DMSI 3.2 it's official

[mat422]

Working on some music today. Really pushed myself and now I'm kind of burnt out. It occurred to me that the reason I get burnt out is I'm literally fighting to overcome that voice that says everything I make is shit while simulatenously engaging in focusing on writing stuff. I kind of just want to get to the point where the simple act of creating brings enjoyment and I don't have all this anxiety and insecurity over my work being "good enough".

I think I am getting there. I've noticed these past few weeks my perfectionism has gone down a lot. I'm willing to just dive right in and work on stuff and if it doesn't come out super great it's ok. It's better than not finishing anything at all and constantly dreaming of the day when my stuff reaches my standards. I notice my internal dialogue saying stuff like "it doesn't have to be perfect, just write, create, and you'll get there". Unfortunately during the actual act of making music it feels like I'm being pulled from two different sides. One side wants to keep on going and the other side wants to get up and never touch music again. These two butt heads while i'm working and makes the process exhausting.

That's the biggest hurdle dealing with perfectionism. High standards and an ideal vision that's very very far off and usually requires hours and hours of work and skill building. But the reality of not being there can be almost painful to the point where I just avoid it. This doesn't just pertain to music. It's a mindset, which means my lack of execution of DMSI might be caused by some part of me being overwhelmed by the sheer amount of work I might have to put in to achieve what I want.

[Shannon]

Working on some music today. Really pushed myself and now I'm kind of burnt out. It occurred to me that the reason I get burnt out is I'm literally fighting to overcome that voice that says everything I make is shit while simulatenously engaging in focusing on writing stuff. I kind of just want to get to the point where the simple act of creating brings enjoyment and I don't have all this anxiety and insecurity over my work being "good enough".

I think I am getting there. I've noticed these past few weeks my perfectionism has gone down a lot. I'm willing to just dive right in and work on stuff and if it doesn't come out super great it's ok. It's better than not finishing anything at all and constantly dreaming of the day when my stuff reaches my standards. I notice my internal dialogue saying stuff like "it doesn't have to be perfect, just write, create, and you'll get there". Unfortunately during the actual act of making music it feels like I'm being pulled from two different sides. One side wants to keep on going and the other side wants to get up and never touch music again. These two butt heads while i'm working and makes the process exhausting.

That's the biggest hurdle dealing with perfectionism. High standards and an ideal vision that's very very far off and usually requires hours and hours of work and skill building. But the reality of not being there can be almost painful to the point where I just avoid it. This doesn't just pertain to music. It's a mindset, which means my lack of execution of DMSI might be caused by some part of me being overwhelmed by the sheer amount of work I might have to put in to achieve what I want.

When I was younger, I was also a perfectionist. I would start writing a story and never finish it because I would get distracted editing it before I was done. Or I would start doing some photography and get obsessed with making the subject perfect, getting the perfect pose, the perfect lighting, angle, time of day, nothing was ever good enough.

Then one year I did NaNoWriMo. And that taught me one of the most valuable lessons of my entire life.

Creating isn't done all at once. You don't create something perfect the first time. You create and then refine until it achieves your goals.

Writers are by definition people who write. So these guys who want to "be a writer" or "be an author" or "be a novelist" just for the sake of being able to impress someone with the title are usually people who also never get there because they're terrified that they're really not good enough, because they've put these titles on a pedestal and constantly compare themselves to some ideal. They don't write. They fidget, fiddle, futz around, plan, prepare and generally do everything else.

I used to do that too.

Now when I want to write something, I just sit down and dump my brain. Then I start working on adding things I missed, revising, editing, formatting, etc. One step at a time.

It doesn't matter if your creation comes out of you perfect or not; nobody I have ever met just sat down one day and composed a written work or a piece of music or a painting or sculpture or anything else in one try. With writing, you create a rough draft, and then you progressively refine it into a worthy work. With music, it's the same thing. And with painting, and with sculpture, and with anything else that is creative as well. That's why people practice their art, too.

And I discovered this "secret" because one day I was sitting at my desk and I happened to look at my quote of the day calendar, and it said...

"No man ever became great, except through many and great mistakes. - William E. Gladstone"

That was the most valuable advice I had ever been given up to that time. It's okay to be less than perfect, as long as you keep trying, because failure is impossible while you are still trying.

And understanding that completely killed my creation anxiety. My first drafts on books are horrible, and I'll be the first to say so. Grammatical errors, spelling errors, punctuation nightmares, subject disagreement, verb disagreement, tense disagreement... I sometimes write it and then think, "Who the hell wrote that shit? This is awful!" But it's okay, because it's just a rough draft, a quick and dirty brain dump. Maybe trying to keep my typing going at the same rate as my thoughts does that, I don't know. What I do know is...

I can correct it, improve it, refine it, polish it. And I always do.

Perfectionism without this sort of understanding is a waste of energy. Accept that you are a normal person (i.e., imperfect) and just work on being the best you can be and refining what needs refinement. Then refine it until it is as close to perfect as you can get it.

