole idea of accepting oneself. And to me that's a tricky thing. In the past I'd accept myself as I was, but I was really just accepting a limiting version of myself. I'm at a point now where I don't want to be "who I am" anymore. The old self, the timid, anxious, neurotic one who doesn't want to stand out. It's so goddamn hard though. Alone, by myself I think I'm molding myself into this new better version of myself. But out there in the world it all collapses like a foundation made of straw. I tell myself I'm confident, that people's opinions of me don't matter, and that I'm good enough, but it just feels like lies when none of it is reflected in my actual reality. In a way when I try to bring about this stuff consciously it backfires even worse than if I just didn't care and went about my life. I honestly would rather be a fucked up individual that's ok with whatever flaws they have than some tryhard that pretends they don't exist.

It's just really frustrating because I don't know what to do. Do I focus more on trying to be who I want to be? Attempt to affirm it? All i know is I'm just an absolute mess of a person and half the time I can't even admit that to myself. I've even gone down the self compassion route and all that turns into is me feeling even more frustrated that I can't cut myself a break or go easy on myself.

I'm honestly convinced that all this mental throwup these past few weeks has been my subconscious running me around in circles to prevent actual change. I mean when you think about it creating the illusion of change would cause me to back off from actual change. The whole idea of making progress where there is none, like a goddamn decoy. It's infuriating really, I just want to improve my life and be happy but every step of the way my subconscious wants to shoot me in the foot.

It's all getting old, really really really old. The same destructive patterns in my life playing out in a variety of different ways. All because I'm too afraid to change. That's it, that's all it's ever been. And it's like seeing all the wonderful benefits of making those changes on a conscious level, but on a subconscious level they mean absolutely nothing. I mean seriously, do most people deal with this or do I just live my life with excessive amounts of fear? Because I'll be honest I see some people make the most of their life with ease, like breathing. Meanwhile I'm here suffocating myself and cutting off my own oxygen supply.

[mat422]

Either I'm experiencing the effects of A or B drilled a little deeper. Yesterday at work I was dealing with this intense fear and this feeling of almost passing out. Massive headache developed and I threw up too. It was like my body needed to shutdown and go to sleep. I'm thinking, but I'm not entirely sure, that A was dissolving some of the blocks that caused me to avoid facing fear. But once those blocks were removed there were no excuses and what I got was really intense. I think the feeling of passing out was me trying to disconnect from the sub pushing me to face my fears.

So I'm still on B for the time being. I figured I have to finish my 14 days before switching. But as far as A being gentler, not so sure about that at the moment. If this was a sort of glimpse into A or not.

[mat422]

Switching over to A tonight. I thought pushing myself on B would be enough to sort this stuff out, but I'm thinking it's the gentler approach for me that's going to win in the end. I don't really like it, all my life I've had to take gentler approaches to everything and I hate that. But when I run A I'm going to constantly remind myself this isn't about waiting. It's about clearing enough to execute and keep pushing past the fears that stop me. So far B has made a lot of improvements mentally, but I think there's still a lot going on underneath the surface that I'm not consciously aware of. And I've been overriding it through willpower and focusing on pushing forward, but at this point I think it needs to be addressed because it's like an anchor holding me back.

[mat422]

So did my 1 loop of a last night. Slept really well. I usually have anxiety about going to work the next day, but I was able to relax. While running it, it felt like large blocks of energy inside me were broken up and flowed out of my body. Despite moving ahead in life I've always felt weak. Holding onto that feeling was making me feel worse about myself. Growing up with all these mental issues, I never really got a chance to develop my mind into something that works for me. I resented myself for that a lot, but I have to give myself forgiveness because i wasn't in control of whatever circumstances caused me to be that way.

I think even if I don't get the full effects of dmsi I'll be ok with it. Right now this is what I've been missing, just feeling good about myself and taking care of myself first. Letting go of all the societal expectations put on me and just allow myself to be at peace. What's the point of attracting an abundance of sexy women if you just feel miserable inside? So far A gives me that feeling of everything being alright and that helps out my mental state a lot. It may not be as fast as B, but I'm willing to take the longer route if it gets be there.

