Ampers&d: The Year of the Alpha (Male 6.0)

[Ampersnd]

Stage 1, Day 3,
Plays: 50 plays

I felt good the first half of the day.
I plowed through my day plan much faster today. At work, I became extremely tired and emotionally wobbly; resistance in its truest form. I didn't do any tapping, which seemed like the right thing to do.

[Dee]

lol, its the funniest thing, its like trying not to scratch an itch sometimes, feel a negative emotion, think to self "Let me tap on that, oh wait I can't, the guys on subliminal-talk will be mad at me"

[Ampersnd]

Stage 1, Day 4,

It's 9pm, I've been up 14 hours, I've done everything I wanted to do for the day, and then some, and I'm bored out of my mind!

My thoughts are a bit jumbled today, where I'm questioning what I want. The best example is with my wanting multiple sexual relationships, and thinking, "is that really what I want?". But I also think that it's because I've had to put so much effort just to meet and seduce ONE.

I'm using Tinder, and I've had only a few matches, and MOST of them were spam bots. In fact, I have yet to exchange words with a real woman over that site.

Meh, I have to find more to get enthused about and wait for bedtime. In the meantime, I think I'll buy and read some of BlackDragon's ebook.

EDIT: One more thing. Today, I was contemplating whether I was missing some major piece of the puzzle regarding being attractive to women and having sexual and dating success. Not out of insecurity or despair, more of a question of "unconscious incompetence"; that is to say if there's something I don't know, and I don't know what it is, then it would be virtually invisible to me.

[Ampersnd]

Had a weird dream: We (myself and family) were at a house, then some people visited, then an older woman (60s +) led me downstairs and asked me to do something illegal. I refused.

Then, I meet a pretty, fit blonde. She says that they all landed by airplane (the type that can land in water masses), that the plane was empty, and that if we'd split and take a canoe to the plane (for some reason in the middle of the lake), we'd have sex inside of it.

We decide to go over, and then, she freaks out, because there are police boats stripping the plane, and taking out huge packs of white stuff (coke, heroin). So she has me land (we weren't spotted), and then the rest was fuzzy. Something along the lines of running from people, but trying to go home.

[Ampersnd]

Stage 1, Day 5,
Plays: 84 (already!)

I accomplished a lot today; I'm still experiencing some boredom, mostly the space where my 3 hours of class + commute will fill up in 4 days. I'm getting up earlier each day; I had to force myself out of bed on Monday at 7am, now, I'm setting the clock for 6:40am. It's almost a fun game as to how I can optimize my day little by little.

The tradeoff is that I don't feel very masculine or present in the morning.

I've been experimenting with sex transmutation while songwriting, as to where I stimulate my mind with the idea of sex (perhaps the sprinkle-covered breasts, or something vanilla of the sort), then I close myself into my bathroom (which has no mirrors), and try to stay horny while thinking of the song I want to work on. It's worked pretty well on the one song I've been working on, but progress is still slow. Thankfully, I'm getting into the daily habit, or else it'd be arduously slow.

In the evening, a group of 8 got together to play some cards and board games. I pulled an Alpha 2.0 moment (from BlackDragon's book), where my female friend yelled at me one too many times (those board/card games can get pretty intense), so I politely decided to leave shortly. No bitterness, no yelling, no storming off. Just separating myself from the situation.

Speaking of which, I need a bunch of new friends. High quality, driven, upwardly mobile people.

[Leo1990]

what have you been listening to? Masked or ultrasonic?

I still feel a little skeptical about listening to ultra sonic at night. Should I be?

[Ampersnd]

Masked; not risking anything.

[Ampersnd]

This morning, I had a dream that I was in this bigger house with my family, plus this attractive woman (we knew each other). I think it was my family visiting hers. We kept trying to sneak away from the main family to find a room so that she would blow me. We find a big room with no furniture, and she gets on her knees, and we're about to unbutton my pants.

Then, my parents are ready to leave, and they're looking for me. I run out of the room, and think I'm same. Then my dad catches me with my pants unbuttoned. I scramble for some lame excuse. That's where it ends.

[Dee]

lol. Funny as hell. I also had dreams where I would be ready for penetration and my mum or sister, or some momentum killing person would walk in and the dream ends or I would hear her voice and the dream would change and the like, it happened quite a lot.

Whats really screwed up is in those dreams, Its like it was really happening in real life, so lucid, even better than real life; I'll be all excited evening thinking to my self how good its going to be when I get in there, and start humping Jessica Alba, then guess who decides to make a guess appearance. Woke up in the next morning p*issed off at my mum for no reason, or at least that's how she saw it.