[mat422]

Thanks Shannon, this really helped me out a lot. I definitely haven't been doing the rough draft and I've been trying to get it all right in one shot. This has led to me squashing creativity by being too worried about doing the right stuff. I'll be focusing on this way of thinking from now on.

[mat422]

I'm going to be nicer to the fearful part of my mind more. It seems like the screw you we're doing this approach makes things worse. Also the forceful positivity approach is a massive fail. Negative thoughts need to be corrected yes, but it needs to come from a place of compassion. Without that I've learned my mind resists even more and withdraws. There's no enemy here, that's what I have to realize. Even when it seems like my life is spinning out of control and I want to get angry at that part of me that does it, I shouldn't.

Sometimes I still have anxiety issues. Going to the grocery store, being around people. It's like I'll revert to that scared little boy I used to be or in a way still am. And after the fact I'd always criticize myself and say how I was being stupid or that I'm not a man, I'm weak, I wish I could be more confident and assertive like other people. Well no more of that. From now on I run my own race. I'm done comparing myself to others, all that matters is that each day I improve in some way and that's good enough.

I may not be the most confident guy, but I'll get there. All I know is that all my goals have to be done for me, not to look good in the eyes of others.

[mat422]

Word vomit incoming.

I hit a point today where I just kept getting more and more agitated. I realized I don't care about this job, I don't care about learning about computers, I don't care about being this super knowledgeable tech person. My worth is not contingent on how smart I am or how much I accomplish in life that can be quantified through some stupid measurement like a salary. I kept telling myself maybe I'm not trying hard enough, maybe I need to actually focus and work at this more. For what? There's just a certain point where you have to ask, who the fuck am I doing this for? Obviously I'm not going to quit because I need the money, but this has been the thing that always bugs me about society. Everyone wants you to climb that ladder, keep moving up, take on more and more responsibility, challenge yourself. Well ok, if that's what you actually want to do. I have no desire for any of that. I'm sick of feeling like I have to do something. It irritates me that people are constantly buzzing with this frantic energy to "do something". In my opinion keeping busy for the sake of looking busy is the dumbest thing in the world and it's a waste of energy.

So it's a question of where do I go from here? Well I don't really know. But I do know I'm feeling more strong in my opinions and views. I've stuffed those down for so long and followed everyone else's "rules" for living and it caused me nothing but misery. So I'm done. I can't, I literally can't. If I go one more day without being true to myself I'm going to lose it. I'm sick of corporate culture, sick of the rat race, sick of it all. Thank god I'm not even in that stuffy of an environment at my job, if I had to wear a suit I don't think I'd even bother working there.

I'm probably going to be spewing a ton of stuff in this post I'll reflect on in a few days and realize I'm being really polar in my views. But honestly, I'm so agitated with my current situation. And goddamn I just had a thought that maybe I only ever went down the whole computer route and brainwashed myself into believing I should do it was because I always got praise as a kid when I fixed stuff around the house. That's when I got THE MOST praise, out of anything else I ever did. Did I latch onto that and decide that means my career should be in IT? Probably. Worse yet I might have had a huge fear of abandoning it all together because then I'd be back to square one with "I'm not good at anything, I'm worthless". More and more I'm coming to the realization that most of my decisions in life didn't come from me and it's really pissing me off.

Of course now I'm relucatant to leave this field altogether because I'd be starting from zero having to go through all that job searching nonsense. Maybe go back to college for a different career. But man if I won the lottery all I'd do is build myself a studio and make music all the time. Other people say that's probably not realistic. I say who cares. Realism is fucking overrated. 9/10 when someone talks about being "realistic" it's just limitations they've imposed in their own minds. Why is it so damn difficult just to make enough money to live without killing yourself with a 9-5? Would people even want to work less if given the chance for the same pay? I don't get this world sometimes, especially the people who settle into these routines and structures and derive pleasure out of it. Blows my goddamn mind.

Besides that, tonights my night off the sub. I'm parsing through some heavy emotions right now. Don't really care if I'm being right or rational right now, I'm just irritated and angry to no end. I don't know maybe this is the part of me that isn't fully mature. Or maybe it's the backlash of years of trying to stuff myself into some box and live the "right" way and not disappoint people.

[Kol]

THIS.

[Zane]

Just heal urself my friend.. Do whatever it takes to fix urself.

[mat422]

Realized after that last post that I needed to acknowledge those things. But after processing it more I realize what's really at the heart of all this anger and discontent is just more healing that needs to take place. And getting angry at outside circumstances or lamenting my life will only serve to slow down this healing process, like a detour. Instead I recognize these feelings will pass. Right now it's really hard to see past this thick fog of fear and hopelessness, but I know it's not permanent and it isn't the truth. The reasons and stories behind the pain don't matter, none of it does. All that matters is I move on from it. In order to live the life I want to live I have to get through all this and fine tune my mind for success

Right now this battle. The constant barrage of negative thoughts and of feeling like I'm trying so hard was really just me refusing to take this all the way and settling with the idea of managing all this. But it's clear to me now I want to heal whatever holds me back completely, I want to leave it behind and never think of it again, to stop trying and start being what I want. And in order to do so I have to let go and trust in the process and wherever it takes me. I feel like I'm traveling into the eye of the storm right now and I think for a few days I have to let go of this need to keep moving forward and really pause and center myself and be.