[mat422]

Interesting stuff going on internally. First I want to talk about a dream I had. I was pretty much in a prison and I was being all cooperative because I was under the impression I was in there by mistake. So after being all nice and compliant I tried to talk to the guard about leaving. Weirdly enough it was a female guard. She laughed in my face and completely blew me off. So I just said screw this and gave her a solid left hook to the jaw that left her out cold. Afterwards I was in a mad scramble to gather all my belongings that held childhood sentimental value to me. Like I wanted to leave this prison but I couldn't leave behind all those possessions. Really weird. The whole thing with the dream was I never felt trapped in that prison, it felt like I could leave at any time. In a way it sort of felt like my waking life, I can make changes at any time I just have to decide to do it.

Then another interesting thing happened internally later on in the day during work. I was sort of zoning out because it was a slow day and I started focusing on this fear inside me. It was like my mind was honing in on it and destroying it, tearing it apart. But then my imagination went pretty wild and I started visualizing being in a sort of wasteland with zombies. As I was walking through this wasteland I was just shooting them in the head left and right, snapping necks, it got to a point where I didn't have to physically do anything and I could just make them explode by willing it. Then my younger childhood self was in the same place and I protected him, but then eventually gave him the same power as me and he realized nothing could hurt him in that scary wasteland. The whole thing was really vivid. I'm thinking it was a form of subconscious communication and a way to help destroy fear. I guess giving the fear some kind of form that my subconscious could actively destroy helped in a way. Maybe because the fear was more intangible it was hard for my subconscious to grasp? Like being this thing that lurked in the shadows, but was hard to actually confront. I don't know, but visualizing the fear as something and destroying it seems to be helping a lot. Gives me a solid target to focus on destroying.

I've actually tried this technique before in the past. What's interesting though is back then I would often be killed or I'd struggle to kill whatever monster I had created in my mind. Like you know in dreams where you go to fight and you're in slow motion? I died a lot in my dreams when I was a kid. Always started off me being afraid of something coming to get me and when it did I'd try to fight but I was helpless. The really unpleasant part of these dreams is they would mimic the exact layouts of parts of where I lived. So I'd frequently get killed in my bedroom, the backyard, around the block, in the basement, etc.

Anyway after all that today I realized that all these beliefs I have about myself are just feelings I hold. Self created feelings that I perceive as the truth and nothing more. I'm limiting myself, telling myself I can't be something only because that's how I feel about it. These blocks inside me aren't me, they are limitations that I need to let go of to discover an even greater side to life. The problem is I'm ruled by my past, I use the past as evidence of what's possible for the future which is wrong. So I'd constantly be putting myself in a box that says you can do this, you can't do that, you can be this, you can't be that. I realize now that all the obstacles I perceived outwardly are actually a reflection of the internal beliefs I hold. At this point the only reason for not achieving what I want out of life is because I'm standing in my own way and nothing else.

[dissonance]

That's weird. In all my dreams where I try to punch or box or fight someone, all my punches feel like my arms are super heavy and i can't control them at all, and I can't punch for sh1t. Do you ever have that?

[mat422]

I used to. As my fear has diminished over the years and I've grown more confident it doesn't happen anymore. I think when that happens in dreams it's a sign that some part of you feels out of control and helpless.

[mat422]

The I don't care mentality has popped up several times. Got to be careful with that one. Not caring enough causes me to lose focus and it's a convenient excuse not to execute. Fear based, it's like goals are squashed right out the gate in the form of apathy. Not just girls though, everything in my life. The "oh well that won't truly bring me happiness" mentality. Writing off things that are difficult or too different by assuming I know what the result will be.

An example right here. I've been really putting my head down and working on music even when I'm tired or depressed or frustrated. But then I had one of those thoughts that was like "you're working too hard, besides the only way you'll make this a lifestyle is if you become mainstream and sell out". For real though, my music isn't great and I'm not delusional. But my biggest issue is not just throwing out everything. I see it all the time, the really creative artists are overshadowed by the loud obnoxious heavily marketed artists. Turning this music into a lifestyle has more to do about selling a product than true artistic integrity. I'm just trying to reconcile that in my head. I'm not really content with keeping it as a hobby because that doesn't give me enough time to pursue it. This is going to sound like I'm full of myself, but I wouldn't be comfortable with fame or being well known. And honestly I want to change that because I've lived too much of my life taking pride in being overly humble to the point where it's really just me having a fear of success. At the end of the day I'm not shooting for fame, but it seems like that's a result of making good art.

