Blank Slate - EPRHA 2.0

[Catman]

Well Catman, I hope to make up for it that you were atleast inviting her over to your place for a viewing of the notebook!

Hahaha i'm nearly crying with laughter here.

Well, I WOULD, but like, I'm having a fat day, today...so...

[Natious]

The following has happened a couple of times during the 2 months of E2, but was never really something that I thought to write about. All of a sudden 8 minutes into one loop of E2 I get this INSANE burst of fear. It's like an anxiety attack, but less intense and fades within 20-30 minutes. This is very odd and I have no idea what would be causing it. My hands start shaking a little bit and a general unstable feeling overcomes me.

[Natious]

E2 going deeper and deeper. It's odd about dreams, I usually have the clearest dreams when I wake up in the morning after around 7-h hours of sleep and then go back to sleep.

One dream stood out to me quite strongly. It was about me not finding a place in this world and almost going crazy. I was looking everywhere like a rabid dog to find SOME small idea of what I am supposed to do here. But nothing, and that made me incredibly depressed. In the dream I was consistently thinking about suicide and now it's a little bit clearer why I think about it in daily life. I simply feel like I don't belong on this planet and in this system of shit.

This reminds me of something else some time ago when I was on ASC. I was getting quite confident and I acted as I was not part of the system if that makes any sense. I did that with confidence and got away with a lot. I just left the class in the middle of it and went home, which is not something people do. That probably because attending it was supposed to be obligatory or you get kicked out, which is just a way to control people with fear and thus make it easier for anyone else to control these people later on.

To be honest there's not much I enjoy doing any more besides gaming. And I do that just because I'm so good at it, but the truth is that I see the point in that less and less as well.

This post probably sounds quite depressive, but I feel quite peaceful right now. A little sad because seeing the truth hurts sometimes.

[Natious]

Damn this sub makes me feel so weak! Things that I have experience with and should be relatively easy to do are now filled with self doubt. This might have happened in the past, but not this much and with such an intensity. In short, a lot of things are filled with insecurity.

On the upside, I often feel quite relaxed. Tired and apathetic even. I suppose this is better than feeling stressed out and anxious all the time. Although that doesn't mean the anxiety is gone, it's just not there 24/7.

A lot of self hatred. This is something that appears when I can't do as well as I'd want to or when I can't focus. When I feel like I can't control how I react. When I feel like I don't have a choice in how to feel.

In recap: Feeling weak and that makes me sad!

[LionKing]

Been there, and have ran away from it to other subs. Its not just about not being able to take the feeling of weakness, but when it last and last and you start to feel like that about everything, at least for me it'll start to feel like its not working or doing anything; like that is "just how I am when I'm not feeling driven enough", and I hate it. Wished it was better for you, but it still restores faith in the process to see others feeling like that on the program - means its working consistently. Overcoming the victim mentality, negativity - there's a lot in there. And I'm back on the program too, for the time being at least.

[Natious]

I figured it could be a phase. This dreading crappy phase. Hopefully on the other side of this, there's a stronger me. It's going to be a challenge dealing with the lack of drive that comes from E2 since I'm about to take driving lessons and will be starting this sort of a business school venture in September. I really need to find a way to motivate myself by then or it could end up being a waste of time.

I am looking forward to the "Positive Thinking, Positive Attitude (full program script)." to kick in.

You stopped AOSI? or is it just until v2 is ready for testing?

[Natious]

I had an interesting dream. Well it wasn't that interesting, but after I thought about it I realized something. I have a relatively strong homophobia so I have been avoiding doing or saying things that might get a response "you are so gay". In the dream, there was this opera singing contest and for some reason I went on the stage and felt like I could win this thing. In the dream I had an incredibly high pitch voice, but I was afraid to sing with such a high voice since I thought I would be considered gay.
I don't think I'm gay though since nothing seems as disgusting as seeing another man's junk. I'm not saying I don't recognize another attractive person whether man or woman, but that is all. Maybe E2 will heal that and I can go full on gay It does seem easier than all the drama with women that I have heard about.

Now the flipside of this is being ashamed of being with girls or showing any interest. This is SO fucking retarded. A fear of people seeing me show interest in a girl????? I am not 100% sure but I think this comes from bad religious teachings. I remember this one time a while ago when I was at a party and met this one chick who was relatively hot in my drunk state so I started talking to her "Do I know you?" and stuff. About a week later I met her at a bar and she mentioned that I wanted to kiss her to which I gave a panicky "No I didn't!!" answer. Only to realize 5 minutes later what I'd done.

Also I realized that I fall in love with women very fast and lose interest quite fast too.

[Shannon]

People are people. None of my gay friends has any easier a time than we straight people do.

