Benjamin,
I appreciate your imput on this thread. Yet I wish to clarify something. This is my truth.
I've not sought sex mainly since I've felt shame of liking sex, of enjoying it, of sharing it with another since my model--a gross one--didn't enjoy much of ANYTHING in her life. I became her surrogate husband, so emotionally I tied myself to her thinking I'd receive something good for me. That was a false hope. I never made my mom happy, and I still feel disgusted even going near the subject with her since she has no boundaries, nor ever taught me them.
I'd look really good (the BS in my head) if you thought "I don't desire sex".
Bulls***!!!! I do desire intimacy, physically and emotionally, with a woman.
I've just had this weight on my neck around women: shame. I felt like a failure for not "saving" my mom, since she didn't show love or love me as I was as a child. I am emotionally attached to my mom still out of a perceived emotional survival, even realizing it while I'm writing. I act and think like a small child, barely admitting my need or asking for small pieces of love and attention, like I'm saying "am I man enough for you to love me?" I do this all day when with women, and to potential partners, it's very unattractive (IMO). I blame myself for this result. I therefore reject myself before they reject me. I do this circle day in and day out, all mentally, showing it by hiding from them. I act it out by staying home alone, not going out, masturbating to online porn stories, feeling rejected and rejectable, not knowing why--but still feeling pain. I blame myself.
I'm sitting in a pile of s***, but I'm used to its boundaries, feelings, edges, results..............and it's sad. I am doing this to myself.
I am listening to E2 right now, yes it's LONG to see results.................
Is this the best route to stay on? I'm not even used to making decisions on my own! I'm used to saying "is it acceptable if I......?" Fill it in with anything--I've asked in some way.
So, though sex isn't my focus, it is painfully and shamefully avoided...... and I'm missing emotional connections.
I'm spun out emotionally, so I'll stop there. .......And I'm actually NOT seeking a "do this!" or "do that!" I'm not sure what I need or want--as this is new being so open.
I appreciate your imput on this thread. Yet I wish to clarify something. This is my truth.
I've not sought sex mainly since I've felt shame of liking sex, of enjoying it, of sharing it with another since my model--a gross one--didn't enjoy much of ANYTHING in her life. I became her surrogate husband, so emotionally I tied myself to her thinking I'd receive something good for me. That was a false hope. I never made my mom happy, and I still feel disgusted even going near the subject with her since she has no boundaries, nor ever taught me them.
I'd look really good (the BS in my head) if you thought "I don't desire sex".
Bulls***!!!! I do desire intimacy, physically and emotionally, with a woman.
I've just had this weight on my neck around women: shame. I felt like a failure for not "saving" my mom, since she didn't show love or love me as I was as a child. I am emotionally attached to my mom still out of a perceived emotional survival, even realizing it while I'm writing. I act and think like a small child, barely admitting my need or asking for small pieces of love and attention, like I'm saying "am I man enough for you to love me?" I do this all day when with women, and to potential partners, it's very unattractive (IMO). I blame myself for this result. I therefore reject myself before they reject me. I do this circle day in and day out, all mentally, showing it by hiding from them. I act it out by staying home alone, not going out, masturbating to online porn stories, feeling rejected and rejectable, not knowing why--but still feeling pain. I blame myself.
I'm sitting in a pile of s***, but I'm used to its boundaries, feelings, edges, results..............and it's sad. I am doing this to myself.
I am listening to E2 right now, yes it's LONG to see results.................
Is this the best route to stay on? I'm not even used to making decisions on my own! I'm used to saying "is it acceptable if I......?" Fill it in with anything--I've asked in some way.
So, though sex isn't my focus, it is painfully and shamefully avoided...... and I'm missing emotional connections.
I'm spun out emotionally, so I'll stop there. .......And I'm actually NOT seeking a "do this!" or "do that!" I'm not sure what I need or want--as this is new being so open.
I want to be FREE!
