04-16-2018, 03:50 PM
I'm getting to a point where I'm realizing what's really holding me back. It's not that I'm lazy or undisciplined. It's that I still have a piece of myself that is terrified of almost everything in life. And most of the time I've just been brute forcing this and fighting to push forward. But that takes a lot of energy, energy that could be better used for creating what I want in life. Also by making this piece of myself the enemy, when I push too hard it pushes back even harder. The closer I get to success, the more I self destruct in some way. But what I'm starting to understand is that it's not some hidden enemy, it's me, a misunderstood piece of me that I've been denying.
I'm not saying I'm special, but among everyone I know it feels like I've dealt with an unhealthy level of fear in my life. When fear is this pronounced and a part of you moves on to being an adult while another part of you remains in that fearful state, it makes things really complicated. People always say to push past the fear, face your fears, don't give up, etc. But what some of them fail to realize is that fear isn't some simple physical anxiety you can just push past. It can be interwoven with all your thoughts and beliefs and distort your view of reality. It's tricky, not at all straightforward. So for someone like me who's dealt with it for most their life, it's a little irritating when people assume overcoming all of it is so simple. I've had weeks where I've pushed and pushed and it felt like I was moving on. But when the willpower gives out it's like a crash, it's just not sustainable.
I'm not saying I'm special, but among everyone I know it feels like I've dealt with an unhealthy level of fear in my life. When fear is this pronounced and a part of you moves on to being an adult while another part of you remains in that fearful state, it makes things really complicated. People always say to push past the fear, face your fears, don't give up, etc. But what some of them fail to realize is that fear isn't some simple physical anxiety you can just push past. It can be interwoven with all your thoughts and beliefs and distort your view of reality. It's tricky, not at all straightforward. So for someone like me who's dealt with it for most their life, it's a little irritating when people assume overcoming all of it is so simple. I've had weeks where I've pushed and pushed and it felt like I was moving on. But when the willpower gives out it's like a crash, it's just not sustainable.
INFP