05-13-2018, 01:29 PM
Part of me is in full panic mode. I was so tired today that I had to lay down and I kind of just let my mind speak without trying to stop it. All I could hear in my thoughts was "I can't do this". Followed by a lot of fear.
These past few weeks I've gotten more and more isolated. It felt like I was closing myself in more and more. I'm clearly doing the exact opposite of what DMSI is pushing for. I wasn't entirely aware of it either. I just kept trying to push and push, and the more I pushed the worse it got. Pushing this afraid part to just march through whatevers holding me back has absolutely not been working.
I have two selves that I'm fully conscious of now. There's the one that wants to achieve the goals I've set out for and the one that bellieve's it's fully incapable of making those goals happen. And I realize they are both me, but honestly they might as well be two separate personalities with how much they differ. Despite all my growth over the years I've always felt a certain part of me lagged behind and now I'm seeing what exactly it is.
This might be the really young version of myself that was absolutely terrified of everything. Things like going to school felt like life or death situations. I don't think there's any way to rationalize with this part to be honest, it's absolutely not rational. It doesn't respond to any positive self talk or encouragement, it's 100% convinced the only safe place is inside my own home and insists I never leave unless I absolutely have to do something. So I think my hands are tied with what I can do on a conscious level and I just have to hope that underneath the surface of all this there are intense negotiations going on that surpass my conscious ability to do so.
These past few weeks I've gotten more and more isolated. It felt like I was closing myself in more and more. I'm clearly doing the exact opposite of what DMSI is pushing for. I wasn't entirely aware of it either. I just kept trying to push and push, and the more I pushed the worse it got. Pushing this afraid part to just march through whatevers holding me back has absolutely not been working.
I have two selves that I'm fully conscious of now. There's the one that wants to achieve the goals I've set out for and the one that bellieve's it's fully incapable of making those goals happen. And I realize they are both me, but honestly they might as well be two separate personalities with how much they differ. Despite all my growth over the years I've always felt a certain part of me lagged behind and now I'm seeing what exactly it is.
This might be the really young version of myself that was absolutely terrified of everything. Things like going to school felt like life or death situations. I don't think there's any way to rationalize with this part to be honest, it's absolutely not rational. It doesn't respond to any positive self talk or encouragement, it's 100% convinced the only safe place is inside my own home and insists I never leave unless I absolutely have to do something. So I think my hands are tied with what I can do on a conscious level and I just have to hope that underneath the surface of all this there are intense negotiations going on that surpass my conscious ability to do so.
INFP