Another MLS Journal :p

[Why So Serious?]

@Shannon
Thanks for the compliment. Thought my journal was far from enjoyable.

Woke up and in middle of the night and thought I was going to go crazy at any moment. Then I remembered that quote "Insanity is doing the same thing expecting a different result"(can't remember who said it). I finally understand what that means now. I am happy and depressed because it's crystal clear. I need to change.

I read the 2nd habit of 7 habits of Highly Effective people. I realized I don't live by any of my values. That would be because of fear. I want to be this kind,helpful,loving person but once again to scared to do it. I feel like a bag of contradictions. I want to give yet I horde. I want to be loving but all I see the bad in people. Helping people nah to selfish to do that. All this because once again fear.

Also I think about men a lot lately. I thought it had nothing to do learning about myself but it does. I need to get out there and see that their are more guy's who are better for me out there. Been stuck on a couple of guy's. One I haven't called in months. Feeling pretty guilty about it, but at the same time it doesn't feel like it's that big of a deal. We weren't in that kind of relationship, so I don't know why I still worry about it.

It seems like I need something to worry or stress about. It doesn't matter whether it's real or imagined. Why? I don't know yet, maybe boredom, maybe to feel something. I notice I move from one worry or stress to the next. Oh I get it now I feel like I don't deserve to be happy.Makes sense but doesn't make sense at the same time.

[Nox]

Happiness/positive actions and unhappiness/negative actions are like a teeter totter (see saw, whatever). It's not always one way or the other, you bounce back and forth. So don't expect to care about people all of the time and never be negative or selfish. You just try to feed the kid on the happy side more than the unhappy side. At first it's an even ride. But pretty soon you've got a fat happy kid just wrecking the show and a scrawny negative kid trying to fight him for leverage. Scrawny negative kid doesn't stand a chance lol

No advice on the dudes. I've never had a boyfriend.

[Shannon]

Woke up and in middle of the night and thought I was going to go crazy at any moment. Then I remembered that quote "Insanity is doing the same thing expecting a different result"(can't remember who said it). I finally understand what that means now. I am happy and depressed because it's crystal clear. I need to change.

That is a quote of one of my inspirations, Albert Einstein.

Of course that means people are insane when they use some sort of random number generator, but...

Sounds like EHPRA 2.0 is in order. :angel: Just sayin'...

[Why So Serious?]

@ Nox
You're right balance is the key. I hope it doesn't sound like I want to be that way all the time. Trust me I don't. I do need to find my balance though because right now I'm extremely negative.
To be honest I haven't had a boyfriend either. This was a friends with benefits/bootycall relationship.

@Shannon
Well........ I feel embarrassed for misusing that quote. Albert Einstein is probably rolling in his grave.
When I get some extra cash I'll buy it.


I learned that I need a job with more variety. I go in and do the same thing over and over again. It's so mind-numbingly boring. I like when I put on a project and figured out a formula to use in excel. It was frustrating because I had no clue what I was doing and google was no help. I eventually figured it out thought looking at the formulas used in payroll and made my own. That's the kind of stuff I want to do when working not playing it safe all the time.

One of my goals from earlier was to save up money and get a new car. While I did save up a bit it' still not enough. If I could take a guess it's probably running back and forth to doctors offices. Speaking of that got another appointment this week. This is getting really frustrating.

[Why So Serious?]

Earlier today I got a glimpse of what it would feel to worry about stuff so much. So relaxing. Unfortunately someone came in started talking about their family drama. Ruined my zen man.
I had no clue that I took on others peoples problems until that happened.

Just realized that I was making art my career for the wrong reasons. Well reason and that would be attention. As I said I'll still draw but I'm doing it for my own enjoyment, possibly part-time. Now it feels like I got a couple of more options, a tad bit more freedom.

Oh yeah, almost forgot to mention that I sabotage myself a lot. Every time I'm on to something I do something stupid to mess it up.
For some odd reason I can't think of any examples and I had thought about a lot earlier. Hmmmmm

[Why So Serious?]

