Really nasty stuff popped up last night while listening to dmsi. I had the thought "wait I thought we were passed this?" Apparently not. I had these emotions come up that I was an absolutely terrible, selfish, and manipulative person. I'm still not at the point where I can be myself around others. At times I still get that sensation of performing. But now it's like I'm super irritable and at the same time I'm trying not to hurt other people by being cold and indifferent. So I'm using up my energy to hold back these feelings in day to day life, when really I just want to be left alone.
And yeah it made me want to go back to A. I feel so conflicted inside. I've wanted to grow past all this stuff so much that I ignore it. I keep thinking if I just have a really positive self image I want to achieve, keep moving forward, and don't entertain these emotions they'll just go away. But I don't know how any of this works or how my own mind works. If I need to heal more, if it's just another form of resistance to get me back on A, I really don't know. Last night it just really felt like I've been slapping a bandaid over deeper wounds.
I kind of knew something was up when I was listening to a track by twenty one pilots and got angry at it for being depressing or expressive. It was just a projection of my own insecurities about expressing myself and feeling the need to be 100 % impervious to other emotions besides happiness. Like putting so much pressure on myself to be positive at all times and if I don't I'm a failure. Consequently this is what causes my disconnect between other people, lack of ability to truly connect because I'm too busy trying to put my best foot forward at all times.
Anybody got any advice for staying on A vs B? On one hand I don't want to go into that procrastination healing cycle. On the other hand if I'm not getting to these core issues I'm fighting myself all the time.
And yeah it made me want to go back to A. I feel so conflicted inside. I've wanted to grow past all this stuff so much that I ignore it. I keep thinking if I just have a really positive self image I want to achieve, keep moving forward, and don't entertain these emotions they'll just go away. But I don't know how any of this works or how my own mind works. If I need to heal more, if it's just another form of resistance to get me back on A, I really don't know. Last night it just really felt like I've been slapping a bandaid over deeper wounds.
I kind of knew something was up when I was listening to a track by twenty one pilots and got angry at it for being depressing or expressive. It was just a projection of my own insecurities about expressing myself and feeling the need to be 100 % impervious to other emotions besides happiness. Like putting so much pressure on myself to be positive at all times and if I don't I'm a failure. Consequently this is what causes my disconnect between other people, lack of ability to truly connect because I'm too busy trying to put my best foot forward at all times.
Anybody got any advice for staying on A vs B? On one hand I don't want to go into that procrastination healing cycle. On the other hand if I'm not getting to these core issues I'm fighting myself all the time.
INFP