[mat422]

Man people don't know shit and it irritates me to no end. Mostly because I was never confident and never believed in myself so I assumed others knew better. Here's what I've realized. People are great at following everyone else and it gives them this psuedo knowledge about life. This illusion that they are competent or know how the world works. I've constantly looked outward for guidance because of fear and lack of trust in myself. But that's a horrible thing to do. Not only do you cut yourself off from your own intuition, but you're at the mercy of loudmouths who think they have everything figured out.

I'll be honest I'm probably the worst reporter for DMSI because I don't go out much to meet women. And I'm still working on letting go of those fears that clouds my judgement and makes me think I'm above wanting women or whatever. So where most guys have anxiety around women, I won't even put myself into situations where something could happen to begin with. Like I said, fear squashing desires right off the bat.

But in a way I'm depressed. I feel like I'm in this grind. I got the steady job to support me but it's just so goddamn draining. I'm tired by the weekends, got my music to work on, got groceries and crap to take care of, cleaning my place, laundry, cooking, etc. I don't know I just feel crushed by the weight of it all. I've been trying to figure out some kind of exercise routine because I think lack of that is contributing to this depressed state. But every week it's like starting from zero and I think in my head "ok just have to power through the week and then I'll be good for two days". That's depressing as hell for me. I honestly don't get how anybody gets stuff done without being exhausted, but maybe I've just been dealing with a ton of crap for so long that I'm used to carrying this huge weight on my back. In short I feel like everyone else around me enjoys life and I don't. I could be doing so much more, but I just don't seem to have the energy.

I'm powering through it all right now, the only thing that's keeping me going is coming out the other side. And I'm praying that happens because if life keeps on like this I'm gonna lose it. When I think about this stuff I wonder if dmsi is really right for me. If my priorities are kind of skewed right now. Am I interested in attracting women? Yeah. But I'm more interested in just building a life I can be personally happy with. A lot of the reason I'm using dmsi is for the new tech and overcoming everything. I'm not like a lot of other guys on here with established lives that are just looking for that added perk. So I'm wondering if I'm asking way too much from dmsi.

[mat422]

Feels like a new and improved version of myself is sitting just beneath the surface but I keep stuffing it down. It's just this fear of letting go completely and allowing it to happen.

The girl I messaged on tinder messaged me back. I deleted the app off my phone but not the account. Went into the account today and there she was. But instead of talking to her or getting her number I just deleted my account. In the moment I was like yeah screw tinder I'm not chasing this girl. Then I realized that was a dumbass move. Oh well.

My tolerance for the nonsense of daily life is low. I see social media as a giant sinkhole that pulls away my focus from more important stuff. I see people debating, getting into arguments online, and I'm like what the hell is the point? The internet in general. I've just been decluttering my brain, stop hoarding all this useless info and just get down to actually doing stuff in my life. All that info at my fingertips messed up my brain. Always felt I needed to know more before I could take action, which is nonsense.

My whole attitude right now is that we are surrounded by toxic stuff and don't even realize it. It's just been interwoven with everybody's life. Detaching from all of it, that's the challenge. Because like I said, it's interwoven into most people's lives so it's everywhere you step foot. You have to have a strong frame not to get sucked back into the nonsense. I've definitely improved in that regard, but I still don't have the confidence to tell people to piss off. I don't know, I guess I don't feel strong. I have the vision, it's like I just don't have that inner confidence to not be afraid of others. I still feel timid and weak.

[mat422]

Seems like a lot of my resistance is conscious. My conscious mind seems to want "proof" before it goes along with what the subconscious seems to now largely be accepting. I can't tell if it's fear or just stubbornness. Since most of my life has been the direct opposite of what DMSI is attempting to bring about, it's like my conscious keeps going to the past to figure out what is possible or not. Currently working on stopping that type of thinking. I don't need a reason or proof to accept the new reality dmsi is bringing about.