Ampers&d: The Year of the Alpha (Male 6.0)

[Ampersnd]

Stage 3, Day 23,

My first client today was extremely rude, and it threw me off. I slipped up at the very beginning, so I thought she was reacting to that. After a while, I realized that it was just her shtick. I was pretty sweaty during this time, but I stuck it out.

My preceptor told me afterwards that the lady was looking upset and emotional, so her lashing out was her defense mechanism, and she wanted to make me squirm because she was uncomfortable. I even think that it might have to do with the fact that I'm a stripping young lad, and she's a woman in her late 50s who's not getting any (yes, I read that on her file hehe).

I recovered from that, and I'll make sure to center myself before entering any situation with a client, and plan for the worst. I need to make sure that I calibrate their motivation.

Anyways, the day went well, and I saw another client, which went well. I got home, and went to get my hair cut. When I went to get my hair cut in February, there was a woman in her 40s who did it; it was her again. I got a great haircut which looks similar to Brad Pitt's hair cut from 'Fury', except the short hair is a 1/4 inch longer to be acceptable at work.

I finished pMemory lesson 53; I've got 6 left to go.

[Ampersnd]

Stage 3, Day 24,

I'm on a greyhound bus for an overnight bus ride home. Work went well, I'm on track for passing this internship. I'm getting a concession for the crappy hand I've been deal for my first internship.

At the gym, I kept looking at this blonde girl, and figured I'd just go for it.
I observed; "whatever is on tv, it must be good, cause you're just standing there", she responded positively and we had a 10-15 minute conversation with her. I still made sure that she knew why I was there (by vibe). I ask "are you single?" And that really polarized the interaction. I have her number now.

I need to sleep so that my night isn't screwed up

[Ampersnd]

Stage 3, Day 25,

Got home around 7:45am. I told myself that I was awake enough to take on the day, but "let's lay down for a few minutes". I slept until 1:15pm.

Spent the rest of the day relaxing and recovering from that weird night. Did pMemory, playing guitar and piano, though my nervous system was fried so I couldn't get a good sound to come out.

The girl from yesterday is asking for my last name and my age without me bringing it up. I gave her my last name, and for age, I reply: "Old enough.. Guess first" I think she might like me!

I wrote out a plan for the second quarter. This should make my life into a fun game again.

After this run of AM is done, I might do 'Stop Stuttering', as it's an extrinsic factor to me feeling 100% comfortable and confident in various situations; languages, dating, social life, professional life. It affects the words I choose. Even though I have very complex ideas in my noggin, I can't quite put them out there in the ether for others to understand them.

[SargeMaximus]

After this run of AM is done, I might do 'Stop Stuttering', as it's an extrinsic factor to me feeling 100% comfortable and confident in various situations; languages, dating, social life, professional life. It affects the words I choose. Even though I have very complex ideas in my noggin, I can't quite put them out there in the ether for others to understand them.

Just a thought here, but stuttering might not be that big a deal, especially if you can learn to flow with it.

I was recently working with a guy who's quite successful in sales and he was very captivating and engaging. Throughout the training eventually he's like "Have you guys noticed my stuttering problem?" and it's true, we hadn't, but after he told us how he learned to live with it, it was clear as day he stuttered, but the point is: it didn't matter because he had learned to live with and incorporate it into his life.

Just a thought.

[Ampersnd]

@SargeMaximus; I could make it work for me. And in many ways, I have found ways to make it work for me. But I can easily feel its impacts on me. Sometimes, it's totally undetectable and I feel in the flow. At other times, it's very clear it's there and frustrating to me.

Stage 3, Day 26

Day at my parent's house; nothing major happened.
In the evening, I went to play pool with my two friends.
It was weird to notice my one friend, who was taken, attempting to crack jokes and flirt with the waitresses. And it had me cringe a little bit. I understand much more how guys are missing the point when it comes to flirting with women.

