02-04-2018, 09:56 AM
(02-04-2018, 07:46 AM)mat422 Wrote: I'm trying to figure out how to stop self sabotaging myself. Not just with this DMSI and women thing. But my music too. Sometimes I'll make something and the longer I spend on it the more I feel things are wrong. Eventually the whole thing seems wrong and I think it's complete garbage. Then I come back to it a month later and think it's actually pretty good. It seems like even if I'm not sharing the music I'm making, I'll attempt to derail any efforts to finish. The initial burst of creativity is great and idea generation is usually not too much of a problem. But it's that last 10% that I really **** up. The closer it gets to completion, the more I avoid it or ruin it somehow.
I've been fighting this for a while now and I just don't think it's the optimal solution. I can get work done if I really force it, but it's tiring. I don't want my music to tire me out. I think it's related to the perfectionism. I still place so much of my self worth in how good something I create is that I give myself anxiety about finished pieces of music. In my convoluted my mind I somehow believe that if I never finish a song then I don't have to judge myself for it, so the solution is to not finish music.
Same thing with women. I've had opportunities, but I blow all of them by emphasizing my weaknesses and completely throwing out any positives I have about myself and unintentionally killing any steps beyond the initial flirting. My mind is like 'uh oh someones getting to know the real you, better just ruin everything so that doesn't happen'. Yeah. This isn't just going to go away by putting myself out there more. I have to find the roots of this issue and kill it at the source. Otherwise I'll continue to carry out the same familiar patterns over and over.
Clearly what I think I want in life, a part of me thinks it's a bad idea to have. I'm a walking contradiction.
Something similar is also happening to me the more time I spend the more doubts and fault I find and then few days later i will be like Shit.. I should have not done that.. I think its anxiety based or something or confidence or self esteem.
