12-18-2011, 09:52 AM
Damn, stage 3 and stage 2 are like night and day. Or it could be because I've got less stress on my brain. I'm just trying to chill out and not worry so much about things. There are a lot more irresponsible people out there than me who are slackers and really don't try to do anything in life. But I always have this inner guilt about not doing anything. I don't have a plan for life and I guess that's what bothers me the most.
Most of all I doubt my own intelligence or downplay myself constantly. It Probably stems from childhood when I was ostracized as a kid for being smart. To me intelligence is such a relative term anyway. A car mechanic probably would have trouble programming in C++, but a programmer wouldn't know half the stuff a car mechanic does. I guess my problem is I haven't found anything that really makes me feel interested enough. Almost any career I get into involves people and it just gives me so much anxiety, which makes it hard to see me capable of any position.
But I think my biggest problem is I have trouble accepting the actual truth as opposed to the walls of negative beliefs I've built over the years. I've got a filtered view of reality and myself, that most other people don't even see.
More negativity for this journal, oh well. At least it serves as a place for me to vent and get these things off my mind. Hopefully things start looking up during stage 3. I try to be realistic, without getting too negative or too positive. I could lie to myself about these things, but the fake it till you make it strategy never worked in the long run. I find lying to yourself just makes the negative stronger because you don't face the reality of the situation. For better or for worse it is here and I acknowledge it without wallowing in it.
Most of all I doubt my own intelligence or downplay myself constantly. It Probably stems from childhood when I was ostracized as a kid for being smart. To me intelligence is such a relative term anyway. A car mechanic probably would have trouble programming in C++, but a programmer wouldn't know half the stuff a car mechanic does. I guess my problem is I haven't found anything that really makes me feel interested enough. Almost any career I get into involves people and it just gives me so much anxiety, which makes it hard to see me capable of any position.
But I think my biggest problem is I have trouble accepting the actual truth as opposed to the walls of negative beliefs I've built over the years. I've got a filtered view of reality and myself, that most other people don't even see.
More negativity for this journal, oh well. At least it serves as a place for me to vent and get these things off my mind. Hopefully things start looking up during stage 3. I try to be realistic, without getting too negative or too positive. I could lie to myself about these things, but the fake it till you make it strategy never worked in the long run. I find lying to yourself just makes the negative stronger because you don't face the reality of the situation. For better or for worse it is here and I acknowledge it without wallowing in it.
