02-18-2018, 10:34 AM
Messed up today. Had some coffee. I knew I shouldn't but I did. It's funny though because when I have some caffeine I feel like I'm more productive and more receptive towards DMSI. But maybe the lack of resistance has more to do with taking a chemical that prevents getting into that state to begin with. Either way I know what I did this morning was an attempt to bypass dmsi.
Other than that I'm slowly coming to the realization that my current lifestyle isn't matching what I really want. And in order to get what I really want I have to stop putting myself in circumstances that directly conflict with it. But I'm in that intermediate period I guess where I need to build up something. Right now it feels like my attention is split between two goals. Get enough money to survive vs working on music. Waiting until the weekend to work on stuff doesn't work so I've been working nearly every day of the week after work. But even that doesn't work. I need music to be my primary focus, not this job. Right now it feels like my job is taking my energy and focus and I don't want that.
And it really became clear to me, I don't fear the overall goal. I don't fear the hard work or the potential setbacks. What I fear is what people would think of me if I failed. How they would criticize me if I ventured outside of convention. How I've always been a people pleaser and I'd agree to what they said instead of standing up for what I believe in.
But what puzzles me is I don't know who this is I'm afraid of. It's like dark shadows in my head, faceless people who I've never even met but I feel like they are out there waiting to tear me down when I try. So far in my life I've had very supportive people around me, always encouraging me to follow my gut and not give in to societal pressure. So it's not anyone I know holding me back.
I also notice I project a lot in this journal, talking about people wanting to drag me down or hold me back. But really, where have I ever encountered that except my imagination? I know they are out there, maybe I'm just afraid of the one day when I break free from all this and become a target. I mean do you become a target? Is that just another delusional belief? It feels like I accept a status as more worthless than everyone else because it's safer, it's like laying under a pile of dead bodies in a warzone.
I'm rambling now. That wasn't my intention of this journal but I guess I needed to get some thoughts out and they just started spilling out.
Other than that I'm slowly coming to the realization that my current lifestyle isn't matching what I really want. And in order to get what I really want I have to stop putting myself in circumstances that directly conflict with it. But I'm in that intermediate period I guess where I need to build up something. Right now it feels like my attention is split between two goals. Get enough money to survive vs working on music. Waiting until the weekend to work on stuff doesn't work so I've been working nearly every day of the week after work. But even that doesn't work. I need music to be my primary focus, not this job. Right now it feels like my job is taking my energy and focus and I don't want that.
And it really became clear to me, I don't fear the overall goal. I don't fear the hard work or the potential setbacks. What I fear is what people would think of me if I failed. How they would criticize me if I ventured outside of convention. How I've always been a people pleaser and I'd agree to what they said instead of standing up for what I believe in.
But what puzzles me is I don't know who this is I'm afraid of. It's like dark shadows in my head, faceless people who I've never even met but I feel like they are out there waiting to tear me down when I try. So far in my life I've had very supportive people around me, always encouraging me to follow my gut and not give in to societal pressure. So it's not anyone I know holding me back.
I also notice I project a lot in this journal, talking about people wanting to drag me down or hold me back. But really, where have I ever encountered that except my imagination? I know they are out there, maybe I'm just afraid of the one day when I break free from all this and become a target. I mean do you become a target? Is that just another delusional belief? It feels like I accept a status as more worthless than everyone else because it's safer, it's like laying under a pile of dead bodies in a warzone.
I'm rambling now. That wasn't my intention of this journal but I guess I needed to get some thoughts out and they just started spilling out.
INFP