I'll be refining my quarter goals. Should be starting them April 8.

[Ampersnd]

Stage 3, Day 27,

Had a terrible night's sleep; I had fever dreams (delirious), so I felt like I was doing something involved while dreaming, but I actually wasn't. This time, I dreamed that I was doing measurements for bodybuilders (measuring their biceps, legs, etc.), but I was shifting positions in my bed as though I was doing it. Needless to say, moving around when you're supposed to rest is exhausting.

Woke up feeling terrible. Had a fever of 104 F. My muscles felt as though I were an 80 year old man; very weak and very unstable. Over the course of the day, it got a bit better. I'm now down to 97.

Had a few family members over for Easter. It was pleasant, but afterwards, my family went in depth about the other half of the family (absent), and how they're a trainwreck, and headed in a worse direction.

I got to see Groundhog Day today. Great movie.

[Ampersnd]

Stage 3, Day 28,

Took most of the day to bus home.
I did pMemory lessons 57 and 58, as they are very short, and put together, they make up about the effort required for one lesson. After tomorrow, I'll be done, and I'll be able to put pMemory into practice.

I'm finalizing the points for the checklist system that I'll be following in Quarter 2; I've resolved to throw in what might be the most difficult goals for me, which is reducing my online time to the point of cutting it out. This means YouTube, Facebook, controversial articles, comments sections, and yes, even Subliminal Talk. Starting Stage 4, I believe I'll be posting a weekly update instead of a daily update in order to save what likely amounts to an hour every week. That doesn't seem like a lot, but it pushes back the time I go to bed by at least 10 minutes, as well as looking at other peoples' threads, and all the emotional responses it might evoke in me. I'll probably set aside one day a week to indulge in all the distracting stuff.

Why?

I'm realizing that distraction is my Achilles' heel; not only does it dilute my efforts for my goals, it eats up so much time, and it also dulls me to whatever dissatisfactions I have with my life. I've gotten good at adding habits to my life, but removing something that has been present in my life for many years may be a challenge.

This is not only an indicator of discipline to be able to do this, but also will help me focus, help me work on what matters, and it is practice for the "real world", when I'll be self-employed, and no one will be looking over my shoulder. As far as I'm concerned, this could start this Wednesday, when I'm transitioning to new habits.

On day 8 of noFap. At times, it's hard to tell if I'm horny, or just have to pee.

[Ampersnd]

Stage 3, Day 29,

Slept for 11 hours, yet woke up sick as a dog. I was certain that I would be sent home. As the hours went on at work, I started feeling better and better.

In the morning hours, I was able to complete my final lesson of pMemory; I'm very proud of myself for being able to do that. Will be transitioning to Quarter 2 tomorrow, although I don't feel psychologically prepared for it, as it's a big shift in habits.

Some new habits will include:
- Key Sound Multiple Orgasm training, just 20 minutes, 3 times a week, but noFap will intensity the effects, and deliberate masturbation will make noFap require much more discipline.

- Job searching, so that I have opportunities lined up when I finish college

- Learning new songs for gigging at pubs and clubs; I can conceivably learn the lyrics of 10 songs every 4 days using pMemory, which makes up about 70 songs in one month without trying that hard. I'm skilled enough at guitar and voice to not need to train for each song; if I know the words and I'm familiar with the melody, that's good enough. By the way, it takes roughly 13-15 songs to fill out a set, so this method is very effective.

- No Facebook, YouTube, distracting websites, non-purpose related websites, or Subliminal-Talk on weekdays. Emails, I still have to check daily. I was going to restrict myself to one day a week, but that's not any fun. This is probably going to be the hardest change, especially when I want to unplug and just watch something entertaining.

I might cut myself some slack tomorrow, as I'm sick and I can't go to the gym. But I could still spend that time learning songs, so still intolerant to excuses (heh AM6 promises to "kill excuses")

So if you don't hear from me tomorrow, don't panic; I'm cutting back my online distractions. Unfortunately, this website is very distracting for me.

