So not much is going on. Or maybe there is and I honestly can't see it. I find that with everything going on in my head it's hard to sort things out at times.
Lately I've been working on fixing my posture. I've always had bad posture and I'm not sure if that's due to my mental state over the years or me messing up things carrying around a really heavy backpack as a kid. Probably both. Anyway, I've made some progress and just seeing better posture helps me feel better.
And I've noticed where tension is held a lot and I've been focusing on releasing that. What I've noticed is I'll usually get tense when I'm trying to fight off depression. Now I've had my fair share of bad episodes and the last thing I want to do is allow that feeling, but honestly sometimes there is nothing I can do and I just have to ride it out. Fighting it just results in a worse feeling. So sometimes I have this dilemma in my head where I tell myself I shouldn't be having these feelings and I need to stop. I've stopped doing that now, I'm trying to feel less guilty about all this.
I think I'm slowly moving towards accepting these things as less of a fault on my part and more like something that happens to me and as long as I try to get better it's ok. I just need to focus on doing the best I can do, eventually I'll be able to do more, but for now beating myself up for not being that way does nothing.
Just getting rid of that notion that any negative feelings are "wrong" has helped me not repress those feelings as much. There's definitely a difference between having control of your emotions and thinking you have control. When I think I have control it's actually my logical side trying to override the more emotional side, which obviously doesn't work.
And a quick thought that popped into my head. Repressed anger. I've always felt I was never an angry person, someone had to piss me off a lot to get me to lose it. But maybe, just maybe all this depression is a result of endless frustration and anger. I don't know really. Too many variables. All I know is that accepting all emotions and not stuffing them away or trying to hide them has helped me feel better. Maybe it was my incredibly literal mind and perfectionist tendencies that caused me to take everything to the extreme with regards to having control of my emotions. I'm only human, sometimes I feel like I expect myself to be something other than that.
Another thing. I guess once I started being more honest with myself I could see where this stuff is coming from. I always felt that I hung onto my depression or that it was not possible to fix. Well I was dead wrong. It's not that my depression is resistant or that I want to be depressed. It's a fear of failure. I've tried so many times in the past to get better and I think the only thing worse than being depressed is trying to get better and feeling like you are failing at it. So with any self help method really, subliminals, hypnosis, EFT, etc. they never really worked as well as they should because I was afraid of failing. And if I didn't get better then I was a failure. It all comes back to me feeling like I have no reason to be depressed and being ashamed of struggling with it. It's a reflection of how I've been treated in my life. I make two steps forward and people start assuming that the depression wasn't a big deal, I fall back and suddenly I look like I'm not trying anymore. If I'm honest I'm scared, sad, angry all rolled into one and I just want it to be over, but it's like I still don't know how. Maybe this is why I prefer subliminals so much, I really can't engage in any conscious methods of self help, I just have way too much resistance. I think letting all this stuff out, no matter how negative sounding or seemingly pathetic will help me move past it.
Lately I've been working on fixing my posture. I've always had bad posture and I'm not sure if that's due to my mental state over the years or me messing up things carrying around a really heavy backpack as a kid. Probably both. Anyway, I've made some progress and just seeing better posture helps me feel better.
And I've noticed where tension is held a lot and I've been focusing on releasing that. What I've noticed is I'll usually get tense when I'm trying to fight off depression. Now I've had my fair share of bad episodes and the last thing I want to do is allow that feeling, but honestly sometimes there is nothing I can do and I just have to ride it out. Fighting it just results in a worse feeling. So sometimes I have this dilemma in my head where I tell myself I shouldn't be having these feelings and I need to stop. I've stopped doing that now, I'm trying to feel less guilty about all this.
I think I'm slowly moving towards accepting these things as less of a fault on my part and more like something that happens to me and as long as I try to get better it's ok. I just need to focus on doing the best I can do, eventually I'll be able to do more, but for now beating myself up for not being that way does nothing.
Just getting rid of that notion that any negative feelings are "wrong" has helped me not repress those feelings as much. There's definitely a difference between having control of your emotions and thinking you have control. When I think I have control it's actually my logical side trying to override the more emotional side, which obviously doesn't work.
And a quick thought that popped into my head. Repressed anger. I've always felt I was never an angry person, someone had to piss me off a lot to get me to lose it. But maybe, just maybe all this depression is a result of endless frustration and anger. I don't know really. Too many variables. All I know is that accepting all emotions and not stuffing them away or trying to hide them has helped me feel better. Maybe it was my incredibly literal mind and perfectionist tendencies that caused me to take everything to the extreme with regards to having control of my emotions. I'm only human, sometimes I feel like I expect myself to be something other than that.
Another thing. I guess once I started being more honest with myself I could see where this stuff is coming from. I always felt that I hung onto my depression or that it was not possible to fix. Well I was dead wrong. It's not that my depression is resistant or that I want to be depressed. It's a fear of failure. I've tried so many times in the past to get better and I think the only thing worse than being depressed is trying to get better and feeling like you are failing at it. So with any self help method really, subliminals, hypnosis, EFT, etc. they never really worked as well as they should because I was afraid of failing. And if I didn't get better then I was a failure. It all comes back to me feeling like I have no reason to be depressed and being ashamed of struggling with it. It's a reflection of how I've been treated in my life. I make two steps forward and people start assuming that the depression wasn't a big deal, I fall back and suddenly I look like I'm not trying anymore. If I'm honest I'm scared, sad, angry all rolled into one and I just want it to be over, but it's like I still don't know how. Maybe this is why I prefer subliminals so much, I really can't engage in any conscious methods of self help, I just have way too much resistance. I think letting all this stuff out, no matter how negative sounding or seemingly pathetic will help me move past it.
