11-05-2011, 01:40 PM
So I'm reading up on cognitive behavioral therapy and I just got this huge light bulb moment. I want to be free of anxiety and fear, but I wanted the subliminals to do it all, so I never really put in any conscious effort. I don't know why, but I think I did that because I was afraid if I removed my anxiety that the sub wouldn't do anything. It was a huge irrational belief because if I could get rid of anxiety without the sub that's not a bad thing. I was holding onto the anxiety as a way to prove that the sub was doing something, which isn't the best way to go. When I mean conscious effort I mean actively trying to challenge negative thoughts.
CBT has a term called ANTs(automatic negative thoughts). I never really paid much attention to what I was thinking but now I've begun to monitor my thoughts more. My biggest problem is I'm accepting these thoughts as the truth when they are all lies. I'm seeing now that the way I see myself is a harsh judgement that isn't based in rational thinking at all.
I think when it came to my negative thoughts I did one of two things. Either I accepted them as the truth, without question and admitted defeat. I let them swarm me instead of challenging them and seeing objectively. The second thing I did was ignoring the thoughts and suppressing them. While I would feel good for a while they still were buzzing underneath the surface and manifested themselves as physical pain in my chest. This would continue until one day I broke down and the emotions and thoughts came flooding in.
Now this isn't the complete answer to my problems because those negative thoughts are coming from somewhere. Most of my depression stems from my frustration from my social anxiety, which causes me to have more negative thinking about myself in general. Now I need to understand where the social anxiety comes from. To me I believe those negative thoughts are highly irrational. But I'm sure to my subconscious mind it has a very good reason for believing them. An example of a very irrational yet blunt negative thought is "People will think I'm stupid". That's my initial thought when I walk in a crowd or something. It's so ridiculous I just have no idea how to address something like that.
So the lesson I learned today is to carefully monitor my internal dialogue and not to immediately take it as the truth. So much of my misery for days on end was merely the result of constant negative thinking that I suppressed and convinced myself that it wasn't my doing. I'm taking more responsibility now for controlling my negative thinking. Although I would like to get to the point where I don't have to do this. But I'm not sure if that is possible or not. We can always come up with negativity so we always have to be mindful of it. I've just made a terribly bad habit out of it and now I have to break the pattern.
CBT has a term called ANTs(automatic negative thoughts). I never really paid much attention to what I was thinking but now I've begun to monitor my thoughts more. My biggest problem is I'm accepting these thoughts as the truth when they are all lies. I'm seeing now that the way I see myself is a harsh judgement that isn't based in rational thinking at all.
I think when it came to my negative thoughts I did one of two things. Either I accepted them as the truth, without question and admitted defeat. I let them swarm me instead of challenging them and seeing objectively. The second thing I did was ignoring the thoughts and suppressing them. While I would feel good for a while they still were buzzing underneath the surface and manifested themselves as physical pain in my chest. This would continue until one day I broke down and the emotions and thoughts came flooding in.
Now this isn't the complete answer to my problems because those negative thoughts are coming from somewhere. Most of my depression stems from my frustration from my social anxiety, which causes me to have more negative thinking about myself in general. Now I need to understand where the social anxiety comes from. To me I believe those negative thoughts are highly irrational. But I'm sure to my subconscious mind it has a very good reason for believing them. An example of a very irrational yet blunt negative thought is "People will think I'm stupid". That's my initial thought when I walk in a crowd or something. It's so ridiculous I just have no idea how to address something like that.
So the lesson I learned today is to carefully monitor my internal dialogue and not to immediately take it as the truth. So much of my misery for days on end was merely the result of constant negative thinking that I suppressed and convinced myself that it wasn't my doing. I'm taking more responsibility now for controlling my negative thinking. Although I would like to get to the point where I don't have to do this. But I'm not sure if that is possible or not. We can always come up with negativity so we always have to be mindful of it. I've just made a terribly bad habit out of it and now I have to break the pattern.
