stage 2 day 22
wow i had a dream last night that as I was urinating, a piece of flesh would come out and make the whole toilet bowl red with blood. It was gross, and I could feel the pain in my dream as if it was real. It was horrible. It's funny because one of my good female friends has been having bladder pains and has been urinating blood for the last week, and just yesterday I told her that I'm praying for her and that I love her..
I was thinking about what I posted yesterday about my thoughts on the transcendent alpha, and I had a little bit of back and forth with myself in my head wondering if my interpretation was far from the truth. I was thinking about how an entrepreneur would think. Ideally, the entrepreneur wants to be in control of situations, and doesn't' allow life to pass him by. He would identify the target, and start making moves to align himself with that target, and then takes action to hit the target.
Am I furthering myself from becoming an alpha male by giving my entire life to my creator and not expecting anything in particular? What if all my work in AA is contradictory to what AM6 is programming me with? Some core beliefs are being challenged. I refused to give up my AA program, as it's a life or death situation for me. I can't afford another relapse, there is no telling if I will come back alive. At the same time, I refuse to give up AM6 programming, especially making it this far already. There are certain aspects of my life that are certainly getting better either directly or indirectly due to the sub.
Well today was extremely hectic at work because there was only 3 out of 6 of us at the office today, and most of the day it was only 2 of us. To top it off. The phone at the front desk was not working, so I had to do my tasks plus front desk tasks. It didn't help that I was still feinding for nicotine, too. Oh yeah, 4 days strong no nicotine.
Then I left work early to get to my mom's place of business so I could meet her and the accountant for a business meeting. At the end of the meeting my dad calls my mom asking for a ride, and my mom was unable to do it so i stepped up and said I can pick him up (30 min drive) on the condition that he goes with me to a meeting. So I leave the shop and I try calling him incessantly and he didn't answer at all. I needed him to look up a meeting for me while I drove to save some time. He ended up not even coming out of his office til 8:30, at which point I was going to be pointlessly late if I showed up to the AA meeting, which starts at 8 and ends at 9. I was irritated most of the drive there and resentful that he would do something like that.
Then I remembered what my sponsor tells me:
I tried to find my part in it: It inconvenienced the FUCK out of me. I was being self centered and not flexible. I still feel that I wasn't entirely in the wrong, but there are certain things that are outside of my control and I can't afford to get pissed off at stupid shit like that. I offered to give him a ride in the first place, and I know my dad well enough to expect shit like that to happen. So I set myself up LOL. But he's my dad, and I have to be there when he needs me. Not to mention, this is the city of houston. There are meetings all day every day.
God, I really shouldn't be allowed to go into my own head without adult supervision. It's a battleground in there.
wow i had a dream last night that as I was urinating, a piece of flesh would come out and make the whole toilet bowl red with blood. It was gross, and I could feel the pain in my dream as if it was real. It was horrible. It's funny because one of my good female friends has been having bladder pains and has been urinating blood for the last week, and just yesterday I told her that I'm praying for her and that I love her..
I was thinking about what I posted yesterday about my thoughts on the transcendent alpha, and I had a little bit of back and forth with myself in my head wondering if my interpretation was far from the truth. I was thinking about how an entrepreneur would think. Ideally, the entrepreneur wants to be in control of situations, and doesn't' allow life to pass him by. He would identify the target, and start making moves to align himself with that target, and then takes action to hit the target.
Am I furthering myself from becoming an alpha male by giving my entire life to my creator and not expecting anything in particular? What if all my work in AA is contradictory to what AM6 is programming me with? Some core beliefs are being challenged. I refused to give up my AA program, as it's a life or death situation for me. I can't afford another relapse, there is no telling if I will come back alive. At the same time, I refuse to give up AM6 programming, especially making it this far already. There are certain aspects of my life that are certainly getting better either directly or indirectly due to the sub.
Well today was extremely hectic at work because there was only 3 out of 6 of us at the office today, and most of the day it was only 2 of us. To top it off. The phone at the front desk was not working, so I had to do my tasks plus front desk tasks. It didn't help that I was still feinding for nicotine, too. Oh yeah, 4 days strong no nicotine.
Then I left work early to get to my mom's place of business so I could meet her and the accountant for a business meeting. At the end of the meeting my dad calls my mom asking for a ride, and my mom was unable to do it so i stepped up and said I can pick him up (30 min drive) on the condition that he goes with me to a meeting. So I leave the shop and I try calling him incessantly and he didn't answer at all. I needed him to look up a meeting for me while I drove to save some time. He ended up not even coming out of his office til 8:30, at which point I was going to be pointlessly late if I showed up to the AA meeting, which starts at 8 and ends at 9. I was irritated most of the drive there and resentful that he would do something like that.
Then I remembered what my sponsor tells me:
Quote:If you ever feel resentful at anything, you might as well sign your name to it because you've got it.
I tried to find my part in it: It inconvenienced the FUCK out of me. I was being self centered and not flexible. I still feel that I wasn't entirely in the wrong, but there are certain things that are outside of my control and I can't afford to get pissed off at stupid shit like that. I offered to give him a ride in the first place, and I know my dad well enough to expect shit like that to happen. So I set myself up LOL. But he's my dad, and I have to be there when he needs me. Not to mention, this is the city of houston. There are meetings all day every day.
God, I really shouldn't be allowed to go into my own head without adult supervision. It's a battleground in there.
