Ben12's Journey to tranformation

[ben123456305]

Day 25
The good: I'm forcing myself to get up and work on my physical attractivenes.

The bad: the cocktail of negitive emotions and/or resistance is Building up pressure inside me.

[ben123456305]

Stage 1 day 31
Good:
Voice projection is better.

My depression is gone or less prominent.

Started making money on the side.

Now I feel closer to my friends as we started sharing knowledge about our hobbies. We were close already but it made us somewhat closer.

Bad:

Don't have enough to buy the next stage. Have to run the stage for more than 32 days.

I realized that being reactive makes a situation worse. Me and a third grader was essentially yelling at each other. I became extremely reactive to his bs. Then it suddenly clicked and I calmed down instantly and started talking to him. He calmed down too and managed to get something done. Later that day he asked for help and I acted calm and helped him out. Seems extremely simple but it feels like a breakthrough.

[ben123456305]

Stage 1 Day 39 2/18/14
Moving on to the next stage tonight.
This stage was pretty subtle to me.The drive to do different things were almost natural but sometimes it is very sudden.

-Recently I had the drive to make some cash on the side. When I started to implement a plan to make more money I had a lot of resistance because I feared the worst thing would happen but it didn't.

-Started to get care more about hygiene. I'm taking steps to being cleaner and smell good. Revisited my small cologne collection consistently instead of having it collect dust.

- Trying to improve my physical appearance by buying better looking clothing. I wear business casual most of the time so I decided to build on to that with a blazer. I don't think I can wear it everyday in a high school setting. Any thoughts?

This stage hasn't been all that smooth either because it has been uncovering some emotional junk regarding women. It wants me to blame everything on women to preserve my ego or something like that.

Running stage one for over 32 days did give me extra time to unearth a rather large emotional attachment and dependence on something regarding women. It came as a dream where I became extremely emotional over the death of someone I viewed as the love of my life.

[ben123456305]

stage 2 day 4 2/22/15
Yesterday I messed up, a female friend was outright trying to boss me around and my first reaction was to explode and shut her down. But my second reaction was to calm down. I followed the second option and I proceed to feel better for the rest of the night. I think I chose the wrong action lol.

[ben123456305]

My mind kept echoing to me "read red pill stuff on reddit" so I did. This sparked something inside me to focus on self-improvement. Right now I decided to give some more time and energy to some aspects in my life:

School- End procrastination and finish all my assignments. This should have been a given but my laziness and procrastination is stopping me from achieving it.

Fitness- Start going to the gym 4 times a week.I stopped going to the gym consistently so I am trying to get into the flow again. I sometimes don't go because I procrastinated major assignments or I was too lazy. If I procrastinate now then I'm going to have to face the consequences of my decisions.

Looks-To improve how I look and smell. I need to spend more time to improve my appearance. So my goal is to be able to set aside time in the morning.

In the end it seems like I need to manage my time and learning to take responsibility of what I do.

Masturbation seems to take away the drive to do anything. So I am going to stop doing it. I have been doing it for so long it became a habit so I am going to try and break it. I only seem to fail at quitting it because I cant release the sexual energy.

[ben123456305]

Day 5 2/23/15
Trying to keep these resolutions up. It is working somewhat.

-Academics haven't changed much.

-Hit the gym today. Felt more focused in the workout.

-Appearance haven't changed much because i can't get up early enough.

I feel like im heading to the angry stage of AM5. Today I just cursed my friend out for saying something stupid online and then she left the conversation. This makes it awkward for me and a hint of guilt is welling up inside me.

[ben123456305]

Day 8 2/28/15
Recently it seems like i'm naturally leaning towards self improvement. Its almost a subconscious urge and I naturally act it...most of the time.

-My attire have improved and my hygiene too.

-Fitness is doing well, Right now working on form so the weight is not as heavy as i used to do but i'm adding more weight to the bar.

-Academics are lagging because I cant find the motivation to finish homework and study.

-Now i'm leaning toward socializing in general. I have been stagnant in this area for a long time. I have the same group of friends and I haven't made time to meet new people. I'm really soft spoken and my projection is not great.
*edit*
-I dont know why but there's a hidden euphoria I feel when im reading about socializing. It feels empowering and exciting. It gives more of an incentive to do it.

- A memorable moment today: supervisor decided to change things up from routine and I absolutely failed at it. Everyone is blaming each other and I became reactive.I was blaming everyone while thinking i messed up pretty badly too. Later I was still heated but then in my mind I suddenly thought " It's not worth it to keep blaming people, Find the problems and fix it.". Instead of being reactive, I could have taken responsibly and admit that I messed up and started to think of ways to improve the supervisor's new routine.

[ben123456305]

Day 16 3/8/15
Frustration forces me back to reading pickup But i find no enjoyment in it or in talking with people. Yet I want companionship. The irony.

Body posture is better. I have slowed down my pace.

I had a chance to glimpse my primal side and I found it pretty enjoyable.it also told me I have less problems with socializing than I thought.

