CatMan: Hello Kitty!

[Shannon]

Thanks a lot for the comments and subscribes, gents. I am very thankful, this is my first journal in quite awhile, eager to get back into it.

Hey Shannon!

What you've said is largely what I expected was the case, given what I've read about similar things here over time and your comments about them. Makes sense. The subconscious having such a tie to weight=security is indeed strange. I mean, I can see it's logic in your past situation where the woman was raped, so her mind decided if she was unattractive, then she wouldn't have that kind of sexual attention required to be at risk of being raped again. However...maybe it's similar here. I have fears about women and past treatment and pain. So, the subconscious may want to pile on weight, to make itself unattractive, so it isn't at "risk" of more pain and negative interactions. I'm not saying it's the "same" as rape at all, that is horrifying. But, just trying to figure out the logic. My case is just some bad binging urges that are very potent, not the horror she went through, different universes. In time, maybe this version can clean this up, we will see.

I added one more part, in an accidental quoted post above, that I have asked to be deleted since it's redundant. I edited the first post as I wanted to originally, with a part about pain in my head. I assume that's similar to the reason for the stomach pain? What about the dreams I posted? They seemed interesting to me, seems like somewhat obvious FRM work on women and my past etc.? Disappointing reaction from that one girl, but that was only day 1 of use I admit.

I have found that in general, certain personality types tend to associate physical weight/body fat with "security".  There does not need to be any particular association beyond that - no rape necessary, for example.  As to exactly why this is, I have only a theory that perhaps this part of the awareness associates the sensations created by extra weight with security because it is more like being in utero, or perhaps because it enhances the sensation of "being physical".  Maybe it reminds the subconscious of being hugged?  Sort of like a thunder sweater for dogs.

The pain in your head would be the same reasoning, most likely.  

The dreams indicate to me that you are busy working through the reasons you prevent yourself from having access to sex.  For example, you obviously fear having children, and having no experience with sex, the fear of impregnating a woman is great because you're not familiar yet with first hand experience of having the control given to you by condoms and the pill, for example.  To give you some idea the effectiveness of modern birth control, they say the pill is 99% effective, but that is not true.  If it were, statistically speaking, I would have impregnated my girlfriend maybe 4 times since I met her 2 years ago.  In fact in my whole sexually active life I have only had one pregnancy happen, and that was caused by a woman tricking me into it by telling me, "Oh, I can't get pregnant.  I had four previous boyfriends try and fail, and four doctors told me I can't get pregnant."  So it only took me a week or two, and what, I have Super Sperm?  Or are you just lying to me to get pregnant because I trusted you too much?  Hmmm.  Mind you, since I lost my virginity, I have had sex with enough women and enough times that I should have a hundred kids or more if the birth control I used was "only" 99% effective.  I've used condoms, the pill, spermicidal jelly, diaphragms, contraceptive sponges, you name it - for "real" birth control.  Not counting the stupid shit most guys do when they're young like "I'll just pull out!", or the less than 99% accurate stuff like the method where you try to time your sex to her cycle.  Modern birth control is VERY effective when used properly.  So the key is, always have with you or easily accessible, condoms YOU provide that she did not have access to before hand (to potentially puncture), and lube.  I have never once had a condom break or fall off with the exception of the first time I used a condom, which broke because she wasn't wet enough and I didn't know to use lube if she wasn't wet.  It broke because the resulting friction literally forced me through it.  So you use condoms, and you should be fine.  Oh, and my advice is, don't try to use ultra thin, and always visually inspect the condom for punctures after you remove it from the package, and before you put it on or unroll it.  And don't use expired condoms. 

Finally, let me suggest some advice.  Let go of expectations.  I know how much you want this to work, but expectations don't help.  It tends to be a process required to do what this version of DMSI (and FRM) is trying to accomplish, so let go of expectations and let it do it's thing.  Expectations tend to get in the way and slow things down.