Last night while getting ready to take a shower I remembered the movie Howl's Moving Castle.

My procrastination seems to stem from fear. All these years I thought I should just focus on getting rid of procrastination when really it went deeper than that.



I was clinging onto the internet last night as if my life depended on it. Then I had a another realization that I don't have to hide from myself anymore.

See when I'm on the internet I hang around the comments section and forums looking at what other folks have to say. I internalize what said so that I don't have an opinion or a personality. I do the same thing in real life I don't speak a lot nor do I really put myslef out there. Whatever is said I usually assume it's right. I don't think to much during conversations because once again don't want to put myself out there. I'm usually in daze when someone is talking and getting worse. I wonder why I'm scared of having my own voice. (I hope that makes sense)

Also I'm just figuring out that my emotional state has a lot to do with how I learn.
Maybe why my results are so different from the other journals. Then again I'm the only one actively posting about MLS.

[Why So Serious?]

Nah...... it's from an online comic.

Both of those movies are pretty good.

[Nox]

Last night while getting ready to take a shower I remembered the movie Howl's Moving Castle.

My procrastination seems to stem from fear. All these years I thought I should just focus on getting rid of procrastination when really it went deeper than that.



I was clinging onto the internet last night as if my life depended on it. Then I had a another realization that I don't have to hide from myself anymore.

See when I'm on the internet I hang around the comments section and forums looking at what other folks have to say. I internalize what said so that I don't have an opinion or a personality. I do the same thing in real life I don't speak a lot nor do I really put myslef out there. Whatever is said I usually assume it's right. I don't think to much during conversations because once again don't want to put myself out there. I'm usually in daze when someone is talking and getting worse. I wonder why I'm scared of having my own voice. (I hope that makes sense)

Also I'm just figuring out that my emotional state has a lot to do with how I learn.
Maybe why my results are so different from the other journals. Then again I'm the only one actively posting about MLS.

Helps dissolve fear of learning, recall and/or recall-dependent situations (tests, etc.), and helps replace it with enjoyment in learning and demonstrating what has been learned.

Helps any fear, guilt or shame that might impede learning and recall be neutralized.

Recall of memories from all five senses, plus emotional experiences, is enhanced.

Helps dissolve faulty beliefs that disrupt or prevent ease of learning and recall, and learning at maximum speed.

Sounds like you're experiencing what the subliminal is designed to do. We all tend to focus on what we think we're gonna get as opposed to what the process of getting it entails. You're clearing out some baggage. You're doing an awesome job. I'm sorry the road is a bit bumpier than the map made it look. You'll get it through it and you'll be better at the end.

[Why So Serious?]

Today is really odd. I'm not sure if this is resistance or not. I get this feeling that whatever decision I make with switching the subs today could either make or break me. Like whatever decision I make today could dictate my life direction. Now I have had days where I wanted to change subs but never anything like this. I woke up Friday first thing in morning with a loud internal voice screaming that I need to switch. Of course I shrugged it off. My journal is full of hints but I'm not that far from finishing.

I guess it makes sense to change because everything I have typed in this journal has to do with fear and emotional stuff. At the same time just two and half more weeks of MLS and I'll hit the 3 month mark. For some odd reason I feel like an absolute failure if I keep on going with MLS. The things I wanted to learn I'm not learning. My goals have completely changed, and I'm still falling behind on what needs to get done.

With all that said it terrifies me to switch to EHPRA. I thought it was because of money but really it's fear of change. I don't know what going to happen once I start or what kind of person I'll become. The fear will be there even when I finish MLS at the 3 month mark.

I don't know but I need to make a decision before I go to bed.

[Nox]

Today is really odd. I'm not sure if this is resistance or not. I get this feeling that whatever decision I make with switching the subs today could either make or break me. Like whatever decision I make today could dictate my life direction. Now I have had days where I wanted to change subs but never anything like this. I woke up Friday first thing in morning with a loud internal voice screaming that I need to switch. Of course I shrugged it off. My journal is full of hints but I'm not that far from finishing.

