01-25-2012, 01:01 AM
(This post was last modified: 01-25-2012, 01:11 AM by RainbowAbyss.)
then what I am feeling makes perfect sense, its like an indecision between facing any resistance in woman and keep going after it and just wanting to sit back and not give a xxxx. I have not gotten very consistently good at pursuing though, in the non-Brent Smith/ masculine role way, but when I really like a woman or a woman I like engages me I really go after it and have escalated in much smooth/effortless ways then I have then before the set.
Tonight I finally got out to a party, a pajama party. First funny thing to note is that I am sitting on a lounge having a talk with this blonde who was much older but clearly a stunner in her day and she is the aunt of the young lady who is the hostess, I feel something against me and I turn and this very hot model porn-star looking lady is sitting on my arm/shoulder. I say hey and she looks at me and smiles and someone introduces her as the hostess's mom, I ask her some questions but she just smiles, she looks extremely hot for me but never answers. Later I found out she is a showgirl in Vegas and is obviously a gold digger and visits her daughter once a year. Another strange effect, this woman looked like she was in her twenties and she had her juicy ass on my shoulder yet wouldn't speak, some woman are crazy but I definitely don't want to know them anyone-maybe SM was keeping her from speaking to me because she's not healthy lol. I don't even need rubber's anymore I've got perma-protection-JK I always play it safe.
I had a blast and didn't really give a xxx about anything except was really attracted to this one girl I felt like she was hooking me more and more and almost had this power over me-not good -but she really liked me as well, and she looks exactly like scarlet Johanson, of all people-my new kryptonite , we were playing guitar and singing together and when I found out she lives near me I made plans to practice guitar with her. My brother thought I should have been more direct when asking her out and that I was being sneaky but I thought it was pretty 'smart move'. She seemed really excited but as the night wore on she got really buzzed and kind of sleepy seeming which made it really hard to relate to her, she also seemed, or I thought, to realize how much I liked her and that effected things in ways I couldn't see clearly. Although when I went into this side room to get her, we were all riding the train back together, she got topless and into this really sexy see through tank top thing, I had this awesome eye contact while I was totally taking her body in and was just like 'niiice' really slowly, kind of corny but she made me feel a little off center. I regret not kissing her then but she finished getting ready and we were all rushing to catch a train. later I found out one of my best friends, who is a bit of a womanizer and used to be big into Brent Smith (not the supernatural friend thank god), gave her his card and I was feeling really territorial. Its been an issue in the past that I like a girl and become somewhat emotionally invested and then someone I knows ends up with them. Its like I can't ever really like someone and have it work, probably cause I play it safer but I was tired and just felt not so great. Anyway I'm sure we will end up hooking up but I can't help but feel like I'm in a race with my friend, who she seemed to like as well, and who all she has to do is look at his card, which is really funny and cool, and get in touch where I have to text, but we did make plans. Anyway I need to focus on what I want and not on avoiding a past dynamic, it honestly just really always feels like a sucker punch to my masculinity and the negative pull is strong. I also hate feeling invested like this, its pathetic. Just writing this I am feeling much letting go, but I realize I still have some negativity/scaricity/one-itiss come out at times and I feel like it has powerful driving secondary benefit. I'm going to let go and take action towards being with her and deal with whatever else happens when it happens-my new theme Bhagavad Ghita style is be responsible for my labor and not the fruit it bears.
Its strange because on alpha I was completely validation seeking free now I find myself wanting security and possession with woman, territorial instincts going crazy-I don't even like this girl's personality that much, if anything she is kind of too into herself, I just love her energy and sexuality and want to xxxx her and have her not with my friend lol
Tonight I finally got out to a party, a pajama party. First funny thing to note is that I am sitting on a lounge having a talk with this blonde who was much older but clearly a stunner in her day and she is the aunt of the young lady who is the hostess, I feel something against me and I turn and this very hot model porn-star looking lady is sitting on my arm/shoulder. I say hey and she looks at me and smiles and someone introduces her as the hostess's mom, I ask her some questions but she just smiles, she looks extremely hot for me but never answers. Later I found out she is a showgirl in Vegas and is obviously a gold digger and visits her daughter once a year. Another strange effect, this woman looked like she was in her twenties and she had her juicy ass on my shoulder yet wouldn't speak, some woman are crazy but I definitely don't want to know them anyone-maybe SM was keeping her from speaking to me because she's not healthy lol. I don't even need rubber's anymore I've got perma-protection-JK I always play it safe.
I had a blast and didn't really give a xxx about anything except was really attracted to this one girl I felt like she was hooking me more and more and almost had this power over me-not good -but she really liked me as well, and she looks exactly like scarlet Johanson, of all people-my new kryptonite , we were playing guitar and singing together and when I found out she lives near me I made plans to practice guitar with her. My brother thought I should have been more direct when asking her out and that I was being sneaky but I thought it was pretty 'smart move'. She seemed really excited but as the night wore on she got really buzzed and kind of sleepy seeming which made it really hard to relate to her, she also seemed, or I thought, to realize how much I liked her and that effected things in ways I couldn't see clearly. Although when I went into this side room to get her, we were all riding the train back together, she got topless and into this really sexy see through tank top thing, I had this awesome eye contact while I was totally taking her body in and was just like 'niiice' really slowly, kind of corny but she made me feel a little off center. I regret not kissing her then but she finished getting ready and we were all rushing to catch a train. later I found out one of my best friends, who is a bit of a womanizer and used to be big into Brent Smith (not the supernatural friend thank god), gave her his card and I was feeling really territorial. Its been an issue in the past that I like a girl and become somewhat emotionally invested and then someone I knows ends up with them. Its like I can't ever really like someone and have it work, probably cause I play it safer but I was tired and just felt not so great. Anyway I'm sure we will end up hooking up but I can't help but feel like I'm in a race with my friend, who she seemed to like as well, and who all she has to do is look at his card, which is really funny and cool, and get in touch where I have to text, but we did make plans. Anyway I need to focus on what I want and not on avoiding a past dynamic, it honestly just really always feels like a sucker punch to my masculinity and the negative pull is strong. I also hate feeling invested like this, its pathetic. Just writing this I am feeling much letting go, but I realize I still have some negativity/scaricity/one-itiss come out at times and I feel like it has powerful driving secondary benefit. I'm going to let go and take action towards being with her and deal with whatever else happens when it happens-my new theme Bhagavad Ghita style is be responsible for my labor and not the fruit it bears.
Its strange because on alpha I was completely validation seeking free now I find myself wanting security and possession with woman, territorial instincts going crazy-I don't even like this girl's personality that much, if anything she is kind of too into herself, I just love her energy and sexuality and want to xxxx her and have her not with my friend lol
1. There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness.
2. A thinker sees his own actions as experiments and questions... Success and failure are for him answers above all.
3. I would not know what the spirit of a philosopher might wish more then to be than a good dancer.-F.N.
2. A thinker sees his own actions as experiments and questions... Success and failure are for him answers above all.
3. I would not know what the spirit of a philosopher might wish more then to be than a good dancer.-F.N.