Gonna go to bed to recharge; if I do it now, I'll get 9 hours to recharge.

[Ampersnd]

Stage 3 is complete. I've been listening to Stage 4 for the past couple of hours.

I really liked Stage 3; I'm a bit tired to list all the benefits that it's given me, but I'm noticing that my commitments are ramping up. Integrity is something that I work to maintain; in my eyes, it's the opposite of flakiness.

Momentum from previous efforts are starting to give me extra confidence and self-trust that I'll be able to take on bigger and bigger goals. I'm just tough enough on myself to get things done, but flexible enough to forgive myself for any mistakes.

I'm disciplined enough to build big momentum, but flexible enough to let new moments come in. I instantly accepted a brief family outing, simply because I knew it would be fun and filled with good emotions.

I'm becoming very good at discovering my faults; sometimes I'm hypersensible, which leads me freeze up in the moment. This leads me to being bad at giving education sessions to emotional youth. I'm very empathetic to their grief, so I struggle to calibrate in the moment.

I feel like a more emotionally integrated person, already a better person than I was at the start of this program, I'm unlocking my sense of humour through contemplation. This is all very exciting stuff. I'll post more tomorrow, as it'll still be Saturday.

[Ampersnd]

Stage 4, Day 1,

Shit, I realized that I didn't get any video in for the 3rd stage; life just happened, and it all flew by.

Today was my day off from needing to avoid Youtube and distracting video; so I watched a few of them, and enjoyed the day. I sold some books of mine, and returned the classical guitar I had borrowed to make room for when I move.

Stage 4 seems to have given me an emotional shield against bad feelings; I watched Forrest Gump, and last summer, it had me bawling all over the place. Now, it's as if my brain acknowledged: "this is sad" but I wasn't affected by it the same way as before.

I was extremely horny, so I broke my noFap rule again. It must have to do with the new stage. I hit a whole new level of appreciation for the feminine form. I read various articles about the experience of being an ugly woman, from women who consider themselves 'ugly'. It did open my eyes, and not take for granted the fact that I've dated women that I'm very attracted to, and they are usually attractive to others. Life is cruel in many ways to most people, so I shouldn't contribute to that.

[Ampersnd]

Stage 4, Day 2,

Last day at work. Last date with my girlfriend/sex partner. We had really good sex, but it was sad that it had to end. After we got dressed, she started sobbing. I still have that emotional shield up; I can still feel, but it's keeping me from being a leaf in the wind. Still, I'm gonna miss her; we wished the best for each other. I was able to put something funny on and laugh.

Not a whole lot to report; I'm using pMemory to learn entire resources for my job, so that I can apply them during sessions with clients. It's going alright, but it requires time and some focus. Taking the week off of YouTube and Facebook again.

[Ampersnd]

Stage 4, Day 8,

What should I talk about? Now that I'm restricting my use of this site, it's harder to be general.

- I memorized a bunch of documents relating to diabetes.
- I haven't worked for a week, though I've been there twice
- I bought harmonicas and a tambourine for when I start gigging.
- My work friend came over tonight; we drank beers and watched Terminator. I showed him some elements of pMemory, and he was blown away.
- I notice that I'm in at least a decent mood most of the time. I catch myself smiling a lot; a slight smile is my default facial position;
- Work is going well; I'm definitely improving, though I feel like I'm getting stuck on similar roadblocks.

[Geodude]

Nothing beats drinking beer and watching Terminator. Here in TX, we drink beer and start fires.

[Ampersnd]

I'll add things to this list that I forgot:

- one of the doctors at the client is trying to set me up with her daughter. It all started when she said that her daughter wouldn't settle for any man shorter than her. I retorted by starting I wouldn't date a woman uglier than me. She responds by going, almost in an angry way: "Oh, my daughters good looking! You two should get together!"