08-24-2018, 07:10 PM
Had some insight today. I think the reason A trips me up so bad is because it triggers my perfectionism. Suddenly the healing is no longer about healing to feel better. It's healing to be good enough, which is a disaster.
This hasn't been dmsi. This has been a longstanding issue I've had to battle with. This strong desire to improve upon myself that doesn't come from a healthy mindset. It constantly feels like I need to "fix" something. But that urge to fix is actually a reflection of me not having a healthy relationship with myself.
I think B works better for me because I move away from that "fix it" mentality to one where I learn to accept myself flaws and all and just live. It's a bit like exposure therapy. Where I don't obsess about the past or all these inner issues, I just take things moment to moment and re-evaluate how I approach things and how I perceive myself. Instead of obsessively trying to fix every little flaw I come across in myself, I allow myself to experience them and understand they aren't as big of a deal as I made them out to be. There's definitely always been this fear of making mistakes in me, but without a doubt trying to get things 100% right or perfect all the time in attempts to avoid failure has resulted in me doing nothing at all.
There's a lot I still need to come to terms with regarding myself. It seems over the years trying obsessively to be perfect has sort of lowered my tolerance for objectively seeing what needs improvement in myself. So instead I experience this fear that just holds me in place. A part of me still has very strong feelings about making mistakes so that it would rather hold onto old dysfunctional patterns vs trying something new.
As a side note. Had a really stressful work week. Came home completely drained today. I think this week really brought things to light for me regarding making mistakes. The guy above me was on vacation so I was sort of just holding things down. Of course stuff started acting up, stuff I didn't have the answer to. Then managers were asking me what's going on, whens it going to be fixed. Meanwhile I'm trying to set up a computer for a new hire starting in a few days and purchasing ridiculously expensive software licenses that I'm not comfortable doing. Even though it was requested I purchase the licenses, I was worried i would spend too much and I'd get blamed for costing the company money.
For me it's a constant battle of feeling like maybe I'm just not taking responsibility for my duties and owning this position fully. But then another part of me says, "hey this isn't really what you want to be doing". Maybe I'd feel more comfortable taking on more responsibilities if it didn't always feel so much like life and death for me. Sometimes I really wish I didn't care as much about making mistakes. I'm trying to correct that mentality, but the fear and anxiety is still there. It's a very strongly ingrained pattern that I'm working on breaking down, but sometimes it's all just a bit too much and I crack.
This hasn't been dmsi. This has been a longstanding issue I've had to battle with. This strong desire to improve upon myself that doesn't come from a healthy mindset. It constantly feels like I need to "fix" something. But that urge to fix is actually a reflection of me not having a healthy relationship with myself.
I think B works better for me because I move away from that "fix it" mentality to one where I learn to accept myself flaws and all and just live. It's a bit like exposure therapy. Where I don't obsess about the past or all these inner issues, I just take things moment to moment and re-evaluate how I approach things and how I perceive myself. Instead of obsessively trying to fix every little flaw I come across in myself, I allow myself to experience them and understand they aren't as big of a deal as I made them out to be. There's definitely always been this fear of making mistakes in me, but without a doubt trying to get things 100% right or perfect all the time in attempts to avoid failure has resulted in me doing nothing at all.
There's a lot I still need to come to terms with regarding myself. It seems over the years trying obsessively to be perfect has sort of lowered my tolerance for objectively seeing what needs improvement in myself. So instead I experience this fear that just holds me in place. A part of me still has very strong feelings about making mistakes so that it would rather hold onto old dysfunctional patterns vs trying something new.
As a side note. Had a really stressful work week. Came home completely drained today. I think this week really brought things to light for me regarding making mistakes. The guy above me was on vacation so I was sort of just holding things down. Of course stuff started acting up, stuff I didn't have the answer to. Then managers were asking me what's going on, whens it going to be fixed. Meanwhile I'm trying to set up a computer for a new hire starting in a few days and purchasing ridiculously expensive software licenses that I'm not comfortable doing. Even though it was requested I purchase the licenses, I was worried i would spend too much and I'd get blamed for costing the company money.
For me it's a constant battle of feeling like maybe I'm just not taking responsibility for my duties and owning this position fully. But then another part of me says, "hey this isn't really what you want to be doing". Maybe I'd feel more comfortable taking on more responsibilities if it didn't always feel so much like life and death for me. Sometimes I really wish I didn't care as much about making mistakes. I'm trying to correct that mentality, but the fear and anxiety is still there. It's a very strongly ingrained pattern that I'm working on breaking down, but sometimes it's all just a bit too much and I crack.
INFP