10-18-2018, 03:40 PM
After an incredibly stressful day, seriously wanted to punch something today, I had a moment when I got home where i reflected on how I'm dealing with stuff. It hit me today that I'd rather stay swimming in my emotional pain vs let go of it and see what else life has to offer. It's like stockholm syndrome for my own emotions. And you guessed it, fear is at the heart of it.
"Healing", for me has been an excuse to continually engage in inner emotional turmoil in order to actually avoid change. I'd make excuses saying healing or overcoming all this takes time, it's a struggle, it's not that easy, etc. But the truth is I just make it difficult for myself. The more difficult I make it, the more of an excuse I have to drag it out and avoid what I'm afraid of. I've realized that one of my fears boils down to this in my own internal monologue. "If I can just let go of all this stuff, be free, just make a decision to be happy and all that, what does that mean about my past? How badly did I screw up if the solution was always this easy? Why didn't I just try harder to do this? I'm afraid if change comes this easily and smoothly that means I wasted years of my life being stubborn when I could have been happy. That's the hardest part for me, looking at myself and realizing I did this to myself. I took away a good 10 years of my life.
I know that's a horrible way to look at it, but I feel like I hold onto this stuff and battle with it more than necessary because it creates this illusion that what I was up against when I was younger was unavoidable. It's a strange feeling being presented with freedom and wanting to stay in the prison cell.
"Healing", for me has been an excuse to continually engage in inner emotional turmoil in order to actually avoid change. I'd make excuses saying healing or overcoming all this takes time, it's a struggle, it's not that easy, etc. But the truth is I just make it difficult for myself. The more difficult I make it, the more of an excuse I have to drag it out and avoid what I'm afraid of. I've realized that one of my fears boils down to this in my own internal monologue. "If I can just let go of all this stuff, be free, just make a decision to be happy and all that, what does that mean about my past? How badly did I screw up if the solution was always this easy? Why didn't I just try harder to do this? I'm afraid if change comes this easily and smoothly that means I wasted years of my life being stubborn when I could have been happy. That's the hardest part for me, looking at myself and realizing I did this to myself. I took away a good 10 years of my life.
I know that's a horrible way to look at it, but I feel like I hold onto this stuff and battle with it more than necessary because it creates this illusion that what I was up against when I was younger was unavoidable. It's a strange feeling being presented with freedom and wanting to stay in the prison cell.
INFP