12-29-2012, 11:10 AM
(This post was last modified: 12-29-2012, 11:13 AM by alphatrial4.)
"I held on to the belief I formed early in the relationship that we had a huge connection, and that it would all be OK eventually."
Ouch.... That hit so close to home. That is the premise I"ve been operating under for 3 years.
I find it so hard to see the situation objectively. She definitely is very kind to me, so I think that makes it even harder to see the relationship as being "messed up." If she was mean, it would be very simple, I would've abandoned ship a long time ago. But just because someone is nice, and in love with you, doesn't mean it's correct I guess, even if a lot of those good feelings remain. I guess if there is any doubt, it usually means something isn't right.... That's a hard fact to swallow.
And yes, that's more the vision I have had for meeting women, and I've even seen it manifest in my life to some extent. The heavy emotions around my ex kind of cloud that vision I guess, and I become afraid of hurting her, or whatever other 100 fears there are. I actually would like to experience casual no-strings sex, just to see what that is like. There are a few potentials, but I recoil out of fear of the unknown I guess. And I have been enjoying just befriending women, it feels healthy to be surrounded by women without expectations. It is only once I started talking to my ex actually, I do/did a complete 360 into a state of guilt and fear.
I had a good meditation after my first post, where a lot of the emotion/blockages cleared out. This all brought up some of the most deep, primal emotions I have I think. I also really like Byron Katie's the work, when the mind is chattering about it too much to meditate.
Edit: I just realized, the reason my ex clouds my vision of how I want to relate to women, is because she is holding on to this monogamous image, and since I value her, I go with her values instead of my own core values.. out of fear of hurting her. Since it would hurt her to see me with various women, I recoil from that scenario because I don't want to hurt her. Fear of hurting her is at operation big time.. which is funny because with most people I really just speak my mind. Only the closest few present a real problem..
whew!
Ouch.... That hit so close to home. That is the premise I"ve been operating under for 3 years.
I find it so hard to see the situation objectively. She definitely is very kind to me, so I think that makes it even harder to see the relationship as being "messed up." If she was mean, it would be very simple, I would've abandoned ship a long time ago. But just because someone is nice, and in love with you, doesn't mean it's correct I guess, even if a lot of those good feelings remain. I guess if there is any doubt, it usually means something isn't right.... That's a hard fact to swallow.
And yes, that's more the vision I have had for meeting women, and I've even seen it manifest in my life to some extent. The heavy emotions around my ex kind of cloud that vision I guess, and I become afraid of hurting her, or whatever other 100 fears there are. I actually would like to experience casual no-strings sex, just to see what that is like. There are a few potentials, but I recoil out of fear of the unknown I guess. And I have been enjoying just befriending women, it feels healthy to be surrounded by women without expectations. It is only once I started talking to my ex actually, I do/did a complete 360 into a state of guilt and fear.
I had a good meditation after my first post, where a lot of the emotion/blockages cleared out. This all brought up some of the most deep, primal emotions I have I think. I also really like Byron Katie's the work, when the mind is chattering about it too much to meditate.
Edit: I just realized, the reason my ex clouds my vision of how I want to relate to women, is because she is holding on to this monogamous image, and since I value her, I go with her values instead of my own core values.. out of fear of hurting her. Since it would hurt her to see me with various women, I recoil from that scenario because I don't want to hurt her. Fear of hurting her is at operation big time.. which is funny because with most people I really just speak my mind. Only the closest few present a real problem..
whew!
