Alpha Male take two

[Cortez]

Perhaps you need a little chaos in your life. That's the antidote to OCD. Learn how to not give a f*ck in any way you can. I can certainly mention some ways that helped me stop being like that. I won't mention all of them because some of them are illegal, but it all involves leaping outside your comfort zone instead of edging your way out of it.

[mat422]

Perhaps you need a little chaos in your life. That's the antidote to OCD. Learn how to not give a f*ck in any way you can. I can certainly mention some ways that helped me stop being like that. I won't mention all of them because some of them are illegal, but it all involves leaping outside your comfort zone instead of edging your way out of it.

Maybe. I can't say for certain if that would help me or not because I've come to realize I don't understand half the stuff that goes on in my mind. But more than likely it probably would. My problem is the same problem I've had for a good portion of my life. I can't conquer fear in a single leap, every little change just sends me over the edge and then I just come crawling back to my comfort zone, sometimes in a worse place than before. I'll never understand how people can do it. It's so stupid when I think of how I behave and how fear is nothing but a creation of my own mind. It's like standing in a room and seeing your goal clearly, but an invisible barrier just keeps knocking you back.

The whole thing is surreal when I just look at my life. I'm going to try to not give a f*ck as much, just start realizing that half the crap I think of in my head isn't of importance. Right now I'm not in a good mental state, but instead of trying to figure out why I'm just going to stop caring and do whatever I feel like doing.

[Shannon]

Cortez, for some of us, "leaping outside your comfort zone" is far more traumatic than for others, and can cause lifelong scars. People like myself and Mat have typically become this way because we were "thrown" out of our comfort zones at least a few times when we were young, and genuinely needed the security it provided. Remember that not everyone will be affected the same way by what works for any one person.

Having grown a huge amount in the last five or six years myself, certainly more than I ever imagined I would, and primarily because of the Alpha set, I would say that my comfort zone now is miles further out, metaphorically speaking, than it used to be. That wasn't a quick transition, but with repeated use of the AM set and a steadfast refusal to be mistreated and trying to do the right thing, I got here and I'm still trucking. Just follow in my footsteps, Mat. Slow and steady wins the race. It won't happen overnight, but it will happen.

[Cortez]

Cortez, for some of us, "leaping outside your comfort zone" is far more traumatic than for others, and can cause lifelong scars. People like myself and Mat have typically become this way because we were "thrown" out of our comfort zones at least a few times when we were young, and genuinely needed the security it provided. Remember that not everyone will be affected the same way by what works for any one person.

Having grown a huge amount in the last five or six years myself, certainly more than I ever imagined I would, and primarily because of the Alpha set, I would say that my comfort zone now is miles further out, metaphorically speaking, than it used to be. That wasn't a quick transition, but with repeated use of the AM set and a steadfast refusal to be mistreated and trying to do the right thing, I got here and I'm still trucking. Just follow in my footsteps, Mat. Slow and steady wins the race. It won't happen overnight, but it will happen.

I was the same way, though. Perhaps my path was a little rockier than it needed to be and still is at times. Your way probably is the safe bet for him, but I thought I'd give a little outside perspective.

[mat422]

Cortez, for some of us, "leaping outside your comfort zone" is far more traumatic than for others, and can cause lifelong scars. People like myself and Mat have typically become this way because we were "thrown" out of our comfort zones at least a few times when we were young, and genuinely needed the security it provided. Remember that not everyone will be affected the same way by what works for any one person.

Having grown a huge amount in the last five or six years myself, certainly more than I ever imagined I would, and primarily because of the Alpha set, I would say that my comfort zone now is miles further out, metaphorically speaking, than it used to be. That wasn't a quick transition, but with repeated use of the AM set and a steadfast refusal to be mistreated and trying to do the right thing, I got here and I'm still trucking. Just follow in my footsteps, Mat. Slow and steady wins the race. It won't happen overnight, but it will happen.

Thanks Shannon, I needed that. I need to stop being so hung up on the future and just enjoy the present moment. I think the one thing that's been causing me anxiety was this second stage of alpha male. I can't tell if it's resistance or the sub itself, but I've just been more irritable and kind of confrontational. But looking back this is exactly how I felt on my first run through and I feel like I had the exact same worry of becoming a jerk or callous and uncaring.

To me it makes sense though. Being a really sensitive individual, I would expect myself to have trouble with adapting to the role of a jerk. It's essentially me becoming the very thing that hurts me the most. I have noticed that I've stood up for myself more when needed so I'm thankful for that though. Still I've never really been able to go full blown jerk like some people. I'm just hoping I'm not negating the effects of this stage.

