Antaeus' AM6 Reboot Journal

[Antaeus]

Another thought has crossed my mind. This happened many years ago (November 2010) but it still creeps up on me to this day. Back in college one year there was this girl I had a crush on for a short time. She was in a sorority next door to us. And I had asked her to our Fall Formal and somehow she knew I liked her and made in known to me in no uncertain terms that she did not feel the same way. She did however agree to go as just a friend. Which in all honesty I respected her decision to not reciprocate those feelings and made peace with it rather instantly. Thing is when Formal came and as soon as we arrived at the venue, she pretty much ignored me the whole night.

Now don't get me wrong. She certainly didn't owe it to me to talk to me. And I had even told her that I didn't want her to feel obligated to go if she didn't want to.

But I always ask myself: Why?

Why did I invest myself into this person who was in no way invested into me?

Why did I not try to find someone who would have actually wanted to go with me?

Why did I allow myself to be treated so poorly when I could easily have found someone who would've been more receptive to me and would actually have at least tried to have a good time with me?

Why would this person waste my time like that and why did I allow it?

Why did she agree to go with me (even as a "friend") if she was just gonna blow me off the entire night? What? Out of pity?

Why did I even go to that stupid formal to begin with?

Why did I even like this girl (that I really want know)?

Why did I not just take a taxi home and just abandon that event altogether? I didn't even drive that night.

Why does this bother me so much? Even 8 years later? No wait I know the answer to that...

It's not even her that's the problem. It's me. I'm totally embarrassed to say that I waited for her that entire night just to chat and have a good time. No agenda. No games. She already made it clear she wasn't attracted to me. I took the hint and at least tried to be amicable.

**** me.

That whole night was so beta on my part it makes me sick thinking about it.