I guess it makes sense to change because everything I have typed in this journal has to do with fear and emotional stuff. At the same time just two and half more weeks of MLS and I'll hit the 3 month mark. For some odd reason I feel like an absolute failure if I keep on going with MLS. The things I wanted to learn I'm not learning. My goals have completely changed, and I'm still falling behind on what needs to get done.

With all that said it terrifies me to switch to EHPRA. I thought it was because of money but really it's fear of change. I don't know what going to happen once I start or what kind of person I'll become. The fear will be there even when I finish MLS at the 3 month mark.

I don't know but I need to make a decision before I go to bed.

You're not a failure. You're a human willingly putting themself through more than most people will ever attempt to. Because you're getting better. You got this.

I can't tell you how to make your decision but consider a number of things. Do you want to switch out of fear of where you're going with MLS? Are you afraid of something specifically? Are you just afraid?

Having a goal to hit the 3 month mark is good, but why does that goal exist? Yes 3 months is recommended, but are you clinging to it as an excuse? You've already shown that you're able to stick to it. Don't make a decision because you're afraid of where you are or are not going. Make a decision based on where you want to go.

Edit: oh, and don't worry about what kind of person you'll become. that's a fear tactic we use on ourselves. You'll never really be able to comprehend what kind of a person you'll end up as, because you're not there. That's why it's so Important to make decisions based on what kind of person you already are. Believe in yourself now, not who you might or might not be later.

[Why So Serious?]

Do you want to switch out of fear of where you're going with MLS?

Not that I know of. I'm more scared of EHPRA.

Are you afraid of something specifically? Are you just afraid?

Depressed but not scared. The depression is going away slowly

Having a goal to hit the 3 month mark is good,why does that goal exist?

It's recommend if I want somewhat decent results.

are you clinging to it as an excuse?

Most likely. I'm learning a lot about myself but I haven't really done anything about it. It's good to know stuff but if I doing anything with that knowledge it's useless. And you gotta admit I've been running in circles thinking I came with something new about myself when it's really revolves around fear,guilt or shame. Kinda gets old after awhile.
There is a little bit of a chance that I may learn how to deal with these fears in the next couple of weeks.:angel:

I just understood that last paragraph. Maybe it was good thing I forgot to respond to it earlier.

[Nox]

Do you want to switch out of fear of where you're going with MLS?

Not that I know of. I'm more scared of EHPRA.

Are you afraid of something specifically? Are you just afraid?

Depressed but not scared. The depression is going away slowly

Having a goal to hit the 3 month mark is good,why does that goal exist?

It's recommend if I want somewhat decent results.

are you clinging to it as an excuse?

Most likely. I'm learning a lot about myself but I haven't really done anything about it. It's good to know stuff but if I doing anything with that knowledge it's useless. And you gotta admit I've been running in circles thinking I came with something new about myself when it's really revolves around fear,guilt or shame. Kinda gets old after awhile.
There is a little bit of a chance that I may learn how to deal with these fears in the next couple of weeks.:angel:

Being scared of EHPRA makes sense. It'll start digging.

If you're getting better then you might be on the right track!

The three months is a beginner estimate. It may very well take longer. I was planning 6 months on MLS to make sure it stuck.

There is no need to make up your mind tonight. It sounds like you want the 3 months on MLS but also want to do EHPRA 2.0. Plan on doing that with some break time in between. It might be best to do it that way. Just whatever you want to do, do it because you think it'll be the most beneficial.

[Why So Serious?]

That feeling went away. I think it had something to listening to more hours than usual.
I was planning on doing MLS for six months but three will do. I got so much emotional stuff going on which wasn't expected. I was hoping to be a learning machine picking up anything I wanted to learn with ease but that didn't go as planned.

[Nox]

That feeling went away. I think it had something to listening to more hours than usual.
I was planning on doing MLS for six months but three will do. I got so much emotional stuff going on which wasn't expected. I was hoping to be a learning machine picking up anything I wanted to learn with ease but that didn't go as planned.

Maybe you're just having to start out as an emotional learning machine before you get to the other stuff