03-05-2012, 07:59 PM
Haven't posted here in a while. Sometimes I feel like I should be keeping better track of my changes in this journal. But I'm all tied up with college and whatnot, I've barely got any time to do the stuff I really want to do. Then even when I've got time I've just been under so much stress. I often wonder if the Alpha sub was a bad decision to take on during the semester, but I really have no other alternative because it's a six month program. Also I've kind of fallen away from the community here on this forum. I feel like lately I don't have as much energy to even do the things I want to do, so everything feels like a chore.
Going through the motions would perfectly explain how I feel right now. I'm finishing up my last semester at this community college with a computer security and forensics A.A.S. degree. But I feel like I wasted my time and money. Sure I'm going to have some fancy degree under my name now, but I've felt a lot of the time I was never really learning or practicing hands on. Part of that is just how I hate the memorization and regurgitation of information, which is what most of college is. I mean I learned things, but I could have also learned those things by just reading the book, which is essentially what I did in my classes. I don't want to say college is a scam because it does have some involvement in building a foundation, but I hate how it's become absolutely necessary. The whole system just seems screwed up, everyone wants credentials and you have to pay just to get your foot in the door, and even then during college it's like a mini vacation where you prepare for the real world.
Lately I've just felt lost. Feeling direction-less is an incredibly frustrating feeling. I just feel like I'm ill-equipped for handling the real world and I've been doing my best to help myself with these subliminals. Everything just feels wrong and I can't tell if that's fear and me not wanting to push myself or if I need to find my own path. I feel like I pursued this degree more out of fear than genuine interest. The only reason I tend to be good with computers is because I have a compulsion to fix problems and I get hyper-focused until I can fix it.
I guess right now what I'm really doing is venting. I need this too. I think there's a lot of things that get stuck up in my head and buzz around there until I can see them in tangible form. Today I really realized how much pressure I put on myself to be more social or outgoing. Somedays the desire just isn't there and I'll admit that sometimes anxiety plays a factor, but through and through I am mostly an introvert. I just feel like all my life my own personality, my own character, who I essentially am, was downplayed by so many people constantly telling me I was too quiet. Having guilt for how I naturally am is like feeling I'm defective in some way. Or maybe I'm just labeling myself and fulfilling a role. But some people are just naturally more talkative, I've just never been that way. Describing why that is is like trying to explain why my hair is blond. It just is.
Lately I've just felt this disconnection from the world or maybe more confusion. It's just been like the movie The Matrix where Morpheus gives that analogy about the splinter in your mind. I feel like I've just been on this quest for an answer, but I still don't know the question. Maybe everyone feels like this and I just think I'm all alone.
Going through the motions would perfectly explain how I feel right now. I'm finishing up my last semester at this community college with a computer security and forensics A.A.S. degree. But I feel like I wasted my time and money. Sure I'm going to have some fancy degree under my name now, but I've felt a lot of the time I was never really learning or practicing hands on. Part of that is just how I hate the memorization and regurgitation of information, which is what most of college is. I mean I learned things, but I could have also learned those things by just reading the book, which is essentially what I did in my classes. I don't want to say college is a scam because it does have some involvement in building a foundation, but I hate how it's become absolutely necessary. The whole system just seems screwed up, everyone wants credentials and you have to pay just to get your foot in the door, and even then during college it's like a mini vacation where you prepare for the real world.
Lately I've just felt lost. Feeling direction-less is an incredibly frustrating feeling. I just feel like I'm ill-equipped for handling the real world and I've been doing my best to help myself with these subliminals. Everything just feels wrong and I can't tell if that's fear and me not wanting to push myself or if I need to find my own path. I feel like I pursued this degree more out of fear than genuine interest. The only reason I tend to be good with computers is because I have a compulsion to fix problems and I get hyper-focused until I can fix it.
I guess right now what I'm really doing is venting. I need this too. I think there's a lot of things that get stuck up in my head and buzz around there until I can see them in tangible form. Today I really realized how much pressure I put on myself to be more social or outgoing. Somedays the desire just isn't there and I'll admit that sometimes anxiety plays a factor, but through and through I am mostly an introvert. I just feel like all my life my own personality, my own character, who I essentially am, was downplayed by so many people constantly telling me I was too quiet. Having guilt for how I naturally am is like feeling I'm defective in some way. Or maybe I'm just labeling myself and fulfilling a role. But some people are just naturally more talkative, I've just never been that way. Describing why that is is like trying to explain why my hair is blond. It just is.
Lately I've just felt this disconnection from the world or maybe more confusion. It's just been like the movie The Matrix where Morpheus gives that analogy about the splinter in your mind. I feel like I've just been on this quest for an answer, but I still don't know the question. Maybe everyone feels like this and I just think I'm all alone.
