Antaeus' AM6 Reboot Journal

[Antaeus]

Had a serious bout of depression today. No responses on Tinder yet. Feeling very isolated. Felt a lot of anger. Had to get out of the house.

Can’t say for sure yet since your journey isn’t over, but judging by what you’re reporting, another AM6 run is in order.

I feel like I need to go into more detail about this particular day. I forgot to mention on this day that I had a bit of an emotional breakdown at home when I was home alone. I didn’t binge eat but I didn’t eat according to my diet either. I just didn’t care in the moment. Luckily I didn’t eat anything bad but I was definitely emotionally eating. I sat at the dining room table and just f*cking cried. I felt abandoned, isolated and alone. Feeling like I had no one. It was a strange feeling. I just wanted to get out of the house so shortly after mom got home I took a shower and got dressed. I was pretty short with her and simply didn’t want to be bothered. I was very easily irritated with her and just felt like she was up my ass with questions about my day. Something was going on here but I don’t know what.

Hmm, seems like almost every AM6 journal I read includes some story of the man crying out of nowhere one day, myself included. Getting out of the house was what helped me that day. My tears came out of frustration, but there was no rational reason to cry. I think eventually this program “hits a nerve” that once uncovered, helps with emotional breakthrough. I cried on E2 as well one day after I realized how I let myself down in some way so I’m thinking the E1 programming in AM6 eventually uncovers something in a man that causes him to face something he may have repressed or buried and once it’s uncovered, can be eventually cleared away through continuing to use the sub.

It could also be that your subconscious mind caused you to feel stress because it was being coerced into facing something it was trying to protect you from, hence the tears and emotional eating. Judging by the reaction you had to your Mom’s questioning, it seems like you were dealing with some source of fear. Don’t know for sure though. What I do know is that as long as you keep listening, whatever is causing this fades away eventually.

You know it’s actually funny now that I’m Thinking about it After having read your post DavisMind91. What I’m starting to realize is that for a while I was actually in denial. For the past couple of years I’ve always identified myself as an introvert And somehow wore that title like a badge of honor. With several people having faded out of my life I think what was really going on was that I see all these people that were in my life having gotten on with their own lives and I feel like I’ve been left behind. And I think the reason I broke down so badly the other day last week is that I’m starting to realize how sad I really am without people in my life. Unfortunately there’s not much I can do in the immediate moment with school starting back up But I do know that someway somehow what school is finished and once I’m sufficiently employed I’m going to seriously work on trying to rebuild my social life one way or the other. Because whether I want to accept it or not we are social creatures despite the fact that I am in fact an introvert and I do like my alone time From time to time. But I’m not going to use the introvert label as a way to absolve myself from making friends and having a social life of some sort.