09-22-2018, 12:54 PM
Had another one of my long thinks. It was all about mental health disorders, specifically the personality disorders. I think I mentioned this but I was never formally diagnosed with Avoidant Personality Disorder, I had mentioned it to my therapist but at the time she couldn't make a formal diagnoses because insurance wouldn't cover personality disorders. But she told me that I do fit the criteria. Having said that I derive no sense of identity from it nor do I want it. But I just bring it up here because I'm dealing with a lot in my life.
I continue to move forward in life, but I still battle with a core sort of dysfunction. I know the common advice is to seek professional help, but really all of this stuff just boils down to past emotional triggers, current views and mindsets, and learning to manage my own emotional state better. A few years ago I had the firm belief that I was unchangeable and I'd always suffer in life. That I was different, messed up, and my life could never be like anyone else's. Looking back on that I see a lot of fear. Having those beliefs was my way of protecting myself from others.
It's hard going your whole life struggling with something that most people never see. They see the result of having the strength to face your obstacles. But it's hard opening up to people because it presents a sort of cognitive dissonance to them. What they see doesn't line up with what you tell them. At the same time there's this big gap I feel, where I feel like I'm missing something and it reflects in my actions more than my words when it comes to other people in my life.
I guess what I'm saying is, I'm not doomed. But at the same time I'm grappling with some heavy stuff that I am often very frustrated with. Irrational patterns that despite showing myself how irrational they are just continue. There's just something within me that started when I was young and I just continually act out that pattern in my life. Part of the reason why I'm so isolated in my life is because I'm a complicated individual. Maybe that's an excuse, but it's hard finding people to trust. A lot of my friendships now are built on strong trust and I happened to grow up with them. I'm lucky to have them, but that level of trust does not come easy to me with other new people.
I'm really just dissecting everything at this point, getting all the pieces together. You can't solve a problem if you don't have all the info. Sometimes that means being honest with where you are at and understanding that it doesn't mean you aren't trying hard enough or that you're over complicating things. If anything people are too dismissive and don't engage in deep thought when it comes to our own behaviors and actions. I know for years people telling me that I'd outgrow my anxiety or all these problems I faced didn't do much for helping me grow as a person. It just swept the problems under the rug where they grew into a more complicated mess.
I continue to move forward in life, but I still battle with a core sort of dysfunction. I know the common advice is to seek professional help, but really all of this stuff just boils down to past emotional triggers, current views and mindsets, and learning to manage my own emotional state better. A few years ago I had the firm belief that I was unchangeable and I'd always suffer in life. That I was different, messed up, and my life could never be like anyone else's. Looking back on that I see a lot of fear. Having those beliefs was my way of protecting myself from others.
It's hard going your whole life struggling with something that most people never see. They see the result of having the strength to face your obstacles. But it's hard opening up to people because it presents a sort of cognitive dissonance to them. What they see doesn't line up with what you tell them. At the same time there's this big gap I feel, where I feel like I'm missing something and it reflects in my actions more than my words when it comes to other people in my life.
I guess what I'm saying is, I'm not doomed. But at the same time I'm grappling with some heavy stuff that I am often very frustrated with. Irrational patterns that despite showing myself how irrational they are just continue. There's just something within me that started when I was young and I just continually act out that pattern in my life. Part of the reason why I'm so isolated in my life is because I'm a complicated individual. Maybe that's an excuse, but it's hard finding people to trust. A lot of my friendships now are built on strong trust and I happened to grow up with them. I'm lucky to have them, but that level of trust does not come easy to me with other new people.
I'm really just dissecting everything at this point, getting all the pieces together. You can't solve a problem if you don't have all the info. Sometimes that means being honest with where you are at and understanding that it doesn't mean you aren't trying hard enough or that you're over complicating things. If anything people are too dismissive and don't engage in deep thought when it comes to our own behaviors and actions. I know for years people telling me that I'd outgrow my anxiety or all these problems I faced didn't do much for helping me grow as a person. It just swept the problems under the rug where they grew into a more complicated mess.
INFP