[ben123456305]

Just looking a couple pretty much threw me off. I started feeling sick. I felt like utter garbage. I wanted a relationship and yet I have nothing to bring to the table compared to other guys. I felt physically sick while my mind wanted to give up. It Wanted to end and be gone. Then my mind started getting angry. In my mind I was breaking things while saying how I am useless because I can't fulfill my own needs. The needs of my testosterone.
Edit: seems like i'm resisting it hard core and its breaking me down.
Edit#2: I started thinking about all the labels that people have been using such as "nice guy", "alpha male" "confidence" etc. I questioned why am i trying to adhere to these labels when I should just do whatever I want.

[ben123456305]

Day 28 3/20/15
Sticking to my workout plan is easier than I thought. I am trying to lean out while building muscle.

This one girl I never talked to since last year and she just sent me a nude pics of herself. It was completely random and threw me off pretty hard. she justified it by saying she was horny and such. After that I realized I really didn't like the actual sex but just the idea of Sex with hot girls. When I realized tha, my neediness took a nosedive and my sociability went up.

[ben123456305]

Day 32 3/24/15 stage 2
- Had a total of two breakdowns today. I had a assignment due and my teacher wanted me to write about something I that I found interesting. I ended up writing about a song that I liked. I chose the song and began writing about it (intending to just write a mediocre report). It began ok and then I started pouring my deepest, darkest things that I tried to block by being mindless and distant. I haven't even told anyone about this and I just kept pouring stuff out and I hit the breaking point. The Flood gates opened and then I started sobbing uncontrollably. After I calmed down I continued to try and finish my paper. Wrote a paragraph and I hit another nerve. Sobbed even harder the second time.
-What I wrote that possibly triggered the breakdowns.

First
I tried copy what others do and their lifestyles to try and get what they got to no avail. I failed every time and it drove me deeper into the “darkness”. I started to question will there be a light at the end of tunnel?
(lyrics)
Pull me from the darkness, lift me back into the light
Fill this empty vessel, fill this hole I have inside
Am I worth forgiveness, I can't make myself believe
Second.
My want for something spiraled into a need. I needed something and I didn’t know what it was. Feeling eternally lost with only daily distractions for comfort. Have it creep back into my mind springs me back into action. Although I often wonder why I keep doing springing back into action. The question keep coming back:
(lyrics)
Is there any good left in me?
I want to be a good man
I want to be a good man
Is there good left in me?
I want to be a good man
Is there any good left in me?

Well at least something is happening lol

[ben123456305]

Unknown day 5/22/15
Its been a long night guys. To sum up a couple of months I have been gone, I have been depressed about life. Around two months ago I used Ultra success and luck magnifier. I now have loyal girlfriend, a group of friends that have the same interest as me and some personal growth.
I wanted a group of friends that can help each other and grow alongside each other.Today My best friend and I got into a fight and I never realized that his will has been so broken by his circumstances that It was heart breaking to me. I knew somehow in my mind that in order to grow as a person one has to let go and move on. I told him I needed friends of that type and he is stagnated.I acknowledged that it was the last year before we are truly set on our own paths and it really killed me. To lose a close friend and thrusting myself to the unknown is heart wrenching. We left it in a bittersweet mood, knowing that this is an opportunity for growth and therefore necessary.

[QuantumEnthusiast]

Unknown day 5/22/15
Its been a long night guys. To sum up a couple of months I have been gone, I have been depressed about life. Around two months ago I used Ultra success and luck magnifier. I now have loyal girlfriend, a group of friends that have the same interest as me and some personal growth.
I wanted a group of friends that can help each other and grow alongside each other.Today My best friend and I got into a fight and I never realized that his will has been so broken by his circumstances that It was heart breaking to me. I knew somehow in my mind that in order to grow as a person one has to let go and move on. I told him I needed friends of that type and he is stagnated.I acknowledged that it was the last year before we are truly set on our own paths and it really killed me. To lose a close friend and thrusting myself to the unknown is heart wrenching. We left it in a bittersweet mood, knowing that this is an opportunity for growth and therefore necessary.

Keep going man, good to see the progress you've made since you started. I read the posts in the first 2 pages and the change is pretty obvious! Why does it say unknown day though?

[ben123456305]

Unknown day 5/22/15
Its been a long night guys. To sum up a couple of months I have been gone, I have been depressed about life. Around two months ago I used Ultra success and luck magnifier. I now have loyal girlfriend, a group of friends that have the same interest as me and some personal growth.
I wanted a group of friends that can help each other and grow alongside each other.Today My best friend and I got into a fight and I never realized that his will has been so broken by his circumstances that It was heart breaking to me. I knew somehow in my mind that in order to grow as a person one has to let go and move on. I told him I needed friends of that type and he is stagnated.I acknowledged that it was the last year before we are truly set on our own paths and it really killed me. To lose a close friend and thrusting myself to the unknown is heart wrenching. We left it in a bittersweet mood, knowing that this is an opportunity for growth and therefore necessary.

Keep going man, good to see the progress you've made since you started. I read the posts in the first 2 pages and the change is pretty obvious! Why does it say unknown day though?

Unknow day because I forgot what day I started US + LM.