Alpha 5.0

[mat422]

Just have to say if there's one thing I absolutely want to get rid of, it's my perfectionism. I've gone through phases. Originally I thought it gave me an edge. I'd look at things deeper, take time to understand, craft my work in the finest way possible. But then I saw it as a double edged sword. Now I feel as if perfectionism has absolutely no place in my life. I read an article today that perfectly described how perfectionism differs from high achievers. Perfectionists are pushed, we are pushed by the fear of failure to do something. There is passion there, but for the most part we live in fear of not measuring up. High achievers are pulled. They take that passion and let it energize them. Along the way they are happy with whatever progress they make. Now a result of this is perfectionist will procrastinate and high achievers will keep working towards their goal because it's fueled by enjoyment, not fear.

Right now whenever I make music I put my focus on enjoying it. Even if I make the most awful music, if I enjoyed it then it was a learning experience and gave me that creative outlet I need. This is really hard because something screams in me that I need to suffer or be overly critical about my music otherwise I won't grow or get better. But it's such a lie. I see that now. I'd make more progress if I fostered my creativity along the way instead of just stomping it out after every little mistake. I'll admit that there is a little bit of fear also. Mostly fear that I might become complacent and fall under the delusion that my work is great and then stop seeking improvements. But one thing is for certain, I can't live my life like this anymore. Perfectionism has got to go.

Wow man, I made pretty much the same discovery today as well.
Perfectionism is a demon of fear the devil.

Yeah, I think now that I can really feel how perfectionism holds me back and how utterly pointless it is, I can move past it. It wasn't enough for me to logically understand why it was bad, I had deep emotional ties to keeping it around.

Which brings up my next thought. The whole INFP type. I tend to go with my gut or what feels "right". Unfortunately feelings aren't accurate all the time. But because this is my primary way of interpreting the world, it becomes incredibly difficult to let go of feelings. Especially because one of my "rules" is to trust in your feelings. To tell myself that a certain feeling isn't right, but others are, it just tears a hole in that whole philosophy.

I honestly believe that this is why change is difficult for me at times. I naturally process the world through my emotional/feelings side rather than the logical/thinking. Not to say I can't be logical or think, but because the feelings hold priority it's hard to let go without feeling like I'm violating some internal system.

All that being said, I think I just tore down a belief structure and now I'm building back up a new concept. But this is what my mind constantly does, takes in the environment and processes it through this internal filter I've built and connects different ideas together. My mind is very chaotic.