DMSI 3.2 journal (A Smuggler's tale)

[Smuggler]

Mistake, double post. Ignore

[Blacksheep]

(....)

[Smuggler]

Thanks man.

[Benjamin]

A large part of my anxiety appears to come from the nightclub job as I look at every single person in the street as if they are going to hurt me, I can't walk past a single person without visualising how i'm going to be able to counter if they attack me.

Damn.. I understand this well. Do you do security?

I believe that contributed to some of my issues too. When I was doing it regularly, all the fights that I got into, i'd walk down the street hyperaware and paranoid. And i'd see people I threw out and combined with some things that happened I started to isolate myself.

I feel way more relaxed out of that job now.

Hope you can start to deal with it.

[Smuggler]

Yeah it was the same job, I quit it 3.5 years ago but that's when I think it started, my brain finally had time to process everything as it was a second job alongside my full time work, I was so busy I never had time to process it fully I think. I was very good at turning off feelings while doing that job.
That sounds exactly like me, especially the isolation part, I never even realised it until a few months ago.

Thanks. How did you start to get over it? Or did it just stop when you left that job?

[Smuggler]

Day 39 2/4/2018

I switched to A side at Day 36 (30/3/2018). I've been inside my house all weekend except for a couple of hours yesterday having dinner with parents and brother and his family.
I've just had a sudden urge this morning to completely clean my house for whatever reason and tidy everything up. I have decided to put my online dating stuff on hold for now definitely as I can see I need to work on some internal issues.

My thoughts during this depressive/down state seem to be becoming more rational and I perhaps can see what my future direction is going to be. I can now visualise how I want to be and how i'm going to be and it involves me doing what I want and not caring what others think.
A path I am looking at is stopping this sub for a couple of weeks and starting AM6. I really think it's what I need to start to take control of my life again, I think it will help me better than DMSI will for it's own goal on my current state and I mean that in the sense that I may get more benefit from the AM6 effects coinciding with DMSI goals. I think.
I'm generally a physically attractive person and i've never really had trouble catching girl's eyes but again I think true male confidence can help me more right now. I just keep remembering a time before I picked up my most recent ex that I was a lot more alpha-like confident in everything I did. I just feel like i've softened up over the last few years and the best way I can put it is I am quite tolerable of everything and anyone, laid back because I care too much about other peoples feelings, people I have never and will never even meet. And I don't believe that's an attractive trait for a male.

I may be wrong. I may not be. I don't want to be seen as just dropping a sub because I don't perceive it to be doing it's job. I'm going to continue listening and continue deciding if it's the best course for me to switch to AM for now. I would appreciate any advice on the matter.