But hell any small change is usually enough to cause me a great deal of stress, so it shouldn't come as a surprise that this sub is having the same effect. Sometimes I just forget that my mind is processing a lot and I shouldn't feel bad if some days I don't feel as good as others. After all there is a lot going on behind the scenes that I may not be consciously aware of and I have to take that into account.

[mat422]

So I got the results back from my bloodwork today. Turns out I have iron deficiency anemia. So I'm gonna be taking a multivitamin with iron and I'm going to see the doctor in another 6 weeks. Hopefully this will clear up some of the issues I've been having with fatigue.

Anyway, tonight's my last night of stage 2 so I'm pretty relieved that it's over. I don't know what it is about this stage but it hit me hard on my first run through as well. Overall I definitely noticed a lot more aggressive behavior from myself, which has it's place at times, but it was kind of overkill. For me, since I deal with social anxiety a lot, I tend to already be overly aggressive. My anxiety has definitely improved over the years and I rarely get a racing heart beat or intense nausea. However, I still have that very primal fight or flight response, which causes me to act out in aggression towards the fear. So I'm on edge a lot of the time, like someone is going to fight me or something, it's stupid.

But I have to give credit to this stage for pulling out my inner jerk because that has always been a little difficult for me. I know exactly what to do and say in situations so people respect me, so I'm grateful for that.

I'm not really going to rack my brain trying to detail all the changes from this stage, but it did its job. I've just been really tired lately so life has been kind of difficult for me and I've got sort of a brain fog going on. I'm sure once I start stage 3 I'll notice how different I feel.

[mat422]

Damn, stage 3 and stage 2 are like night and day. Or it could be because I've got less stress on my brain. I'm just trying to chill out and not worry so much about things. There are a lot more irresponsible people out there than me who are slackers and really don't try to do anything in life. But I always have this inner guilt about not doing anything. I don't have a plan for life and I guess that's what bothers me the most.

Most of all I doubt my own intelligence or downplay myself constantly. It Probably stems from childhood when I was ostracized as a kid for being smart. To me intelligence is such a relative term anyway. A car mechanic probably would have trouble programming in C++, but a programmer wouldn't know half the stuff a car mechanic does. I guess my problem is I haven't found anything that really makes me feel interested enough. Almost any career I get into involves people and it just gives me so much anxiety, which makes it hard to see me capable of any position.

But I think my biggest problem is I have trouble accepting the actual truth as opposed to the walls of negative beliefs I've built over the years. I've got a filtered view of reality and myself, that most other people don't even see.

More negativity for this journal, oh well. At least it serves as a place for me to vent and get these things off my mind. Hopefully things start looking up during stage 3. I try to be realistic, without getting too negative or too positive. I could lie to myself about these things, but the fake it till you make it strategy never worked in the long run. I find lying to yourself just makes the negative stronger because you don't face the reality of the situation. For better or for worse it is here and I acknowledge it without wallowing in it.

[mat422]

Haven't made a post in this journal in a while. Partly because I haven't had anything really happen to me. I'm keeping my own journal daily to see how my mood or thinking process changes as a kind of study. I'm unsure of whether or not the changes in my behavior are due to the subliminal or if problems I've always had are resurfacing. I think to some degree the lack of sunlight has been a problem for me, I feel like I go through this every winter. I've been waking up extremely depressed and have trouble getting out of my bed in the morning. It's always much worse in the morning, but gets a little better throughout the day. It's gotten to the point where I really hate going to sleep at night because I'll have to experience it again the next morning.

I've become somewhat irritable with everyone. I don't think it's the sub though. When people do something disrespectful or annoy the crap out of me and I set them straight, I know it's the sub. But being irritable just around people doesn't seem right. I've been hanging out with my friends and I have fun at times, but sometimes I feel like it's more of an obligation. I pretty much force myself to go out because isolating myself isn't the answer. I just feel like something is off and when I'm hanging out with them I'm not all there and I sometimes have to put on an act so they don't worry about me.

I might be talking out of my ass here, but I think this subliminal is in some ways a traumatic experience for me. This really only applies to me because I feel like I have tremendous trouble adjusting to change for some reason. I know that's a bad belief to hold onto, but I've seen it manifest in my life a lot. Despite the positive nature of the sub, I feel like it takes a tremendous toll on my mind.

I'm going to take a look at my old journal to see if any of my current thoughts or feelings reflect then. I've found despite my current state, my prior run through of alpha strengthened my willpower a lot and I'm able to pull myself out of a lot of negative states. I'm not one to roll over and complain about life expecting people to have pity on me. Nor do I give up and stop trying.

