AwesomeYoungDude's Alpha Journal

[AwesomeYoungDude]

Shannon thanks for the suggestions. Just so you know there is passion in the AwesomeYoungDude's marriage. There are times when someone gets "thrown on the bed" so to speak.

Summary of Stage 2 AM11 (Includes 3 weeks of Overcoming Procrastination 4G)

• Fundamental shift in mental discipline. Something just suddenly clicked, like switching a light on. The discipline is not rock solid but a small positive shift in the right direction. Instead of running into the wind, I have a gentle breeze at my back, pushing me along. The mental discipline as persisted for about 1 1/2 weeks. This is a major step towards overcoming procrastination.
  
• Major bout with resistance. The resistance lasted over a week. It started following a week of euphoria, growth, and mental clarity. Its onset occurred at the realization that I had undergone a positive shift in mental discipline. This was a full blown meltdown which brought back the most significant levels of insecurities I have experienced in years (teenage levels). The depression was debilitating.
  
• Continued a slow improvement in both physical and mental self control.
  
• Started exercising after a long hiatus.
  
• Increased motivation to improve myself. I have a stronger desire to change. I'm given glimpses of life as though the change has already happened. I routinely see and imagine myself as the new person as though I was already that person. Previously I've had a desire, a hope, a "it would be great if" daydream, but this is different. I see the results as a naturally already existing state.
  
• No post melt-down spurts of euphoria.
  
• Dreams at the start of stage 2 were vivid and geared towards the alpha transition. My dreams at the end of stage 2 are back to pre-alpha. (nothing to report)
  
• Reduction in physical and mental procrastination.
  
• Increased indifference to what others think of me. I ask more simple questions in work related meetings (the kind that non-technical managers ask). I'm asking for clarification or to simply understand. I'm asking the questions knowing full well that others in the room assumed that I already had a good understanding of the topic. The reproach of asking these questions, thus revealing who I really am, is outweighed by my need to thoroughly understand the discussion. I still care about others opinion of me, but I'm starting to care less and less. My self talk is as follows: "I'm not defective if I don't know something. I don't care if short term others think I'm lacking. I will in time have knowledge that will empower me in my decision making process and allow me to continue to be an informed leader. I'm good at what I do and I have valuable talents that are of great worth to my team and company."
  
• Learned from Shannon's post how the create a bullet list.
  

Stage two definitely did a level set cleansing. A lot of mental garbage was discarded. I now see who I really am and what I need to do to become alpha. My mind is still rebelling by saying "ok since you want to start over fine now learn this or that....which you never learned...and I have protected you because you did not learn it....and by the way since you want to be all grown-up now I will not protect you....you are on your own". My (controlling parent) mind is now talking to me (my inner child) with the same interaction as many have posted about the interaction with their parents. The parent is still trying to control the little boy who they nurtured, developed and cared for all those years. Whom they protected from the hurt and harm they experienced in life. Whom they supported and love, but who is now standing in front of them as an emerging adult alpha male. It appears that my parent mind still wants to protect me from change and my inner child definitely wants to break free of the bondage.