(04-06-2018, 03:26 PM)mat422 Wrote: I'm all kinds of messed up at the moment. I've been trying to run from all this stuff that's been coming up with the healing. Trying to out think it and I realized it just needs to pass. I need to stop fighting it, no matter how shitty it feels I need to go through it. If I just keep putting it off I'll never actually move on from it.
So I'm not going into all of it because it would likely turn into a massive word vomit of a post. The gist of it is I'm pretty damn tired of trying all the time to get better. It just gets to the point where I think to myself, something isn't right. Like I'm trying too damn hard just to stay afloat. To keep up appearances of being ok when I'm really not. I know there's something going on deep down because all my life I feel like I've been operating from some messed up belief system about myself that just makes things 100x harder than they need to be. It's about time I get down to it and heal that instead of trying to push it away and ignore it hoping that once I achieve more outward success in life I'll feel better.
That sounds exactly like the confusion/frustration/lack of understanding I felt when I first began UD. It went straight to my core and shook me up. Considering all my choices (blaming myself, running away, escaping with food or anything) I considered that just allowing it was my best option. I am grateful I had some modeling in real life of just surrendering and allowing change to happen. I was scared before I did that. I'd run from actual change for many years.
"Vomit of a post": I can relate. I wanted to scream "WHY ME?!!!" Me losing control was what I resisted the absolute most.
I want to be FREE!
