Alpha 5.0

[mat422]

Yes and no. lol. It depends who is around when the sex topic comes up in conversation (I have a religious background, so anyone from my family is usually a source of me being nervous if the sex topic comes up from outside influences).

Then again, no experience, so I don't know. I'm inclined to think so though, which is another reason why I wanted to run SM. It supposedly deals with that.

Which pretty much means it's still sitting there in your subconscious. Your family just triggers it, but I'm willing to bet the same thing happens when you think about trying to get with a girl. It's always bothered me when parents end up treating sex like this huge taboo thing, it's just part of being human. To put restraints on basic human behavior, it leads to all sorts of messed up behavior.

Yeah. But there's gotta be a way to help the horse WANT to drink, right? God I hope so.

Definitely. Just sometimes that horse stands there for a while waiting until it's ready. Sometimes you just aren't ready and when it comes it comes.

Well I've done it before (like approaching girls and asking for numbers, having meaningful and good conversations first etc), but I think my problem is maintaining that confidence. I really don't know why I don't keep on trying it to be honest, it's like I'm waiting for something, but I even think that's a bad idea, so who knows.

Sounds like procrastination, which in my experience is just fear in another form. Throw out the idea of waiting for a perfect moment or when things seem right. You'll end up waiting most of your life. I'm still trying to undo that behavior myself. I procrastinate terribly.

Yeah see I have a different way of thinking when it comes to that. I just trust that my subconscious will make it work. I know I don't believe it now, but it's irrelevant. It's like handing your mind the tools to use when it needs them. Which is also why I like to read theories. Not to implement them, but to have that knowledge somewhere in my mind available to my subconscious if it needs it.

It all boils down to whatever works for you. Different things affect people differently.

Yeah I used it for 92 days before AM. It was my first program and it really seemed to help. I'm seeing that your issues are coming from resistance mostly, and that's ok. I'd just focus on how to break that down. Use more "foundation" programs like OGSF and AM until you're solid, then move forward.

Glad you got another job too, where you working now btw?

Yeah I've been chipping away at it for a while. This is my first time running alpha 5.0. But I've ran 2011 twice. Each time I grew a little more, but it's tough. I'd say part of it is resistance, but I see it more like a tangled web of issues. That's part of my problem, I have trouble consciously solving anything because I feel like there are parts of me buried that I don't even know about.

I'm interning at a data center. I'm basically working on servers and stuff. The data center team basically insures that everything runs smoothly.

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In other news I feel like I've made some progress. Small stuff, but every little bit counts. I struggled with body dysmorphia for a while. I'd avoid mirrors a lot, hated pictures even more. It's like whenever I saw myself, my mind immediately zeroed in on my flaws and all I saw were flaws. I didn't see myself, all I saw was just one ugly person. Lately I've noticed I don't do that anymore. I'm just me, a unique individual and this is my body. It's different and it may not be perfect, but I'm ok with it. I've had girls tell me I'm attractive in the past, but I never really believed it. Just goes to show you that external validation doesn't mean jack if your internal beliefs are all screwed up. So yeah, that was a nice effect of stage 3.

For now that's the only thing I could report on. But it's been a huge weight off my shoulders. I guess I didn't realize my self image was that bad until I finally started feeling good about it.