[Ampersnd]

Stage 1, Day 6,

Got up at 6:40am. At the gym, a certain young woman caught my eye. She has a cute face, and a cute little body, but then I look at her butt, and.. BOOM! She was also squating. Gotta talk to her.

I start talking to her while she's walking to the locker room. We hit it off a little bit, but she seems a bit iffy. After a brief pause, she asks: "can I have your number?" I add her in; I made the mistake of not texting myself. Maybe she forgot, maybe intentionally, but that's a bit dumb because she knows that we have a similar workout schedule.

I perhaps did the most important thing for my life; I wrote up my 'Code of Conduct' and 'Plan of Action' from BlackDragon's book. I already have a 'Mission Statement', so I didn't need to make one. I made of list of things that I want to achieve, prioritized by how much I wanted it, sorted them from 1, 3, 5, 10, and 25 years, and determined the top two goals that can be accomplished within 3 years. Everything seems so clear now.

The only thing is that I can't work on those 2 specific goals before I graduate, so I'll completely win at the 3rd and 4th goals for the next 6 months.

At work, I started getting a sense of anger. So glad I'm letting it stew, because now I know why that is. It's partially dissatisfaction with where I'm at in life, and what life is handing me. Best example: my manager, by the same first name, is a very centered, un-reactive, calm, deliberate guy. If it were on a spectrum, he's much more 'alpha' than me.

When I'm near this one girl at work, she works to make conversation with me. The other one laughs at my jokes. When other Dan is around, it's like daddy's home; he's the center of attention, and his non-reactiveness makes whatever hilarious to them. If he makes a comment, or points something out, they'll make a huge effort to lean in and participate.

This enraged me for some reason, because it shows what's possible, and it showed me that I'm not living up to it, or living it. It also showed me that I didn't get everything I needed from my first run, and that I'm a dumb-dumb for eagerly jumping into Sex Magnet.

[Leo1990]

I think a lot of what you project is how you view yourself. Other part is maturity.

I don't really know how to put it but the older you are the less of a big deal things become. Start seeing patterns.

Hang in there.

[Ampersnd]

@LeoistheSun; don't know what you mean. More specifically, which part of my post you're commenting about. Do you possibly mean my anger over my manager getting all the female attention?

Stage 1, Day 7

A whole week so far.

Slept in today, and I don't blame myself. Work was very fast paced. I'm feeling much more kickass; I'm pushing out much more masculine energy, and my body seems to have pumped up 5% bigger than I remember it looking. Long story short, I'm becoming pretty buff.

Tonight, I watched a 2-hour documentary on the Freedom Riders, who intentionally went to the deep South and broke the 'rules' that segregationalists have set it place. Their strength and conviction in coming up with that decision brings tears to my eyes, even as I write about it now. It truly puts into perspective how small my problems are, and how easy they could be accomplished if I make a solid decision and stick to it.

The movie highlighted in my mind an idea that I don't hear expressed much; that people are willing to hurt, torture, maim, and kill, simply to maintain the integrity of a belief that they hold, no matter how inhumane, outlandish, or incredulous it would appear on the outside. These are beliefs that are driven into one's mind, usually before the age of 7, with little to no counter-evidence. Tackling inequality at the belief level seems to be the true solution to ending this issue, once and for all.

Having a purpose and making a true decision is a game changer; you see every element in the background very different, even though it's exactly the same as it was before. Trivial pressures and conflicts mean next to nothing. I've caught hints and glimpses of this experience, and it is very real.

[Ampersnd]

Stage 1, Day 8,

The days seem like they're going by very slow; 8 days ago seem like such a long time ago.

A few days ago, I found out the I'll be staying in my city until April, and then I'm moving to another city one hour away for a work term.

I got up, and soon enough, I was at work. It went by so slow, but it finally ended. I figured out the logistic with my date (I've seen her 6-7 times by now). She arrives a bit late, but we pick right back up after a month, and soon enough, I'm aggressively undressing her.

Whoa! I had no idea how much more aggressive I'd be in sexing her; I pounded away for a large portion of the time. I brought out a different woman out of her, and she loved it. I didn't even do it like this during SM3!

After we finish, we grab a big meal downtown, and come back to my apartment, and do it again. I completely demolish her, and I also try out a bunch of new positions; the one where you're standing out and she's straddling, also standing 69, and a few others. She was absolutely ecstatic about it.

I'm going to sleep well, and hit the gym tomorrow as usual.

[TheChosenOne]

This is what happens when your life goals are in alignment with the subs instructions. Feel like I'm reading a whole 'nother person's journal...