10-07-2018, 04:31 AM
Hung out with friends Friday night. A girl I know also stopped by and was talking about a free group meditation the next day. Talked with her a bit about meditation, it was cool to have an actual face to face conversation with someone about that. Part of me thought about going, but I decided not to. But later on when I got back home I decided I've been doing too much avoiding and this would be good for me so I went. The meditation was a loving kindness meditation, oddly enough exactly what I needed after the past few weeks of treating myself like shit.
Afterwords went out to lunch with another friend of mine and we got to talking about mental illness and struggles in life. He said he knew some good therapists he could give me the contact details for.
At this point I'm anxiously awaiting dmsi 3.3. But despite my growth from it I'm thinking about seeing a therapist just in case I'm not getting the whole picture. I've realized my reluctance to do so is having this faulty belief that I should handle everything on my own. That anything less than that is unacceptable. That if I can't change through subliminals alone and my own will I'm doing something wrong. It's things like this that make my life more complicated than it needs to be and also very difficult to keep on top of because I'm biased.
Yesterday kind of just felt like the domino effect. Like that meditation was something I was supposed to go to in order to start understanding what I'm facing and how to best move past it.
I don't know yet how much more difficult I'm making change for myself vs what is the normal progress. For years I had a lot of magical thinking that if I just ignore all outside evidence of my shortcomings and focused on what I wanted I'd become that. A lot of that was driven by fear because on a subconscious level I knew there was a Pandora's box of stuff inside of me. But the more I ignored stuff, the more delusional I became. Thoughts or emotions that challenged this delusion were met with fear and anxiety vs awareness and knowledge. I guess that's what happens when you read too much fast food self help books and are wrongly informed.
So yeah. I don't expect dmsi 3.3 to be some massive fix for my life. But it's been interesting how much it does cover despite having a specific goal. I've just been going at this alone for a while now and I've realized I've been beating myself up for trying my best to solve an incredibly complex issue I tend to face in my life. And me refusing help was just a part of the massive trust issues and self worth problems I struggle with.
Afterwords went out to lunch with another friend of mine and we got to talking about mental illness and struggles in life. He said he knew some good therapists he could give me the contact details for.
At this point I'm anxiously awaiting dmsi 3.3. But despite my growth from it I'm thinking about seeing a therapist just in case I'm not getting the whole picture. I've realized my reluctance to do so is having this faulty belief that I should handle everything on my own. That anything less than that is unacceptable. That if I can't change through subliminals alone and my own will I'm doing something wrong. It's things like this that make my life more complicated than it needs to be and also very difficult to keep on top of because I'm biased.
Yesterday kind of just felt like the domino effect. Like that meditation was something I was supposed to go to in order to start understanding what I'm facing and how to best move past it.
I don't know yet how much more difficult I'm making change for myself vs what is the normal progress. For years I had a lot of magical thinking that if I just ignore all outside evidence of my shortcomings and focused on what I wanted I'd become that. A lot of that was driven by fear because on a subconscious level I knew there was a Pandora's box of stuff inside of me. But the more I ignored stuff, the more delusional I became. Thoughts or emotions that challenged this delusion were met with fear and anxiety vs awareness and knowledge. I guess that's what happens when you read too much fast food self help books and are wrongly informed.
So yeah. I don't expect dmsi 3.3 to be some massive fix for my life. But it's been interesting how much it does cover despite having a specific goal. I've just been going at this alone for a while now and I've realized I've been beating myself up for trying my best to solve an incredibly complex issue I tend to face in my life. And me refusing help was just a part of the massive trust issues and self worth problems I struggle with.
INFP