Falling in and out of love easily usually means it wasn't love.

[Natious]

People are people. None of my gay friends has any easier a time than we straight people do.

Falling in and out of love easily usually means it wasn't love.

I was more or less kidding there, seems there are hardships either way. I guess it comes down to whether the positive is worth the negative.

I think my brother is getting some results with E2 (although he gets exposed 2-4h tops per day when he's home and I'm running E2). For the first time he seems to have a bf (he gay). I don't know much about it, but it might be related to E2. And he seems calmer.

[Natious]

Wow, felt incredibly insecure in a relatively familiar setting today (my class). It is so frustrating to feel so weak, I pretty much didn't talk to anyone except when someone started a conversation. And there was that one girl who I had a short chat with after class, but even then I felt so insecure! This made me think a little bit further about how could I possibly make out with her or any girl when I feel like this. I feel the weakness even in my walk now. I guess ASC has finally worn off.

Very unpleasant journey right now, I want to rename EPRHA 2.0 to "Feel like a little girl 5.5g". I hope this is only temporary because I am actually aiming for the OPPOSITE of this with running E2.

The actual state I want to reach is confident, strong, balanced, zen, clear. This right now seems very out of reach, especially with the current state.

[Catman]

Wow, felt incredibly insecure in a relatively familiar setting today (my class). It is so frustrating to feel so weak, I pretty much didn't talk to anyone except when someone started a conversation. And there was that one girl who I had a short chat with after class, but even then I felt so insecure! This made me think a little bit further about how could I possibly make out with her or any girl when I feel like this. I feel the weakness even in my walk now. I guess ASC has finally worn off.

Very unpleasant journey right now, I want to rename EPRHA 2.0 to "Feel like a little girl 5.5g". I hope this is only temporary because I am actually aiming for the OPPOSITE of this with running E2.

The actual state I want to reach is confident, strong, balanced, zen, clear. This right now seems very out of reach, especially with the current state.

Completely get this post, 100%. Even today, we are having the same experience.

I feel a latent depression in the background, and wonder how I can truly make the step to escalate with girls, or even date them. Seems far off.

Strange we are having the same experience at the same time.

Anyway, great post and thanks for sharing.

[Natious]

Seems like that wasn't just a feeling of weakness. A few people have been acting incredibly disrespectful around me. If others can catch the vibe, then it's not just me. Had a guy tell in front of me to a person not to do what I just advised a person to do. Then there's another person being all bitchy and making passive/aggressive remarks, being an absolute smart ass. All this happened in a way that normally doesn't.

This reminds me of a rather difficult time in my life and the reasons why I created this tougher looking mask to go with my image. If this is indeed about healing that then I'm in for an incredibly uncomfortable ride. In short I'm talking about the bullying part.

Will be using some confidence boosting pheros today.

[Natious]

I think something shifted in me this morning. It began with a dream of a school reunion. This was about the time I got bullied pretty hard. In the dream I was relatively at ease with myself and had an easy time talking to each person in my class. This includes the people that bullied me.

I feel less addicted to games right now and a little bit more interested in what else world has to offer. More particularly how can I get go from being partly androgynous to embracing being a fucking man!

E2 is up to something and I can feel it.

[Natious]

Scratch the less addicted to games part

Today I had this incredible moment when I could really notice the extent of my growth. Typically I'm this incredibly sensitive guy who gets emotional about every bit of angry remarks or criticism (not always showing though). Today there was this one guy who got INCREDIBLY aggressive and angry pretty much looking to get reactions out of people and myself. Whatever he said I could not get angry and just stayed calm. Not only that, but I also remained positive and called him out on being a dick, which he was. I was incredibly proud of myself after the moment passed and I realized what just happened.
Thank you angry man, for your suffering has made me see my progress!

Another thing that I have noticed subtly is that my confidence is growing (very slowly). I can say for a fact that it is different from the confidence that I had on ASC. While on ASC I felt that I was being fed confidence by force, on E2 it feels like the reasons why I don't believe in my self are removed.

On the flipside my brother attacked my father today. I don't know exactly what happened but they were getting their drink on and as I understand it my brother suddenly just attacked him for no good reason being incredibly drunk. I don't know what to think of it much because he has been an unstable person for a while. My parents are both relatively weak so they let these things go as if it wasn't THAT big of a deal by saying that they don't know what to do. I don't want to take responsibility for this and make decisions for them since I don't see it as my place. For now my brother promised to stop drinking, I guess we'll see how this goes. This is complicated and I don't want to intervene, but this shit is getting serious. I heard for the first time that he has already assaulted him twice before. I COULDN'T BELIEVE MY EARS. This family is SO broken that it's unbelievable.

I was a little hesitant posting this last bit, but I needed to write this somewhere.