[findingme]

It actually feels good to hear an honest rant Matt (your word vomit). While reading the rant, you were searching for reasons to be angry. I'm with you all the way, as I've been bitching at others in my head (basically "I'm not being treated LIKE I WANT" at my job).

I also realized this today writing about UD. While on UD, I raged initially (very unusual for me), but soon realized.........I was either afraid of change, or I felt alone in it. The rage took a LOT of energy. Soon after, the grief came. I had judged myself so harshly for failing myself and others, and I was so powerless over others. But my grief over hurting myself hit strong. I'd never done this long-term, even though I'm more feelings led (INFP). The grieving saved me, truthfully. I could let go of all the effort needed to punish myself and be compassionate, even with my ingrained social norms.

I'll be starting DMSI this Friday, and your sharing confirmed that yes, DMSI does have elements of UD in it. I'm realizing that I still have things to let go of, so thank you for sharing this with us.

[mat422]

Oh crap, I think I may be an empath. I'm starting to think all this anxiety and frustration might be the energy I've been pulling in from my job. I miss the auric shielding from 3.1. It hit me today that I probably have to do my own shielding. I'm really sensitive to energy around me and I shrugged it off for years without doing anything. I didn't really think that being an empath was a thing, but I think I've been so open for so long I've lost the ability to distinguish where my emotions start and others end. Leading to a crazy frantic state that won't respond to healing. Mostly because there's nothing to heal, I'm just carrying around other people's energy.

[mat422]

Old beliefs are falling away. Certain ones that no longer serve me. I'm redefining the "rules" of this world. One in particular is basing self worth on how much hard work one does. I believe in hard work, but I believe in hard work that's in alignment with your values and your goals. Not hard work that's a cover up for shame or fear of what you'll come across as if you aren't a good little worker bee.

When my self worth was extremely low and I felt I lacked any sort of competence I'd be constantly anxious. I'd worry about being good at a job and I'd burn myself out as a way to prove to myself that I was a competent person by pleasing others. The "above and beyond" guy that dropped everything and viewed himself as a slave that needed to prove himself. So many times I did this. I was a slave, slave to this fear of what will others think of me if I screw this up or I'm not good at this? But I'm not doing that anymore. And it's ridiculous to think looking back how much I was afraid of people's negative evaluations of me. Part of that is because people's evaluations of me WAS how I viewed myself, I had no voice. Whatever people told me, I accepted without question because I had such a non-existent opinion of myself. I was a shell of a person. I felt I was so worthless, dumb, and incapable that my own attempts at being nicer to myself were brushed off as being egotistical and narcissistic.

I can feel myself executing the script a lot more lately. I'm consciously choosing to follow the instructions. I'd get this agitated feeling in my chest and it hit me today that this was resistance not emotional pain that needed healing. This was my own mind saying no and fighting the sub. I don't know how to describe it but it's like the instructions from the sub manifest themselves as this feeling in my stomach and if I concentrate on listening to that feeling I get this connection where I stop resisting and it feels like all parts of me are working together. My biggest mistake was feeling that sensation in my stomach and trying to "let it go" under the mistaken assumption it was some form of emotional blockage or pain that needed to be released. Interestingly enough I think the more introspective one is, the higher probability of completely screwing up the results of DMSI.

[mat422]

Some old beliefs want to stick around. I'm at a point now where it feels like I'm maintaining this idea of what I want. It's not here yet, but it's coming. But man is it hard to truly believe in the face of everything that your life actually is at the current moment.

I'm starting to think the guys who have success with dmsi come from the background of being semi-successful with women so there isn't such a huge belief gap. But in my case I have to work twice as hard to close that gap and even get to the point where I think women can find me attractive. It's not easy trying to take on the frame of being confident and sexy when a part of you just tends to think you're being a try hard or fake.

Despite my forward momentum these past few days part of me just wants to pack it in and call it quits. It tells me I'm just chasing a fantasy, life is never going to be as good as you're imagining it. We've been down this road before, spinning our wheels and getting nowhere. Thinking improvements are being made, but being stuck in the same old shit.

I've been exhausted these past few days as I really try hard to maintain a positive focus and redirect myself away from my rumination spirals. I'm just really tired of all of it. I get I'm improving and getting closer, but some days it's just really difficult to make it through the day. It's not a tired feeling, like sleepiness, it's more like weariness and disappointment I guess. Like I know life can be so much better than what I'm experiencing right now, but I just don't know how to bridge the gap.

[Light]

Matt, you might be right about DMSI working only for semi-successful guys ( guys already half successful with women). But, the fact that you are here in this forum and listening to a subliminal, believe me, put you already in the 10 percent of humankind who realize „ oh there is a problem, but there is a way to women „. The vast majority of men don’t even know what to do about anything with regard to women with the exception of few naturals. What I am trying to say, you are on your way to success except you stop this process!

[dissonance]

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