I'm just looking for answers and trying to dissect my own mind. So far I've gotten this. A lot of my social anxiety makes me feel inferior to people, which sucks. But those thoughts spawned at an early age and now I'm stuck in a feedback loop of this thinking. I believe the depression is only a side effect of my anxious disposition and the root IS in my subconscious mind. People are everywhere, in life it is essential that I'm comfortable around people, so it makes sense that a lot of that depression is a direct result of being unable to integrate with society. Basically I know the problem and understand it on such a deep level, but putting into action is just mind-boggling to me. I believe that's where a lot of my frustration comes from, which turns into a silent rage, which turns into depression. Sometimes I wonder if my knowledge about the problem causes me more stress than if I was just ignorant to it.

I looked up some personality disorders and avoidant personality disorder describes me perfectly. I originally thought I only had social anxiety, but I'm beginning to realize even though the anxiety isn't there as much, something is still preventing me from being comfortable with people. Regardless of what disorder I may fit, I don't treat it as a label. But it says a secondary symptom is dysthmia, a chronic less severe depression, which mistakenly gets internalized as part of your character sometimes because it is not severe enough. Good news is most studies show it's all environmental, so medication isn't necessary. So looking at things now I'm making progress compared to where I was without these subliminals.

[mat422]

So I threw disconnect from negativity within into the mix as suggested by Shannon. I don't know if it's too soon to notice, but I'm feeling a lot better. I think I kind of expected alpha to clear out a lot of my issues, but I probably need something in addition to it. I felt like alpha brought up these issues that were dormant and needed to be released. My brain is very logical and systematic so I wonder if my subconscious behaves in that manner as well. If alpha didn't touch on the things that were truly bothering me, then my subconscious might not have released it. Specific instructions might have been what I needed.

Lately I've been finding that if I entertain my mind with something else like a hobby I feel much better. It takes my mind off of a lot of stuff and grounds me for a while. It's not really a solution, but keeping my mind busy beats sitting around letting it run my life. In an ideal situation I should be able to sit still without having those negative feelings and thinking pop up, but that's simply not the case right now. I've tried meditation but I feel like I was expecting an outcome which I couldn't shake, defeats the whole purpose. I was basically meditating to get rid of an issue I had, but meditation definitely wasn't powerful enough. The subliminals do their job and I'm more content not dwelling on the issues and instead just try to enjoy life as much as I can.

[mat422]

Things have been strange these past few days to say the least. I'm not sure if it's alpha or disconnect from the negativity within making me feel this way. It could be a combination of both. Some days I'll be really good, productive, and have such a positive outlook. Then there are some other days where I just feel like a dark cloud just hovers above my head all day and I feel weighed down with emotions.

I can usually tell what kind of day it's going to be when I wake up in the morning. I dread the days where I feel bad because it makes it hard to focus on a lot of my college work. I feel like the disconnect from negativity within sub just pulls up all this stuff when I'm sleeping and I just get hit with it all at once when I wake up.

It's really intense and I don't know what to do sometimes. I feel like I should be able to easily disconnect from these emotions, but I also feel like I have to go through a kind of purge before they leave. I also try to not let things get to me, but sometimes I can't handle it and the negativity gets overwhelming.

I guess it's because I keep thinking I should be consciously doing something to disconnect from the emotions or pain, when it is really all up to my subconscious mind. After the purge I usually get some insight and it's like I can see more clearly. But during the purging of negativity I feel so helpless and see things in a distorted kind of way.

Also I've been away from the forum for a while. Going back to college is a little stressful and now that I'm nearing the end I have to start looking into finding a job or internship somewhere. I haven't had much energy for my own hobbies, let alone visiting this forum. I've just had this sense of impending doom that I have trouble shaking that puts a lot of stress on me.

[Ryan]

Oh man I know what you mean. When I wake up I usually have weird negative thoughts on my mind and then new ones pop-up throughout the day. It's odd. And I feel that black cloud too. It's not making me depressed but it makes me wonder "why am I in this weird mood and what is happening?"

Ryan

[Spiral]

Hey Mat, if it makes you feel any better the disconnect from negativity sub might just be what the doctor ordered. I can't wait to start it but I do understand that parts of the resistance could be rougher than anything else I've done such as SM and AM just because it's disconnect from negativity so I would expect alot of negative stuff coming up for another month. But you are taking care of it sooner than later and that's why I can't wait to get started on it. another 10 days then I'll use it for 2 months straight. Just quarantine the brain of that negative crap. I wish you the best in finding a job man and don't rush yourself or get too stressed out. And if you have to, take lots of naps. I slept all day last Sunday... but only do that if you are ok with it of course and if you have time to sleep away.

[Ryan]

Shannon did mention it was included in SM? It's actually not as bad yet as I thought it would be. Just annoying.

[Spiral]

Yea it is in SM but it wasn't a main focus... if I recall correctly.